Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2016 15:13:11 GMT -7
Hi. I am new here, and I am so thankful that I found this place. My husband confessed that he had been looking at pornography about a week and a half ago, and I had no one with whom I felt I could share.
A little back story....
We have been married 15.5 years, and I knew from very early that he struggled with this sin. But that's all I knew. I didn't know what that meant exactly. He tells me that we had a huge blow out within the first two years of our marriage over it, but I do NOT remember. I vaguely remember snipits of what he has told me, but I suppose I had blocked it out. I don't know.
Fast forward several years. We were very open and told one another even hard stuff, and I truly believe that's why our marriage had been so strong. Two years ago, he accepted a pastorate, and that's when he said the struggle, which had lain dormant for years and years, reared it's head full force. That's also a time when I had just had twins, and we now have a 3 month old. In September, he resigned at church because baby #7 was almost due, and he felt with such a large family and growing, greater demands at work, that it was best. Now I see the full picture. After his resignation, we began going to another church, in which we are just being ministered to. I know that's where the LORD has us, because through the preaching of the word there, my husband has confessed. I did not catch him. He told me.
So, in many ways, I feel like this is a best case scenario, but it it still hurts deeply. He is repentant, truly, I think. He has confessed to our pastor, maintained an accountability partner, and we put Covenant Eyes on all devices. We are willing to go to counseling, also, but with 7 kids, the logistics of that has to work out.
All of these are good things, but I feel so down, so defeated, so heart-broken. I can hardly look him in the eye. I forgive him, at least I say I do. I want to, but I wonder if I have really, with me still having these feelings.
So, what does it mean or look like to really forgive him? I want my friend back. I want my marriage back. Nights are lonely sitting rocking the baby, with no one to really talk to. I feel isolated and lonely.
A little back story....
We have been married 15.5 years, and I knew from very early that he struggled with this sin. But that's all I knew. I didn't know what that meant exactly. He tells me that we had a huge blow out within the first two years of our marriage over it, but I do NOT remember. I vaguely remember snipits of what he has told me, but I suppose I had blocked it out. I don't know.
Fast forward several years. We were very open and told one another even hard stuff, and I truly believe that's why our marriage had been so strong. Two years ago, he accepted a pastorate, and that's when he said the struggle, which had lain dormant for years and years, reared it's head full force. That's also a time when I had just had twins, and we now have a 3 month old. In September, he resigned at church because baby #7 was almost due, and he felt with such a large family and growing, greater demands at work, that it was best. Now I see the full picture. After his resignation, we began going to another church, in which we are just being ministered to. I know that's where the LORD has us, because through the preaching of the word there, my husband has confessed. I did not catch him. He told me.
So, in many ways, I feel like this is a best case scenario, but it it still hurts deeply. He is repentant, truly, I think. He has confessed to our pastor, maintained an accountability partner, and we put Covenant Eyes on all devices. We are willing to go to counseling, also, but with 7 kids, the logistics of that has to work out.
All of these are good things, but I feel so down, so defeated, so heart-broken. I can hardly look him in the eye. I forgive him, at least I say I do. I want to, but I wonder if I have really, with me still having these feelings.
So, what does it mean or look like to really forgive him? I want my friend back. I want my marriage back. Nights are lonely sitting rocking the baby, with no one to really talk to. I feel isolated and lonely.