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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 11:46:16 GMT -7
I was not intending to sound harsh either and apologize if my response seems so. I just don't need any excuse to play the victim or make excuses. Even though I take full responsibilty for my failures, in times of temptation I just don't seem to care about anyone but myself. That is not Christ in me that is my flesh.
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teetop
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Post by teetop on Jul 26, 2016 9:54:05 GMT -7
I couldn't agree more Amy and it is true; there is nothing new under the sun.(That would be Ecclesiastes) But let me remind us of the fall of man: Gen 3:11 And He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" Gen 3:12 The man said, "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate." Gen 3:13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." Adam blamed God and Eve blamed Satan. Eve did not ask Adam if this was true what Satan had just said. Instead, she added to God's word. (Gen 2:16 The LORD God commanded the man, saying, "From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; Gen 2:17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die."NASB) This is the original commandment. Now look at what Eve said.
Gen 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?" Gen 3:2 The woman said to the serpent, "From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; Gen 3:3 but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it,(ADDED) or you will die.'" Gen 3:4 The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die! Gen 3:5 "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." (NASB) Now look at Eve's reaction. Gen 3:6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. (NASB)
In this story of the fall, notice the progression from temptation to full disobedience of God's commandment. See if this is not also the progression James talks about: Jas 1:12 Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. Jas 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. Jas 1:14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Jas 1:15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Jas 1:16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. (NASB)
I WILL REPEAT; do not add to god's word. Pro_30:6 Do not add to His words Or He will reprove you, and you will be proved a liar. (NASB)
As for what God created; it was perfect and good except when He said: Gen 2:18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." NASB.
I will draw your attention to the fact Adam was right there beside Eve when Satan spoke to her and he did not correct her, or Satan. (The fall was Adam's fault not Eve's; Note what it says in; 2Co 11:3 But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ. NASB.
It is painful when our spouses are not living the way we want, but it is not their sin's we need to focus on, but our own. For we are going to stand before God for what we have done (answer for our sins not theirs.) And whether we like it or not; IT WAS OUR CHOICES THAT WE ARE CONFRONTED WITH NOW. That is the sad thing about it, to think I made a choice to marry my spouse, normally based on feelings rather than by God's will or direction. Now that we are confronted by our poor choices, we reap the rewards for it. When we become a Christian and our spouse does not, we have new commandments to follow. We can not change our spouse, but God can. So we need to turn our spouse over to Him. While we are to walk according to His word now. Blessings my friend. Virgil
Tee, it is very few men with this addiction/sin that step up and admit their problem and accept responsibility for what it does to their loved ones. Those that do deserve our respect and my hat goes off to them. One of the main things loved ones run into when dealing with this sin is blame. They get blamed for their spouses acting out. Another thing they deal with is their trust being totally destroyed. Yes God said it wasn't good for man to be alone. The thing is did He make more than one woman for Adam? Did He say oh oops Eve isn't enough and develop porn? EDIT: I realize I sound harsh and I apologize. Also the link Tee shared is excellent. It's the Christian version of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. It helps to realize how the other gender thinks.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2017 21:58:56 GMT -7
I read alot on here about accountability. What about us wives being accountable to ourselves? I spent many years even up until just days ago blaming my husband for my anxiety, my depression and my sadness and my anger and to use food to comfort myself. I failed big time to recognize that I am the one who made the choice to be and anxious and depressed and sad and to use food and to be angry. I blamed him for becoming someone who I am not. I blamed him for his lack of care and respect and honor when the truth is that I ,myself failed to care for myself and to respect myself and to honor myself. When I met my husband I was a single mother of two children. I had been divorced for 8 years. I was happy inside and out. I took responsibility for my own feelings and my own self worth and lived true to myself in a good way. I cared for myself spiritually emotionally and mentally with God. I was active in many things and took great pride in being a part of life and helping others and I was a positive person who had healthy boundaries. I always strived to see things in a positive way and I was truly joyful inside and out.Full of energy and health and goodness After my husband and I married I distinctly recall an almost immediate shift. Whereas before there was air to breathe and a lightness and joy around me the air became thick and there was a constant heaviness. I began to change very slowly over time however sometimes the changes were dramatic and scary ( in a bad way ) for myself as far as my personality. I did not know what was happening to me. I started counseling and worked through a lot of childhood issues that I thought might be the cause of my changes. After my counseling came to an end and I felt very good about my disclosures and peace inside the weight of the air got even thicker and I really changed into a person who I did not know at that time. I was depressed and sad and angry and felt hurt all the time and became very mentally sick and spiritually sick. I began seeking answers form God and asked him to reveal to me the source.Of course it was satan coming at me through my husbands porn addiction. He had been addicted to porn before we married and I had suspected it at times but blew it off. What was happening to me was that my husband was so full of shame and hate and guilt and remorse and lies and passive aggressiveness and narcissism that I was morphing into the same thing and I was not even using porn or telling lies or being any of those things except hats what I was becoming myself. I was forming into a person who I was not ( at my core ). I was baffled. I thought if I could just get him to change I would be ok. NOT. I spent years depressed and barley getting by. I retreated from life and began to gain weight and use food and stay angry a lot. I blamed him for my hurt and pain. Then one day I had enough. I was on the brink of thinking about taking my own life. I told him he had to get help. Then 6 months later after he did not get help I pulled myself up off the floor and did somethings to finally help myself. I got a female counselor of my own. I got a female spiritual advisor I joined this website. I began reading and studying and I prayed and read the bible and read hundreds of recovery sites on feelings and what to do. I finally gave him my bottom line and told him to make a choice ether me or the porn. He choose me. I made a list of 5 criteria and if I was to stay he had to do the list and stick with it and make progress. He did the list and he is just now beginning his recovery journey.During his discoveries about his addiction he found out that he was born predisposed to Intimacy anorexia. because he already had this disposition the first time he saw porn it was a good "fit" for him. He used it ever since and that fed/fueled his intimacy anorexia. Each time he tried to have a good marriage without the porn he would fail because his intimacy anorexia was not ever treated. now he is getting treatment for his intimacy anorexia.There has not been enough time that has past yet to give a true indicator of how he will do with this treatment however it is beginning to look better for us. Well that brings me back to why I ma even writing this reply right now....me. I was still left with anger and hurt and sadness and not feeling well. Sure he was getting better ...or at least had a good shot at getting better but what about me? What was I gonna do? well I realized that I had not one left to blame for my feelings other than myself which that's when it dawned on me ....I had blamed him needlessly all these years for how I felt! All this time I could have been myself and been the joyous person who I am at my core......instead I felt like I should conform to how he was. Maybe I did it to protect him....maybe I did it so he could be superior to me....I think I did it because he would always tell me how I needed to be compassionate towards him.....I am all for empathy....look people we all have shame...we all have critics....we all have scarcity and insecurities. In the past I would always just "be naked with those things within myself...I would always be real.....after a few years with my husband I was hiding behind them I was pretending that I was someone who I am not and I took on my husbands sickness, It weighted me down and basically I was not accountable to myself for myself. I never once said hey my husband is sad and depressed except that's not who I am...I am gonna be the real me.....my husband used the word compassionate a lot with me...why aren't you compassionate...so I would be more compassionate....screw compassion! Ha! I now have healthy boundaries....healthy boundaries allow me to be loving. I cannot be compassionate and be loving at the same time. I am for being loving and having healthy boundaries in a kind way. For some reason my compassion gets me stuck and in bad places. I can be empathetic and I can be caring and kind and loving but compassionate......no .....not for me. It maybe ok for others except I have no control when i am compassionate towards others. I get sick and I end up hurting others and mainly myself so I am fighting for healthy boundaries and love true love towards myself. Some people may be able to be compassionate towards others....this is good. I am not one of those people ...this does not mean that I am rude uncaring or unkind or mean this just means that instead I have healthy boundaries, I am accountable to myself because if I am accountable to my husband I end up in a bad place and I am responsible for being loving and forgiving....forgiving means forgoing my right for revenge I am compassionate towards my husband I would be seeking revenge over and over....thats what he does and I am not going to be compassionate towards that I have my own boundaries and letting go is right for me..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2017 21:31:30 GMT -7
I looked up the word compassionate it means sympathy ..... to feel sorry for. I do not feel sorry for others choices. Once a person is aware and knows what they do hurt others and they continue.... it's on purpose. Because they want to. It's what I learned through my spouse IA sessions and I have been taught how to spot it and call it out and in a healthy way that is kind. Instead of feeling sorry for my spouse and being a doormat and not having control over myself and my life I can have heathy boundries and be loving with kindness. Those who use porn are intimate anorexia ( IA) they are so full of shame and dislike themselves so much that they use every trick in the book to distance themselves even when they stop using porn they tend to relapse because the IA is not treated. My husband has been feeling better about who he is and has been opening up more and is relaxing more with who he is. Because his IA is being treated which helps him loose the urge to use porn. He needs a lot of counseling .... so do I living with an addict of any kind will really cause a lot of hurt and pain and anger. However I am taking accountability for myself now just like my husband. What has to change is everything ! Not just him! Me too! We both have to grow and fight for it!
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