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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2016 4:55:39 GMT -7
Just wanted to check in and see how everyone's prayer life is going? I'm happy to report that I am praying more to the Father about the type of young woman I wish to marry and that I be found spiritually strong enough to lead her throughout our lives together. So please write on here how things are going and if you have seen the movie.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2016 14:50:31 GMT -7
Someone who only speaks German cannot communicate with someone who only speaks Spanish. Each needs to learn the other’s vocabulary. Communication can only happen when there is mutual understanding.
Communication is not the key to marriage.
Mutual understanding is the key to a successful marriage.
Based on Ephesians 5:33, wives speak the language of love and husbands speak the language of respect. When the husband speaks love to his wife and the wife speaks respect to her husband, they understand each other and communication follows.
Why love for her and respect for him?
In Ephesians 5:33, husbands are commanded to love their wives and wives are commanded to respect their husbands. The assumption is that a wife needs love. Since she needs love she is certain to hear words of love and negatively react to unloving tones.
Likewise, a husband needs respect. Since he needs respect he is certain to respond to words of respect and be less than positive when hearing disrespectful expressions.
In my marriage, as I speak Sarah’s mother tongue of love and Sarah speaks my mother tongue of respect, there is mutual understanding and our communication is successful.
Like many, for years we had been like the German and Spaniard, speaking our different languages. In our attempt to communicate, we got louder.
But as we learned each other’s vocabulary, amazing things happened.
We experienced mutual understanding.
In my book, The Language of Love & Respect, I tell of an FBI agent who confided in me that the amount of time he spent on his job was causing his wife to complain and question him even though he actually thought he was balancing things “pretty well.” He would get defensive and lash back at her, saying he was trying his best to do a good job and he didn’t appreciate her questioning.
They would slip onto the Crazy Cycle from time to time because he heard her questioning the manner in which he tried to do his best at work, and he felt disrespected. His wife, however, was simply feeling unloved because she saw him spending inordinate amounts of time away from her.
His letter continues,
“This got us into the Crazy Cycle with a lather! Not until we discussed it in the light of our Love and Respect study did we truly understand the feelings of each other on this issue. While I couldn’t do much to readjust my schedule (as a matter of fact, it soon got even more demanding time-wise), what changed for us was the ability to understand each other’s intentions and needs, and with that understanding came a release from the tension that blocked our communication.”
Mutual understanding is the key...
With mutual understanding came better communication!
The FBI agent and his wife made two crucial choices:
She chose not to interpret his long hours as unloving abandonment, and she learned to trust that he was making it a high priority to arrive home as early as possible considering the unpredictability and high demands of his job.
He chose to accept her occasional words of admonition reminding him to prioritize family and home time because he could see she was consciously speaking words of affirmation and respect for his position and decision-making responsibilities.
He adds, “When the light bulb turned on… we literally laughed with relief at having our impasse defined so clearly.”
Here is what you can do right now to create mutual understanding:
As a husband, when you observe your wife react negatively, ask, “Am I coming across in an unloving way?”
As a wife, when you see your husband shutting down, ask, “Am I coming across in a disrespectful way?”
Though asking this question may be unfair to you, your spouse will feel understood and soften, and seek to be more understanding.
Communication is underway!
This week, speak these words and watch what happens.
-Dr. E
Article originally published on loveandrespect.com, used with permission by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2016 16:09:16 GMT -7
What about when you are praying faithfully day and night? What about when you are serving God through his local church, and seeking Him daily through Scripture and devotion? What about when you are obeying God, and faithfully praying for your husband even though he has abandoned you and your child since October 1st? How long must I pray, and wait, and beg God to change my husband's heart and transform his mind?
Many of you know my story, and that my husband confessed a life of sexual addiction and unfaithfulness that began before we were married nearly five years ago. May 15th of last year, I found out about his unfaithfulness, but along with our pastor talk to my husband and told him I would commit to working through this with him. We seemed to be okay for a while, but my husband never truly committed to the work that had to be done. He was attending church with us, but slowly began to withdraw from me emotionally. He left our home on October 1st of last year, and has since been ambivalent and mostly non communicative about our relationship or whether he wanted our marriage and family to be saved. I have remained faithful to him, faithful to God, and still continue to pray that God would save our marriage and restore our relationship. He remains aloof, and refuses to talk about our future or express to me that he wants our marriage to be saved. He says he is not being unfaithful to me, and that he simply wants to be alone right now. He is attending the church that we joined together, but refuses to attend church with me and my daughter at the church we recently joined. He wants to be engaged in my daughter's life, put treats me with little or no regard. He says he loves me, but neither supports us financially, spiritually, or emotionally.
I am currently doing a discipleship study with other members of my church, to grow my faith and serve God better. The current chapter we are studying is about the roles of husbands in marriage. It breaks my heart to study this chapter because it is glaringly obvious that my husband is not doing anything that a godly husband should do. But I know that it is not God's will that we divorce, and that I stay true and faithful and wait on the Lord to do his work.
The question is, how long do I wait on the Lord? It has been nearly a year since I found out that my marriage was a complete and total lie, and I admit that my heart is tattered to shreds, and that I'm nearing the end of my resolve. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom to me? I am facing the possible end of my marriage, the loss of my father, financial ruin, and the end of my life as I once knew it. God help me, I am being attacked in every aspect of my life by Satan and buy my own weakness. Please pray for me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2016 18:31:30 GMT -7
broken I am sorry you are going through this. How long did Abraham and Sarah wait for Isaac? God does not work on our timing. If you are sure that God is telling you to wait, then wait. You can wait and be faithful to your husband without a marriage certificate. If he isn't helping to support your child, then you need to take steps to see to her care and that may mean getting a divorce to setup child support. I once came across a testimony of a former sex addict. His wife divorced him and 8 years later he got his addiction under control and started a ministry....God brought her back into his life and they remarried. Anything is possible with God.
I am praying for you. That God guides you and strengthens you for the road ahead. Do not give up on God. He is faithful.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2016 23:02:33 GMT -7
Hi broken1969, It's good to see you on the forum again. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. You are in a really difficult spot right now. It's incredibly unfair that your husband is ambivalent to your heartfelt devotion to your marriage. I am so sorry to hear this, and the pain that his choices are causing you and your family.
You asked how long you should wait on the Lord. I wish I had the answer to that question for you, but I don't. It’s a question you must wrestle with before God. I don't have all the answers, but I will comment my opinion on a few things that you shared about your husband. Just to clarify this is my opinion only, and I'm no expert, but It sounds like your husband is really giving you lip service. To love someone is not to merely say the words "I love you". Love is active. It's action. It's doing the hard things like taking care of your family. It's sacrifice. From what you have said it sounds like your husbands actions are screaming much louder than his words.
To be so disengaged with his own family I would be suspicious that he has something going on with someone else. "I just need time alone" coming from a sex addict is not believable. Especially if they have a prior history of acting out with others. Have you thought about hiring a private detective to find out what he's doing while he's basically abandoned you? This is a full-proof way to gain the truth of what he's involved in and who he's involved with. Getting some answers may help you with your timeline of how long and also provide you with 3rd party evidence of his activities. I'm not encouraging you to divorce your husband. I'm just encouraging you to find out the truth, because what he's saying doesn't match up with his actions. Knowing the truth can help you figure out if you want to continue to wait, or if you want to pursue other options available to you to protect and provide for you and your daughter.
It's wonderful that you are involved in a discipleship study and have a church home to support you. I would really encourage you to also find a support group specifically for wives of sex addicts if that's at all possible, as well. The dynamics of dealing with a spouse who is addicted are really crazy and it's so helpful to have a therapist or support group that can help you deal with all the messy, crazy stuff they throw at you.
It's very hard when it seems like God isn't answering our prayers. I know my own faith was shattered when I was doing all I could to follow after God, support my husband in recovery, and trust God - and my husband fell right back into acting out a year into his recovery. All I know is that things don't always go as we want them to, no matter how good our motives or obedience to God. We can pray and beg God, but our husbands have free will - and they have to choose to turn away from their sin and turn towards God. They have to choose. We can't do it for them. We can continue to pray, we can continue to trust God - no matter what the outcome. Keep the faith, dear one. You are in my prayers tonight.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 7:06:41 GMT -7
broken I am sorry you are going through this. How long did Abraham and Sarah wait for Isaac? God does not work on our timing. If you are sure that God is telling you to wait, then wait. You can wait and be faithful to your husband without a marriage certificate. If he isn't helping to support your child, then you need to take steps to see to her care and that may mean getting a divorce to setup child support. I once came across a testimony of a former sex addict. His wife divorced him and 8 years later he got his addiction under control and started a ministry....God brought her back into his life and they remarried. Anything is possible with God. I am praying for you. That God guides you and strengthens you for the road ahead. Do not give up on God. He is faithful. Thank you for your words of support. When I asked how long I should wait, of course I meant it in a rhetorical way. I know that God is able to do all things, and I know his timing is not my timing. But unfortunately I live in a sinful body, and my mind is reeling from the continual hurt of the situation. I feel as though I may lose my mind if I don't find some way to stop that hurt. I have so much responsibility heaped on me, the most important being to love and care for my daughter. It is all so overwhelming, and I just want the hurt to stop. I try to listen only to godly counsel, but even my close friends are telling me that I don't deserve this treatment and I should be willing to move on. Even if I were to do that, it wouldn't change the fact that I love my husband and I don't want to go through the horrible experience of divorce. Praise be to God I have no desire to seek another spouse, and God is sustaining my need for intimacy. But what I miss most about my relationship with my husband is the companionship and affection that we shared. He was loving, kind, attentive, and adoring to me up until May 15th of last year. I had absolutely no reason to believe that he was being unfaithful to me. So in one fell swoop, the very foundation of my life was destroyed, and after a few months, I was completely deprived of my husband's love and attention. I pray daily for God to fill those empty spaces in my heart in my husband's absence, but when I lay down at night, and wake up in the morning in that empty bed, it crushes my soul. It is hard to keep my emotions in check at times, and I worry what it is doing to my daughter when she sees me that way. She only knows that her daddy is gone because he is sad and needs alone time. She doesn't understand the concept of infidelity because she is too young. I am so concerned about how this is affecting her ability to make good choices about men in the future. I pray over her daily, but what kind of example am i with the choices I've made? So much hurt, so much fear, so much worry.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 8:43:12 GMT -7
Broken, I do tend to take things literally. One of my flaws...lol
I understand what you mean about missing your husband. I felt the same way when my ex and I broke up. He was a PA and I confronted him on watching underage porn and told him his daughter could no longer spend weekends with us until he got his addiction under control. He became violent. We divorced because of that. But I still missed the old Craig before all this happened.
Have you looked into counseling for yourself and your daughter? I can't speak highly enough about getting therapy for you both. It has tremendously helped me and my ex stepkids are in therapy now and the change in them is very noticable. They have a counselor that specializes in children and young adults. He does play therapy with my stepdaughter and talking therapy with my stepson.
You can not unmake the choices you have made. Teach your daughter about Christ and having a personal relationship with Him. The best way to do that is to let her see you walk out your own relationship with Christ. Pray with her and love her. But most importantly put her in God's capable hands. He loves her more then you could ever love her. He will take care of her.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 14:59:43 GMT -7
I had been going to counseling, but work won't allow me to take off and go any longer. We live in a rural area, so resources are hard to find, and a support group specific to spouses of sexual addicts is a no go as well. There would probably be a better chance to find someone for my daighter, but it must be a Christian counselor, no exceptions. I think it might help her to speak with a 3rd party, to open up more. I encourage her to express her feelings, we talk about them and I try to help her understand what they mean.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for the prayers and support. I truly need this forum now more than ever.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 12:48:56 GMT -7
Broken, the owner of this forum runs blazinggrace.org. part of his ministry is phone outreach for the wives of PA. I am not sure who is in charge of it but I do know it's headed by a female. You may want to check into it. The info for that outreach is on blazinggrace.org.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 17:41:13 GMT -7
Finding SA specific help nearby can be tough. There is an online resource you might check out called journeytohealingandjoy.com. I know they have phone support groups (for a fee, but I think it's reasonable) led by a therapist. I did not go this route myself (though I talked to the main therapist by phone after I found out everything), because I found a support group to attend within a doable drive; however, I have a friend from my church who participated in one of the phone groups, not long ago. She said it was really good and really helped her. Looks like they have an online community for wives, as well now. Just an idea.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 21:20:31 GMT -7
Finding SA specific help nearby can be tough. There is an online resource you might check out called journeytohealingandjoy.com. I know they have phone support groups (for a fee, but I think it's reasonable) led by a therapist. I did not go this route myself (though I talked to the main therapist by phone after I found out everything), because I found a support group to attend within a doable drive; however, I have a friend from my church who participated in one of the phone groups, not long ago. She said it was really good and really helped her. Looks like they have an online community for wives, as well now. Just an idea. That would be an excellent resource to post about in the resource section. When you have time or if you don't I can post it there.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 22:23:03 GMT -7
I don't think I've yet looked at that section. I was wondering if there was something like that already on the forum. I'll post some of this info there. Thx for the direction!
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teetop
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Post by teetop on Jul 24, 2016 19:00:42 GMT -7
OK, I've read a ton of comments from wives here and I keep scratching my head. It's like the men are ogres and the women are in pain and saintly. Or another way to put it is; the men have no feelings and the women have them all. Either way, it is not good. Ring a bell? It should: Genesis 2:18Gen 2:18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." While thinking about the topic; men and women, I ran across a talk given by David Pawson - Male & Female - What's the difference? So here is the link: Male & Female - What's the difference? .
Though some of it I knew, much I didn't, though even a cursory check with scripture tells me, he is right on.
I do hope this draws us to a closer study of God's word and understanding of our roles as husband and wife.
I know I've sure fallen short, not only from my up-bringing, but from my own selfish life-style. I pray and hope you get as much out of it as I did. Time to deal with my walk. Blessings. Virgil
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 3:07:03 GMT -7
I'm sure these wives would be more than happy if their husbands had the courage to come on this forum and tell their side of the story but sadly they don't and won't. I believe their stories of pain because I am well aware of my own tendencies to cheat, lie and blame others especially my wife. My heart goes out to these ladies and as I see the damage this insanity can cause I cry out to God for the grace to overcome. I scratch my head too wondering how anyone can do these things to a loving spouse including myself.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 6:31:03 GMT -7
Tee, it is very few men with this addiction/sin that step up and admit their problem and accept responsibility for what it does to their loved ones. Those that do deserve our respect and my hat goes off to them.
One of the main things loved ones run into when dealing with this sin is blame. They get blamed for their spouses acting out. Another thing they deal with is their trust being totally destroyed.
Yes God said it wasn't good for man to be alone. The thing is did He make more than one woman for Adam? Did He say oh oops Eve isn't enough and develop porn?
EDIT: I realize I sound harsh and I apologize. Also the link Tee shared is excellent. It's the Christian version of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. It helps to realize how the other gender thinks.
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