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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 7:33:51 GMT -7
I shared when I introduced myself in the wives group that when my husband first opened up about pornography that he said his first experience with it was when he was only 11 years old..so sad. I am in the prayerful process of now preparing to address a lot with him bc we have often just ignored this and have never tried to tackle it head on together.
What I have been wondering more and more lately is how much of his personality this addiction has affected, he has struggled with lust and pornogrpahy in some form for 20 years now. He has always been a very introverted person and not good at all with people he doesn't know, honestly, unless he is talking about Jesus, then God really does use Him inspite of himself. He has a few friends he's had since childhood and he hasn't really made much effort to make any other friends over the years, another reason why I think this sin has been allowed to go on, he's just isolated himself in many ways and I guess I just wonder what his personality would look like apart from this addiction since I've never known him without it. Does that make sense?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 9:34:21 GMT -7
Yes this addiction is very isolating because of the stigma attached with it but more because of the shame we feel while in it. Was your husband abused in any way growing up? I don't need details just a yes or no...the details should be left for your husband to share if it is a yes. To be brought into this addiction at such a young age makes me wonder. And abuse would explain not only the addiction at a young age but his personality as a whole. Some people are natural introverts though. Although I have never met one.
I was and still am to some degree an introvert. Mine is more from the abuse and trauma I went through growing up and my need to hide my sinful self. Over these last 8 years I have come out of my shell and interact more with others. I also do not hide who I am and where I have been. I still prefer small gatherings to large and I still need alone time away from others to destress.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 11:51:54 GMT -7
From a male standpoint I think that much of what your husband is portraying is due in part to this addiction. It is an addiction that thrives in darkness and secrets. Isolation among addicts is huge as it is that most men will not and do not discuss this area of their lives with anyone. Men in general are not initiators, we most often are loners. We have a few close friends but generally like to be by ourselves. We loners rarely speak up unless we are deeply passionate about something. Like your husband and Jesus speaking.
Getting loners to change is very hard. Getting a loner with an addiction to change is virtually impossible without God. It takes perseverance and loads of patience. Like a child often I had to be reassured time and time again that what I had to say mattered and that my opinion would be valued. Not only did this addiction beat me down but my own guilt kept me there. I feel for you and your spouse. You want him to open up, I believe he wants to but is having difficulty. One thing our counselor did for me was to give me a list of all emotions and whatever I was feeling at the moment I could point to and my wife at the time would know how to respond. It was small going at first but it gave me a sense of control over the situation. It is something to try.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 17, 2015 20:29:19 GMT -7
I'm a natural introvert too. But I refuse to live that way. For me, that's the real underlying problem, not my PA. In fact, my PA is a direct symptom of my emotional and social anorexia. So my recovery needs to address this. I make myself to outreach via phone calls, groups, church every day. And this is something I mandate myself to do whether I feel triggered or not.
For myself, the idea that if I had not developed a s*x or p*rn addiction at an early age, I would have been more social, does not really apply to me. But rather being introverted and anti-social at an early age made me more susceptible to PA and SA. That's just my opinion. And it is true that many PAs and SAs are socially anorexic.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 21:55:42 GMT -7
Thank you all for sharing your insight and perspective on this.
Amy,
So far my husband hasn't opened up about any abuse in his life, I have never asked though but it is now part of what I have written up to talk about with him, I have a number of questions to ask that I never had the courage or desire to ask before. I want the answer to be no about abuse of course but if there has been anything I pray he feels he can share it with me.
Jonathon,
I think you are right on with what you shared about my husband wanting to be open but just not knowing how and so not doing it. I can tell from the few times he has opened up that when he's finally ready it's going to be like the flood gates were opened and I know I need to be prayed up bc it will probably be overwhelming for both of us.
Kevin,
I see where you are coming from and I could also see how that could describe my husband as well that his pre-disposition to being a loner only made it easier for this particular type of sin to part of his life.
I guess I have just always seen something in him that I feel most people miss bc he doesn't let many people close to him and I'm sorry about that bc he really does have so much to offer and I know one of the enemy's goals is to keep us from sharing all that God has planned for us to be.
It's helpful to talk about this with others but I need to still do the real difficult part of addressing this with all with my husband. I'm scared of all that might come about but I'm choosing to trust in Jesus, that were in His hands.
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