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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 7:25:44 GMT -7
Hello all. I'm a wife and I have been dealing with this in my marriage for almost all 8 years of it (its our 8th wedding anniversary today incidentally)
The site I was on before is closing down and one of your admins (or mods) was a member there and he suggested coming here.
Long story short. Neither my husband or I were Christian but became Christian through this vile thing that has spread throughout our marriage like a rot. because porn and its effects brought us both to faith I believe we cannot let it then destroy the marriage which is basically why I've stuck it out with all the relapses etc. This summer I had to ask my husband to leave the home following discovery of another 3 months of secret viewing, pending what to do next .
Meanwhile we were waiting on news from a job 400 miles away he had applied for for our 'new start' . I said to God if he gets the job then clearly I am to attempt reconciliation (as we have a 7 year old daughter) . he got the job so I have left everything (house, friends, church, support network) out of pure gritted teeth obedience (although to be fair i dont want to give up either)
It has been really hard and I havent felt God even exists any more at all really since the month in the summer when we were separated (even though I know thats just a feeling) My faith seems to take a hard battering with each relapse and it has taken a really hard knock this time, I mean, I still believe everything I believed, but it all disappears and seems out of reach. I think its complicated by the amount of spiritual talk my husband would give which was all lies, because he was using. He is now in ministry and praying with a lot of people and i kind of want to punch him when he prays (sorry, just being honest) because i have heard it all and underneath has been complete hypocrisy. Trying to keep my faith separate from his failings but its hard because his spirituality is like a trigger for me.
Its really frustrating. I'm just frustrated.
He had like, a crazy deliverance from all kind of spiritual oppression in the summer, apparantly, and believes that the hold it (porn) had on him has completely gone. I dont know, maybe it has, maybe him being kicked out was enough, unfortunately i have believed 'never again' so many times. Its like he had to destroy everything before he could change, and now he has changed but unfortunately its too late because everything is destroyed.
I feel s-xually absolutely messed up. My daughter has anxiety and phobia symptoms she never had before, with the trauma of the separation and move. I could do with a little hope right now! We are all miserable and fed up with the stuck point we're at. And i have to somehow at some point put my heart and body back in the hands of the one who has violated it for 8 years and believe the same thing wont happen again.
I always believed never again but now I've run out of believing that, even though it might be true
Sorry for the ramble. It was only meant to be a short hello.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 7:36:31 GMT -7
just noticed the introductions section- can a mod please move this thread to there if its more appropriate?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 7:48:29 GMT -7
(Giggles) Hello and welcome Mrs. Ellekay. I'm so glad that you came to join our forum. I've known you for a while on TTF and have found you to be a woman of strong values and incredible virtue. I know that the wealth of knowledge you and your husband will bring will be a great asset to this site. I mention your husband because I too hope that he will feel comfortable joining us and offering his insight too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 8:09:24 GMT -7
Hi Ellekay! Don't know if you remember me from TTF but yeah Kevin brought me here and we dragged John here. I am so glad you decided to join us.
I feel for you hon, you have dealt with so much in your marriage. It could very well be true that your husband has experienced a deliverance from this that most of us can only dream about. I have heard of it happening and believe God still works in that way today. I completely understand your lack of trust in this and your husband needs to prove that he has changed. Keep your boundaries in place. Try to remember that it isn't God who has failed you...it is your husband. Yes be angry with God. Scream and yell at Him. Just don't turn from Him.
How are you taking care of yourself? Are you reaching out to other women in your new church? You may want to look into Celebrate Recovery meetings in your area. Also if you aren't in counseling, find a good counselor to go to.
I will be praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 13:06:02 GMT -7
For the record they didn't drag me here I came willingly so there....lol.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2015 8:03:20 GMT -7
Hi yes Amy I remember you
i'm about to go away for a few days back to where we lived before to see old faces, so will hopefully be able to get into the forum more when i get back
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2015 8:52:40 GMT -7
That is great news Elle! Enjoy your time with your family and friends.
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Dec 17, 2015 20:04:22 GMT -7
I have to say, ElleKay, that it is really encouraging to see your presence among us. You have so much wisdom and experience to offer to this site. Thank you.
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teetop
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Interests: EVERYTHING CHRISTIAN
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Post by teetop on Jul 4, 2016 11:02:20 GMT -7
Hello all. I'm a wife and I have been dealing with this in my marriage for almost all 8 years of it (its our 8th wedding anniversary today incidentally)
The site I was on before is closing down and one of your admins (or mods) was a member there and he suggested coming here.
Long story short. Neither my husband or I were Christian but became Christian through this vile thing that has spread throughout our marriage like a rot. because porn and its effects brought us both to faith I believe we cannot let it then destroy the marriage which is basically why I've stuck it out with all the relapses etc. This summer I had to ask my husband to leave the home following discovery of another 3 months of secret viewing, pending what to do next .
Meanwhile we were waiting on news from a job 400 miles away he had applied for for our 'new start' . I said to God if he gets the job then clearly I am to attempt reconciliation (as we have a 7 year old daughter) . he got the job so I have left everything (house, friends, church, support network) out of pure gritted teeth obedience (although to be fair i don't want to give up either)
It has been really hard and I haven't felt God even exists any more at all really since the month in the summer when we were separated (even though I know that's just a feeling) My faith seems to take a hard battering with each relapse and it has taken a really hard knock this time, I mean, I still believe everything I believed, but it all disappears and seems out of reach. I think its complicated by the amount of spiritual talk my husband would give which was all lies, because he was using. He is now in ministry and praying with a lot of people and i kind of want to punch him when he prays (sorry, just being honest) because i have heard it all and underneath has been complete hypocrisy. Trying to keep my faith separate from his failings but its hard because his spirituality is like a trigger for me.
Its really frustrating. I'm just frustrated.
He had like, a crazy deliverance from all kind of spiritual oppression in the summer, apparently, and believes that the hold it (porn) had on him has completely gone. I don't know, maybe it has, maybe him being kicked out was enough, unfortunately i have believed 'never again' so many times. Its like he had to destroy everything before he could change, and now he has changed but unfortunately its too late because everything is destroyed.
I feel s-xually absolutely messed up. My daughter has anxiety and phobia symptoms she never had before, with the trauma of the separation and move. I could do with a little hope right now! We are all miserable and fed up with the stuck point we're at. And i have to somehow at some point put my heart and body back in the hands of the one who has violated it for 8 years and believe the same thing wont happen again.
I always believed never again but now I've run out of believing that, even though it might be true
Sorry for the ramble. It was only meant to be a short hello.
You have nothing to be sorry for Ellekay.
You have just described some one who is in darkness and continuing to harden their heart.(Husband)
Reminds me of an Old Testament Story:
Abigail and Nabal
1Sa 25:3 (now the man's name was Nabal, and his wife's name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance, but the man was harsh and evil in his dealings, and he was a Calebite),(NASB)[God's description]
1Sa 25:23 When Abigail saw David, she hurried and dismounted from her donkey, and fell on her face before David and bowed herself to the ground.
1Sa 25:24 She fell at his feet and said, "On me alone, my lord, be the blame. And please let your maidservant speak to you, and listen to the words of your maidservant.
1Sa 25:25 "Please do not let my lord pay attention to this worthless man, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him; but I your maidservant did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent.
1Sa 25:26 "Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, since the LORD has restrained you from shedding blood, and from avenging yourself by your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek evil against my lord, be as Nabal.
1Sa 25:27 "Now let this gift which your maidservant has brought to my lord be given to the young men who accompany my lord.
1Sa 25:28 "Please forgive the transgression of your maidservant; for the LORD will certainly make for my lord an enduring house, because my lord is fighting the battles of the LORD, and evil will not be found in you all your days.
1Sa 25:29 "Should anyone rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, then the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living with the LORD your God; but the lives of your enemies He will sling out as from the hollow of a sling.
1Sa 25:30 "And when the LORD does for my lord according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you, and appoints you ruler over Israel,
1Sa 25:31 this will not cause grief or a troubled heart to my lord, both by having shed blood without cause and by my lord having avenged himself. When the LORD deals well with my lord, then remember your maidservant."
1Sa 25:32 Then David said to Abigail, "Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me,
1Sa 25:33 and blessed be your discernment, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodshed and from avenging myself by my own hand.
1Sa 25:34 "Nevertheless, as the LORD God of Israel lives, who has restrained me from harming you, unless you had come quickly to meet me, surely there would not have been left to Nabal until the morning light as much as one male."
1Sa 25:35 So David received from her hand what she had brought him and said to her, "Go up to your house in peace. See, I have listened to you and granted your request."
1Sa 25:36 Then Abigail came to Nabal, and behold, he was holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. And Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk; so she did not tell him anything at all until the morning light.
1Sa 25:37 But in the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him so that he became as a stone.
1Sa 25:38 About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died. (NASB)
Notice Abigail protected her family, did the will of God, and treated David as a neighbor. And Nabal did not, so God struck him in judgment.
Even though we may go through hard times according to our will, God's will always brings Blessings to us.
Abigail treated her marriage to Nabal as one flesh Vs. 28 by excepting the actions as being a part of her.
She knew David was to be King and treated him as such.
I don't think I can say it any better than it says in the 'The Preacher's Commentary on this:
1 Samuel 25:12-35
When Wisdom Interrupts Anger
The way the story has been told, readers have already been pre pared for David's response to Nabal's churlish behavior and under stand the implications of "each of you gird on his sword" (1Sa_25:13) and tend to sympathize with the proposed action. The feeling that Nabal needs to be taught a lesson comes quite naturally. It isn't until David and Abigail meet that we learn that David has made a vow to God that he will utterly destroy Nabal and every male child and servant (1Sa_25:21-22). David had concluded that Nabal's rejection of his re quest was in essence a rejection of God, making his action against Nabal the "judgment of God" rather than David's revenge.
That David eventually thanked God for sending Abigail to deter him from his intentions (1Sa_25:32) is a dear indication that David's plan had been colored more by his desire for revenge than he himself had realized. One of the great dangers Christians face, even the most dedicated, is that it is too easy to confuse our own agenda with God's.
During my graduate studies I once spent an afternoon in a room of the library which contained all of the library, writings, and personal correspondence of a very notorious preacher. His grandson, feeling that the material had historical significance and wanting to preserve the memory of his grandfather after his death, donated the materials to the school. In book after book, article after article, and in much of his personal correspondence there was the common belief—that anyone who opposed him was opposing God and that an effort to destroy his personal enemies was actually helping God with his work. Yet even as I found myself reacting so strongly to his rationalizing his attitudes and actions, I realized that each of us has this tendency and needs to seek God's help lest we forget the difference between the Creator and the creature.
Abigail's response to her husband's foolish action can serve as a model for all who are not content to face with benign resignation the problems that are created by others.
First, she was willing to hear the truth from servants. She based her plan on the information she received from the servants who had not been consulted by her husband.
Second, she moved immediately to honor David's re quest with provisions for his men. While what was to be given didn't make a dent in Nabal's wealth, it did take time and effort to gather and transport food for six hundred persons.
Finally, she de signed a plan to meet David and to dissuade him from retaliating against the whole household because of Nabal's foolishness. Abigail could function as the patron saint of those who meet difficult situations with clear thinking, decisive action, and risk-taking efforts at reconciliation. What she did took both discernment and courage, but it was the only thing that could redeem a bad situation.
Her speech to David is a classic effort at reconciliation and a model of tact. While the main reason the story was preserved was related to its insights into the acceptance by the populace that David was indeed God's choice for king and how David was able to build support among the Calebites by his marriage to Abigail, there are also lessons for defusing potentially dangerous conflict between people. Since most of our unhappiness comes from conflict with people, and because so many people have an aversion to dealing directly with anything that creates tension, Abigail offers some help for us all.
Her first act was to accept responsibility for what had happened—"On me let this iniquity be" (1Sa_25:24). She was keenly aware that with the blame came also the punishment. She held herself re sponsible for not seeing or hearing David's servants when they came (1Sa_25:25). The changing of the target from the harsh and foolish Nabal to his intelligent and beautiful wife took David completely by surprise, and he was willing to halt his action and listen to her request. Those who are able to accept judgment for things they didn't do are much more apt to set things right than those who are always trying to blame others for their own actions. It's the principle of the Cross, and it opens doors for peace.
While Abigail made no effort to cover up her husband's actions, she separated herself from it and asked David to consider the source (1Sa_25:25). Her whole posture was one in which she treated David as a rightful king and argued that her husband's slight of David was only the expected response of a man whose very name meant "fool." There was the suggestion that David and his warriors against a fool was a needless mismatch.
One of the most helpful things that Abigail did was to help David evaluate the consequences of his planned action. She even suggested that she might be saving him from doing something that would haunt him in the days to come and that rather than carrying out the judgment of God, what he planned might even thwart God's purpose (1Sa_25:31). A lot of tension is created in our lives by wanting both to be affirmed in all we think and do and also to be told the truth. While David was angry and felt justified in his plans, there must have been some small cloud of doubt in the back side of his mind about what he was doing or he would not have responded the way he did. Wise friends often don't tell us what we ought to do as much as they help us to recognize and act on what we already know and have ignored.
But the argument that cinched her case was that since David was under God's care then he could trust God to punish Nabal. She used as her analogy of God's care for David a practice she had witnessed often—the placing of valuable jewels and pieces of silver and gold on a cloth, rolling it, and tying it so that the possessions might be stored or transported without danger (1Sa_25:29). Her words had the power to transport David from the trying circumstances of the moment and remind him that what Abigail said was true. Since the day Samuel had anointed him he had been in God's hands. Each of us needs constantly to be reminded that our lives are in God's hands and we can trust Him ultimately to make things right.
With the assumption that God would take care of Nabal and would eventually make David ruler of Israel (1Sa_25:30), Abigail's last request was for herself. She pled, "When the LORD has dealt well with my lord, then remember your maidservant" (1Sa_25:31). David's response was like a doxology in which he praised God for the whole experience and the difference it was going to make (1Sa_25:32-33). He received the gift and spared the household (1Sa_25:35). It was to David's credit that he responded the way he did. Since so many people are allergic to logic and common sense and ideas that didn't originate with themselves, it is encouraging to find a great and powerful man who is able to take good counsel. We all have impulses that need to be denied, plans that need to be rethought, and feelings that ought not be translated into action. We all need to ask God to give us the ability to recognize wisdom that is of Him, whatever the human source.(The Preacher's Commentary)
I want to thank you Ellekay for your share.
Virgil
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