Respectful Communcation

It's not selfish for you to want him to stop looking at porn. And if he gets defensive, well, you wouldn't be having this conversation if he didn't have this addiction. My hubby tried for over a decade to quit on his own and it didn't work. Porn is as addictive  as heroin. It lights up the same parts of the brain.

I gave my hubby of 18 years (this was Sept of 14) a list of boundaries, one, Porn blocking software on everything, two, he was to attend a support group for the rest of his life and three, he had to have sponsor for the rest of his life b/c porn will be a temptation for the rest of their lives. We attend Celebrate Recovery which is a Christian based group for ppl with hurts, habits and hangups. You can google their website and see if there is one in your area. We were separated in the home for over a year. I'm starting therapy on Monday. I think I finally found someone who can help me.

He had to chose b/t porn....or me b/c after over a decade of it, I was soooooo ready to divorce.

Porn is adultery and it can lead to acting out physically. How long have you been together? Do you have children together?

 

Welcome to BG BTW. He CAN get victory. But he has to come out of isolation. Is he a believer? My hubby has been sober for a year and PB software helped a lot. Knowing that I was getting a report every week made him stop. He also didn't want to lose me nor his three teen kids and miss out on our lives.  Check out Covenant Eyes. 

I will be praying for ya'll esp you. Also, pray before you confront him.

Take care and good luck! God CAN pull down this stronghold.

I respect him enough to not take the stance that I'm telling him what to do. However, I'm frustrated that his "progress" is so slow. We have been together for just over a year... I moved in with him 6 or 7 months after we started dating... My counselor advised me to create my own deadline to re-evaluate our relationship. I was asked to move out once... But he let me stay on the conditions that I'm getting counseling services. I almost moved out again this past weekend... But I'm still here. He thinks the problem is my propensity to check up on him and he can't stand the idea that I sometimes do. My counselor stated that an addict will protect the source as much as possible... That's what I see happening here.

I would be soooo interested to hear a man's point of view....

Hi everyone,

Most of us here know my stance on boundaries. As a PA, it would be unacceptable for me to have easy access to P in my own home. If I ever want to act out, I'm going to use every opportunity now that I have clarity to make it as difficult as possible. In the olden days, us PAs would have to go "out". Nowadays, we can act out in the privacy of our own home no thanks to the world wide web.


Would I keep porn in my closet? I would certainly hope not! But believe it or not, PAs will justify having such a "security" stash of P. I've done it myself. And I've scammed myself into thinking that by having some old P in my closet, I was helping myself to recover from it. Pretty nuts, eh?

And this is how I view unrestricted access to the internet. That's it's nothing more than a "security" stash of free P that is a mile long, and it changes every day. I've rarely seen a PA recover from P without practicing radical amputation and cutting off all access to P.

You have heard that it was said to the ancients: "Do not commit adultery."  But I say to you, Everyone looking at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  But if your right eye offends you, take it out and throw if from you - for it is profitable to you that one of your members should perish, and all your body not be thrown into Hell.  And if your right hand causes you to offend, cut it off and throw it from you - for it is profitable to you that one of your members should perish, and all your body not be thrown into Hell.
Matthew 5:27-30

PAs are very slippery people. My idea is to get the internet out of the home altogether. If he needs it so bad, he can go use the free wi-fi at McDonald's or such. Or get some serious strategies in place to block P during times he's online. Covenant Eyes is a pretty good filter. Most internet filters are no good for a PA. As a PA myself, I can break through most internet filters like a hot knife through butter. And don't give me administrative access. All havoc will come loose if you give me that. lol!

For me, setting these boundaries is my job, not my wife's. It would be too overwhelming and challenging for my wife to figure out how to keep her husband away from P.

In blocking P from my computer, I used my supporting wife to set and keep all the passwords, but halfway through the process, she was scratching her head wondering why I was taking so many steps. Thats because it takes a PA to know how to addict-proof his home. Of course, this all just my opinion.

Perhaps some may view me weak because I have to set so many physical boundaries around my internet and TV use. Okay, so I'm weak. I can admit that. But if I try to rely on my own strength, I fail to lean on God's superior strength. And today, I didn't view P. And I am extremely grateful that P is not easily accessible in my home. It actually feels very freeing.

Bottom line, if someone is struggling with P, I would seriously doubt his or her desire to recover if he/she refuses to set boundaries and restrict access to P in the home. Would a recovering alcoholic keep whiskey in his cupboard or beer in the fridge?

I surely hope your man changes his mind and sets some serious boundaries for himself. He needs to have a plan. Otherwise, I don't see him having much success. He may do well on his own 99% of the time. But all it takes is that 1% of the time where he can lose clarity and he crashes down hard. No one is perfect. And no one is perfect 100% of the time.

And I surely hope for your sake that you won't tolerate being treated this way. And unfortunately, it's not going to be easy.  You're going to have to put your foot down hard!  Otherwise, your partner will probably not take you seriously.  I'm sorry, but I think that's the best way.   And it's my opinion that you would be better off alone for the rest of your life than staying in a relationship with a man that cannot work to keep custody of his eyes and mind and body. God bless you sister.

Gosh, you guys... Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to write down your insights and thoughts. You've given me much to think about... I need to chew on this for a little bit. :-)

I've been praying every day... and I've approached the topic twice. It's feeling like, to me, that he's going to have to hear it from another man. I'm praying that the LORD will send Godly men into his life.

Our Father,
Your ways are beyond our understanding and we have come to appreciate and respect them. Thank you for leading this young woman and her SO to our forum. May your love continue to shine down on her as she walks by your side through this time of trial. Give her the words to say and open his ears Lord so that he may hear her convictions. Strengthen her while you comfort her. Make him understand the truth Lord. Soften his heart and renew his mind for You. We know that Your heart is grieved in this matter as much if not more than ours. We love you Lord and look forward to You working within this relationship. Amen.