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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 4:42:45 GMT -7
I'm new. My husband has had a porn addiction since we were married. If there can be a downside to this, it is that he did not tell me about it. We had the " get it all on the table" talk before we got married. Thru tears, I told him things that was very hard for me. We had this talk b/c we both love the Lord and wanted to enter the marriage clean and open. We are 10 years in and I found out after we were married for about 2 years. I am at the end of the rope. It is the same ole excuses. He has not been interested in being intimate with me for years now. I have lost that feeling for him as well as I feel betrayed and cheated on and against. As of recent I have caught him in the act several times. It sickens me. Truth be told.. I would love to just walk out the door. I don't have anymore fight in me. I feel so alone and sad. I want to do God's will, but, it seems as if he is far from me. I try to stand on his promise of I will never leave you or forsake you.. But it is getting harder to do it. I just want to quit.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 8:32:55 GMT -7
pt55, welcome to the BG forum and I'm so glad you found us!
I am SO sorry for the pain your going through and I'm sending you a big hug.
I was where you are at 11 months ago when I separated from my husband in the home. We are still separated, however, we put Covenant Eyes ( a porn blocking software that send me a weekly report of what he's looked up) on the only puter he's allowed to use.
I told him it's either me or porn b/c I was going to file for divorce. I didn't know how I was going to make it, but I wasn't willing to live with it anymore.
To be honest, I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore. He has to earn my trust back by staying sober.
If you can get the chance, read through the articles for the wives here. They are a great resource.
Porn is adultery and I told my husband to chose. I put up with it for over 12 years and after threatening divorce over and over, I finally put my foot down.
I have a list of boundaries that I expect from him as well.
We also go to Celebrate Recovery which is for people with hurts, habits and hangups. It is a worldwide Christian support group. I have met many wives who are going through the same thing. You can go to their website and see if there are any listed in your area.
I would never presume to tell you what to do. I will be praying for both of you. May God give you wisdom and may your hubby see how his addiction hurts you and have a desire to quit.
God Bless.
Do you have a Celebrate Recovery in your area?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 23:19:01 GMT -7
I first caught my husband at Christmas time in 2006. I held all my feelings in until 2010 and then the anger hit.
It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still get triggered.
This morning I woke my husband up at 5 and I had to vent some anger and I was in tears.
I told him I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore and I don't feel like he puts our marriage first and we've been separated for almost a year.
He hasn't been to a meeting in four weeks.
To be honest, I don't know if I can ever love him again b/c I'm tired of giving my all only to have people betray me. I have had so many family members stab me in the back.
I feel like I have a big cry stuck inside me that I need to get out.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2015 4:44:11 GMT -7
Well, Thursday and Friday I did a lot of crying and I feel a lot better.
How have you been?
I sent you a private message.
I'll still pray for ya'll.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2015 9:02:00 GMT -7
I am praying for you both. Know that as long as you don't turn your back on God, He is there even if you can't feel or hear Him. This is Christ's feelings on the issue of modern day porn.
Matthew 5:28New International Version (NIV)
28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
If your husband isn't changing, then you have biblical grounds for divorce. Adultery is being sexually immoral.
Matthew 5:32New International Version (NIV)
32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
You have been dealing with this issue for 8 years pt55. Have you set down ground rules for staying? You may want to start there if you haven't. Divorce is a big step and seems so final...I am going through a divorce right now. Bottom line is that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work and if he isn't changing or trying to then you do have biblical grounds for divorce along with legal grounds. Stay strong hon and don't give up on God. He is with you even when you can't feel Him.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2015 18:53:12 GMT -7
Thank you for your prayers Amy.
He has only acted out once that I know of in a year.
One night, we were having family devotions and my son prayed to God and said, "Thank you LORD that daddy gets to stay at home during this time." I cried myself to sleep. He gave up his room for his dad.
I'm not a very patient person sometimes OK well a lot LOL. I just want everything fixed and now. It's hard waiting on the LORD.
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teetop
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Post by teetop on Jun 17, 2016 10:09:43 GMT -7
My heart goes out to you pt55, as I can relate from my own past.
My first wife and were married around 1964 and you would have thought my sexual life would be fulfilled.
Alas, not so, for sex in any form was already at work in me. And as I look back, work was scarce and I had a lot of time on my hands. A perfect time for some one like myself who's flesh wanted sex with whomever I could get my hands on. Nothing and nobody was safe, nor was age.
The sexual addiction tends to be in charge of your actions and the symptoms manifest themselves in all kinds of debauchery. Adultery of my heart:
(Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY';
Mat 5:28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Mat 5:29 "If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
Mat 5:30 "If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.
Mat 5:31 "It was said, 'WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE';
Mat 5:32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. NASB)
V's 27 is a quote from Exo_20:14; Deu_5:18; yet Jesus clarifies this by pointing out the part the heart plays in breaking this commandment in V's 28. Pornography is just the tip of the ice-burg coming from an outside source while Jesus points out the concept of 'LUST' being the major vehicle for my sin of using 'imagination/daydreaming'.
As you can see scripture has a lot to say about Adultery and a lot about divorce too.
I left my first wife, though we talked about being reconciled, my lust in reality kept us apart and finely led to our divorce to protect the kids. Yet even though we both were living as dead in our trespasses nothing changed till my children left me completely. Then and only then did I feel the need to give up and turn to Christ. Somethings changed instantly and others not so much. And though I struggled at that with my feelings and emotions, I still for the most part let my flesh control my actions and thoughts. In fact I can probably say that if I knew then what I know now, I would have done every thing possible to restore our marriage.
God hates divorce.
(Mal 2:16 "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." NASB)
(Mat 19:3 Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?"
Mat 19:4 And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE,
Mat 19:5 and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'?
Mat 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
Mat 19:7 They *said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?"
Mat 19:8 He *said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.
Mat 19:9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Mat 19:10 The disciples *said to Him, "If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry."
Mat 19:11 But He said to them, "Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given.
Mat 19:12 "For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it." NASB)
Note what Warren Wiersbe had to say in his New Testament Commentary on this set of verses:
Matthew 19:1-15
Chapter Sixteen
The King’s Instructions
Mat_19:1-15
The King’s “retirement” from the crowds was about to come to an end. But the attacks of the enemy would grow more intense, culminating in His arrest and crucifixion. The religious leaders had already tried to ensnare Him with questions about the Sabbath and signs, and they had failed. They tried again, this time with a most controversial issue — divorce.
This subject is both important and controversial today. The divorce rate continues to climb (at this writing, one divorce for every 1.8 marriages), and divorce has invaded even the homes of Christian leaders. Someone has commented that couples “are married for better or for worse, but not for long.” We need to examine again what Jesus taught about this subject. He explained four different laws relating to marriage and divorce.
The Original Creation Law (Mat_19:3-6)
Instead of going back to Deuteronomy, Jesus went back to Genesis. What God did when He established the first marriage teaches us positively what He had in mind for a man and a woman. If we build a marriage after God’s ideal pattern, we will not have to worry about divorce laws.
The reasons for marriage.
The only thing that was not “good” about Creation was the fact that the man was alone (Gen_2:18). The woman was created to meet this need. Adam could not find fellowship with the animals. He needed a companion who was equal to him and with whom he could find fulfillment. God’s answer to this need was Eve.
Marriage makes possible the continuation of the race. “Be fruitful, and multiply” was God’s mandate to the first married couple (Gen_1:28). From the beginning it was God’s command that sex be practiced in the commitment of marriage. Outside of marriage, sex becomes a destructive force; but within the loving commitment of marriage, sex can be creative and constructive.
Marriage is one way to avoid sexual sins (1Co_7:1-6). Of course, a man should not marry simply to legalize lust! If he is lustful outside of marriage, he will no doubt be lustful after he is married. He should not think that getting married will solve all of his personal problems with lust. But marriage is God’s appointed way for a man and a woman to share the physical joys of sex.
Paul used marriage as an illustration of the intimate relationship between Christ and the church (Eph_5:22-23). Just as Eve was taken from the side of Adam (Gen_2:21), so the church was born from the suffering and death of Christ on the cross. Christ loves His church, nourishes it with His Word, cleanses it, and cares for it. Christ’s relationship to His church is the example for all husbands to follow.
The characteristics of marriage.
By going back to the original Edenic Law, Jesus reminded His listeners of the true characteristics of marriage. If we remember these characteristics, we will better know how to build a happy and enduring marriage.
It is a divinely appointed union. God established marriage, and therefore only God can control its character and laws. No court of law can change what God has established.
It is a physical union. The man and woman become “one flesh.” While it is important that a husband and wife be of one mind and heart, the basic union in marriage is physical. If a man and woman became “one spirit” in marriage, then death would not dissolve the marriage; for the spirit never dies. Even if a man and woman disagree, are “incompatible,” and cannot get along, they are still married; for the union is a physical one.
It is a permanent union. God’s original design was that one man and one woman spend one life together. God’s original Law knows nothing of “trial marriages.” God’s Law requires that the husband and wife enter into marriage without reservations.
It is a union between one man and one woman. God did not create two men and one woman, two women and one man, two men, or two women. “Group marriages,” “gay marriages,” and other variations are contrary to the will of God, no matter what some psychologists and jurists may say.
The Seventh Commandment (Mat_5:27-30)
While Jesus did not refer to the seventh commandment in this discussion, He did quote it in the Sermon on the Mount (Mat_5:27-32). Let’s examine what He said.
Jesus and the New Testament writers affirm the authority of “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exo_20:14). While the word fornication seems to cover many kinds of sexual sins (see Mar_7:21; Rom_1:29; 1Co_6:13), adultery involves only married people. When a married person has intercourse with someone other than his or her mate, that is adultery. God has declared that it is wrong and it is sin. There are numerous warnings in the New Testament against sexual sins, including adultery (Act_15:20; 1Co_6:15-18; Gal_5:19; Eph_4:17; Eph_5:3-12; Col_3:5; 1Th_4:3-7; Heb_13:4).
This commandment affirms the sanctity of sex. God created it, God protects it, and God punishes when His law is violated. Nine of the Ten Commandments are repeated in the New Testament for us to heed. (The Sabbath commandment was given only to Israel and does not apply to the church today.) We must not think that because we are “under grace” we can flaunt God’s Law and get away with it. “Fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Heb_13:4 2, nasb).
However, Jesus went much deeper in His discussion of adultery. He showed that this can be a sin of the heart as well as a sin of the body. It is not enough simply to control the body; we must also control the inner thoughts and desires. To look at a woman for the purpose of lusting after her is to commit adultery in the heart. This does not mean that we cannot admire a beautiful person or picture; for it is possible to do that and not sin. It is when we look with the intention of satisfying lustful desires, that we commit adultery in the heart.
A sanctified sex life begins with the inner desires. Jesus singled out the eye and the hand, because seeing and feeling are usually the first steps toward sexual sin. Of course, He did not command us to perform physical surgery, since He was clearly dealing with the inner desires. He commanded us to deal drastically with sin, to remove from our lives anything that would pamper our wrong desires. We must “hunger and thirst after righteousness.”
Jesus did not alter the original Edenic Law of marriage, nor did He annul the seventh commandment. What He taught was based solidly on God’s creation and God’s moral law.
The Mosaic Law of Divorce (Mat_19:7-8)
Like many people who “argue religion,” these Pharisees were not interested in discovering truth. They were interested only in defending themselves and what they believed. This was why they asked about the Jewish law of divorce recorded in Deu_24:1-4.
I suggest you read this important passage in the New American Standard Bible to distinguish the tenses of the verbs. This translation makes it clear that Moses gave only one commandment: The divorced wife could not return to her first husband if she was put away by a second husband. Moses did not command divorce; he permitted it. He commanded that the husband give his ex-wife a legal bill of divorcement. But the wife could not return to her first husband after being remarried and divorced.
What a wise law this was. To begin with, the husband would think twice before hastily putting away his wife, since he could not get her back again. Furthermore, it would have taken time to find a scribe (not everyone could write legal documents), and during that time the two estranged people might have been reconciled. The Pharisees were interpreting Moses’ Law as though it were a commandment. Jesus made it clear that Moses was only giving permission for divorce.
But what did Moses mean by some uncleanness in her? The Hebrew means “some matter of nakedness,” but this need not refer to sexual sin. That phrase is the equivalent of “some shameful thing” (see Gen_2:25; Gen_3:7, Gen_3:10). It is the interpretation of this phrase that divided the two schools of Rabbi Hillel and Rabbi Shammai, famous first-century Jewish scholars. Hillel took a very lax view and said that the husband could divorce his wife for almost any reason, while Shammai took the stricter view and said Moses was speaking only about sexual sin. No matter which side Jesus took, He would surely offend somebody.
There were several laws of marriage given to the Jews, and we must examine them in order to get some perspective. For example, if a man married a woman and discovered that she was not a virgin, he could expose her sin and have her stoned (Deu_22:13-21). Of course, he had to have proof; and if he did not, he was fined and had to live with the woman all of his life. This law was as much a protection to the woman as to the man.
If a man suspected his wife of unfaithfulness, he followed the procedure outlined in Num_5:11. We cannot follow that procedure today (which certainly included elements of divine judgment) since there is no priesthood or tabernacle.
Remember that the Law of Moses demanded the death penalty for those who committed adultery (Lev_20:10; Deu_22:22). Our Lord’s enemies appealed to this law when they tried to trap Him (Joh_8:1). While we have no record in the Old Testament that anyone was stoned for committing adultery, this was the divine law. The experience of Joseph (Mat_1:18-25) indicates that the Jews used divorce rather than stoning in dealing with an adulterous wife.
Why did God command that the adulterer or adulteress be stoned to death? Certainly as an example to warn the people, for adultery undermines the very fabric of society and the home. There must be commitment in marriage, and faithfulness to each other and to God, if there is to be stability in society and in the church. God had to preserve Israel because the promised Saviour would come through that nation. God opposed divorce in Israel because it weakened the nation and threatened the birth of the Messiah (see Mal_2:10-16).
But there was another reason for capital punishment: This left the other party free to marry again. Death breaks the marriage bond, since marriage is a physical union (Rom_7:1-3). It was important that families be continued in Israel that they might protect their inheritance (Num_36:1-13).
We must note one final fact before leaving this section: The divorce that Moses permitted in Deu_24:1-22 actually severed the original marriage relationship. God permitted the woman to marry again, and her second marriage was not considered adulterous. The second man she married was called a “husband” and not an adulterer. This explains how the woman of Samaria could have had five husbands, and yet be living with a man not her husband (Joh_4:16-18). Apparently all five of those marriages had been legal and scriptural.
This means that scriptural divorce does sever the marriage relationship. Man cannot break this relationship by his laws, but God can break it. The same God who gives the laws that join people together can also give laws to put them asunder. God can do it, but man cannot.
Finally, Jesus made it clear that this Mosaic Law of divorce was a concession on God’s part. God’s original law of marriage left no room for divorce, but that law was laid down before man had sinned. Rather than have two people living together in constant conflict, with one or both of them seeking fulfillment elsewhere and thus commit sin, God permitted divorce. This divorce included the right to remarriage. The Pharisees did not ask about remarriage, for this was no problem. They accepted the fact that the parties would seek other mates, and this was allowed by Moses.
Our Lord’s Law of Marriage (Mat_19:9-12; Mat_5:31-32)
When Jesus said “And I say unto you,” He was claiming to be God; for only God can establish or alter the laws of marriage. He declared that marriage was a permanent union that could only be broken by sexual sin. The word fornication in the New Testament covers many kinds of sexual sins. The definition of fornication as “sexual sin between two unmarried persons” would not apply here, for Jesus was talking about married persons. Are we to believe that the 23,000 men who committed fornication under the enticement of Baalam (Num_25:1-18) were all unmarried men? Was the admonition of Act_15:20, Act_15:29 sent only to single church members?
Marriage is a permanent physical union that can be broken only by a physical cause: death or sexual sin. (I would take it that homosexuality and bestiality would qualify.) Man cannot break the union, but God can. Under the Old Testament Law, the sinner was stoned to death. But the church today does not bear the sword (Rom_13:1-4). Were adultery and fornication more serious under the Law than the same sins are today? Of course not! If anything, such sins are even worse today in the light of the full revelation of God’s grace and holiness that we now have in Jesus Christ.
The conclusion seems to be that divorce in the New Testament is the equivalent of death in the Old Testament: It permitted the innocent party freedom to remarry.
Notice that our Lord’s new law of marriage and divorce was based on the three previous laws. From the Edenic Law He took the principle that marriage was a physical union that could only be broken by a physical cause, and that only God could permit the breaking of the union. From the seventh commandment He took the principle that sexual sin did indeed break the marriage union. From the Mosaic Law of divorce He took the principle that God could ordain divorce and effectively break the marriage union, and that the freed party could remarry and not be guilty of adultery.
Our Lord’s teaching is that there is only one scriptural basis for divorce, and that is sexual sin (fornication). If two people are divorced on any other basis, and marry other mates, they are committing adultery.
Jesus did not teach that the offended mate had to get a divorce. Certainly there can be forgiveness, patient healing, and a restoration of the broken relationship. This would be the Christian approach to the problem. But, sad to say, because of the hardness of our hearts, it is sometimes impossible to heal the wounds and save the marriage. Divorce is the final option, not the first option.
Happy marriages are not accidents. They are the result of commitment, love, mutual understanding, sacrifice, and hard work. If a husband and wife are fulfilling their marriage vows, they will enjoy a growing relationship that will satisfy them and keep them true to each other. Except for the possibility of sudden temptation, no husband or wife would think of a relationship with another person, so long as their relationship at home is growing and satisfying. And the pure love of a husband or wife is a great protection against even sudden temptation.
The disciples’ response to Christ’s teaching showed that they disagreed with Him. “If there is no way to get out of a bad marriage, then you are better off staying single!” was their argument. Jesus did not want them to consider divorce as an “out” because then they would not have a serious attitude toward marriage.
In Mat_19:12, Jesus made it clear that each man (and woman) must consider God’s will concerning marriage. Some people should not get married because of physical or emotional problems from birth. Others should not get married because of their responsibilities in society; they have been “made eunuchs by man.” An only child who must care for aged parents might be an example of this category. Some, like the Apostle Paul, stay single that they might better serve the Lord (1Co_7:7).
It is fitting that our Lord’s teaching about marriage should be followed by His blessing of the children for children are the happy heritage of those who are married. Jesus did not look on the children as a curse or a burden. “Two shall become one flesh” is fulfilled in the birth of children, and the love of the parents is deepened and matured as it is shared with others in the home.
The parents brought the children to Jesus that He might bless them. There is no thought here of baptism or even of salvation. Children who have not reached the age of accountability (Isa_7:16) are surely covered by the death of Christ (Rom_5:17-21). Children are born sinners (Psa_51:5); but if they die before they are accountable, they are regenerated and taken to heaven (2Sa_12:23; Psa_23:6).
The children were certainly privileged to have Jesus take them in His arms and pray for them. Our practice of baby dedication today seeks to follow this example. How happy those children are whose parents are married in the will of God, and who are seeking to obey God, and who bring them to Jesus for His blessing.
This is telling me, we have another great Topical study in God's word here on 'Divorce.
Mean while I've gotten the erg to watch "Fireproof"
I do pray you find peace in your walk and never give up.
For it was my struggle with porn, that drew me to join 'Blazinggrace.
Virgil
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I'm new. My husband has had a porn addiction since we were married. If there can be a downside to this, it is that he did not tell me about it. We had the " get it all on the table" talk before we got married. Thru tears, I told him things that was very hard for me. We had this talk b/c we both love the Lord and wanted to enter the marriage clean and open. We are 10 years in and I found out after we were married for about 2 years. I am at the end of the rope. It is the same ole excuses. He has not been interested in being intimate with me for years now. I have lost that feeling for him as well as I feel betrayed and cheated on and against. As of recent I have caught him in the act several times. It sickens me. Truth be told.. I would love to just walk out the door. I don't have anymore fight in me. I feel so alone and sad. I want to do God's will, but, it seems as if he is far from me. I try to stand on his promise of I will never leave you or forsake you.. But it is getting harder to do it. I just want to quit.
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