Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2015 20:52:07 GMT -7
I just found this forum. This is the first online forum I've ever joined. I hope and pray that there are women out there who I can connect with and relate to. My husband and I have only been married for eight months. We just recently found out that I am pregnant with our first child together. I have two daughters from a previous marriage. We do have the Lord in our lives. We were both baptized the Sunday morning after our wedding. I thought we were doing everything right and getting off to a strong start. Just this past Saturday I was looking at something (I honestly don't even remember what I was doing) on his phone. For whatever reason I just looked at the history on his web browser and clicked on only a couple of the pages. I was absolutely devastated. He had fallen asleep next to me, and I nudged him to wake up. I put the phone in his face with a more than grotesque image on the screen. At first, he did try to deny it. But let's be honest, there was no denying it. I immediately stormed to the bathroom and sobbed as I had a little break down. I slept on the couch that night. I got up and ready for church the next morning with every intention of leaving him at home. He did actually awake on his own, but I hurried and jumped in my car while he was getting ready and we drove separately. I was fuming inside as he sat next to me. I don't think I could recall any of the sermon if I tried. We have always held hands during prayer. It's one of those little things I love about us. I purposely tried to avoid this by sitting on my hand or having my arms folded. The service was over and I didn't go straight home, rather, I went for a drive to be alone and break down again. When I came home he was sitting silently in the living room. I layed down on the love seat to take a nap. He came over, knelt down next to me and began apologizing. He admitted that he in fact did have a problem and wanted to change. That has been a week ago. He's had me install software on his phone, he's reached out to two close male friends who are both willing to help him and be his accountability partners. The Lord has laid conviction upon him, and through his tears I can see that he really is ashamed and trying as hard as he can to change. I am still angry, hurt, disgusted and devastated. Self esteem and body image have never been my strong points. As I mentioned, being pregnant is not exactly making me feel very attractive. Everything I read assures the wife that it is not her fault. As a woman, I cannot help but think I'm ugly, fat and just downright repulsive. I will not undress in front of him and in a lot of ways I don't even want him to touch me. My biggest dilemma right now is wondering if there really is hope that I will EVER want to be intimate with him again. How can I get past feeling like every time he touches or kisses me that he's secretly comparing me to the young, sexy, perky and attractive women that he's been viewing all along? 😢