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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 2:59:19 GMT -7
Right now I feel so broken in two, and didn't know where else to go this morning. I haven't eaten much or slept much in a few days. I tried to call 3 prayer lines today. On one the guy didn't want to talk to me or even know what I needed prayer about. He said he had other calls waiting and just gave me a 2 second prayer and kicked me off even though I called crying too. The next one didn't even seem like a prayer line, it was CTN's prayer line and I started to talk through my tears about how I didnt want to live in a world with pornography anymore and she said something so mean and hateful (I am not exaggerating anything) "If you're going to cry I cant help you." I said I cant help it and tried to say it again and she said, "Thats it, I cant understand you if youre just going to cry". So I could barely speak and I said really quietly "nevermind." She goes"THANK YOU" and hung up. And the next one I was on hold so long I gave up.
Basically I am feeling so very vulnerable. I'm so tired of living in a world with pornography. I don't want to be here anymore. It' not going to go away. EVER. It's in your face everywhere. And people reward the the thing that wants to kill them by going back to it. Its crazy. I am so alone and without a husband now. Never knew him anyway it seems. He has chosen porn and deviance over my love and our family. I asked him to go into an inpatient treatment or we were headed for divorce. It's been almost 20 years of counselors, deliverance, workbooks and churches.
This time he said, "No, that if God wanted him in a treatment place God would tell him and he hasn't." I said, "God wants you to get help wherever you can get it."
We are separated now for many months and he's gotten worse. Losing us was not his rock bottom.
What is??
Is there one?
Why wasn't I a loss?
Why wasn't I worth fighting for?
I've had a life dumped on me that I never asked for.
My goal was to be the best wife and mom I could be.
It really was supposed to be sexual, silly fun, beautiful: all of it and it was taken for granted and discarded for satans rubbish!
It was traded for fake pretend sex from trafficked, abused, broken, drugged up people, who don't even like what they"re faking!
I am now stuck waking up at 2 am. to leave my precious daughter alone at night because the only job I can get after investing in my husband and family for so long is a very hard paper route.
The stuff is so heavy and its so far away and it takes so long and its 7 days a week in the middle of the night.
After gas I only make about $150.00!
I can not believe he has done this to us.
That I am even in this situation.
I was a great wife: I mean that.
I really was with massages, gourmet meals including dessert nightly, fantasy sex, and spotless house.
It was such an enormous priority to me. But he still chose to engage in a secret life, with all the lies to his counselor, me , church, ect. about how he was just working on being healthier. He would alwways blow me off when I want to text or talk.
Today he says, "We both need to work on getting healthy," yet it is actually him using addict wording once again and creating distance so he be free to view porn.
I just don't want to live in this world anymore..and I mean the world. Life.
Nobody will make it go away.
I cant even eat or sleep.
I just want to go home.
I hate pornography so much and am so angry and broken that people fall for it.
I am crying so much I can barely see.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Such an evil world and this stuff is more evil than anything.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 14:18:47 GMT -7
Whoa bentnotbroken, No Way. We may not always show it but there is a deep respect among all members here. I can feel you crying and I am so upset along with you - the blow you have been dealt with is so unfair. There are so many people who care for you, even people you haven't met; Particularly those on this forum - People who see your pain. I am so sorry that your marriage has got to this, but you are definitely not alone. I just want to make you realise that you are loved by God so much and by all the Christians on this forum, not to mention your friends and family. Your life is so valuable, you have so much to offer. Joy and Happiness are in the distance. I can tell you there are a lot of worried and very upset people on this forum right now, as we read your post. I know that help is never there, the second you need it, but hang on it will arrive, even all the physical help you may need as well.
I will pray for you: "Dear Lord I, and we as a forum, pray for bentnotbroken. She is a true warrior for you Lord, a Lady who has been relentlessly trying to get answers to help her in her marriage so that her family can be free of the detrimental effects of Addiction. Lord we pray against the sneaky tactics that Satan is using against her and we pray that you will now fill her mind with complete Peace. May she now be feeling so calm and tranquil, totally resting on your Lord. I pray that she will be able to eat and get physical sleep. I pray that her mind will be at rest. I pray for her precious daughter and for her health and protection; and I pray for a better solution for work for Sister BNB. I pray that she will not be ashamed to tell trusted others around her about her situation and I pray that she will be given practical human help from others as well - meals, finances etc. I pray for the things she may need to sort out in the future e.g. matters involving her marriage, family etc. We pray these things, asking you for total protection over Sister BNB and her family and may she start to see the good and smart person she really is and that she is really loved by God and other friends, Christians (Forum Christians) etc. Please Bless her now in Jesus precious name amen."
God Bless
Steve
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 22:47:10 GMT -7
I am wiping away tears reading your post bentnotbroken. I am guilty of putting my wife through similar circumstances and all I can do when I think of what I did is cry. I cannot put myself in your husband's shoes, but I can say that I am sorry. I am sorry that the snare that is pornography has devastated your family the way that it has. I will be asking The Lord to help you in your circumstances, and as Steve has said, there are many people here who though may be thousands of miles away, feel your pain and want to offer a shoulder to lean on.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 4:26:20 GMT -7
I am sending a big cyber hub hon and a bunch of prayers. And I ditto what Stev and BC said.
The hard thing for me was staying strong for my kids. I've really had to fight depression the past couple of years and I have to take meds for panic attacks which help insomnia. I've read many women of SA have to take meds to get through the trauma. You might want to contact your PCP and at least get help. I know I don't have insurance since my hubby lost his job and I have to use the Catholic Charity services to get help for my pain issues and such. I also ended up seeing a Psychiatrist too. I still have nightmares and I had another one last night. Thanks a lot hubby!
And those so called prayer lines are a joke. Even Jesus said we are to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.
I did everything you did and my H still chose porn. We're still separated in the home.
I think you are mourning for what should've been and that's normal to let yourself cry.
The best thing I did was find a women to talk to whenever I need who has been through this. She listens and gives me great advice. It took me 9 years to find someone. Her marriage didn't make it either. He got worse when he left.
She told me I have to decide if I want to live like this for the rest of my life.
I don't know if you'd be comfy talking on the phone, but I gave you my phone number a while back. You're welcome to call anytime! And I really mean that.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 7:19:01 GMT -7
Thank you all. steve , as usual, you are the one [and often kevin] who touch my heart with your words.
And bravocharlie,Oh how I long for my husband to weep as you do so freely with a broken and contrite heart and really know their own soul on this stuff .You will be healed and free because of that heart. Know that.
And preschooler mom, maybe I will call.
I am so lost and so astounded that someone would choose this over a woman who used to model and , works out, runs and jumps on him when he gets in the door from work[literally,i would jump on him ,he would catch me and I would kiss him hello]. would sit on his lap in the mornings and have coffee or we just sit outside and talk. loved to cook and did it always with dessert included. took care of myself, even to the extent of plastic surgery..[mostly for him].was spontaneous and free as far as lovemaking went.Why was it all taken for granted so ?? Im just so tired of this stuff in the world.
It kills everything. children, trafficked women.husband and wife coming together more in love after a hard talk instead of escaping ,kills time which is so precious anyway, kills childlike freedom in public, kills discovery with each other in bed and thus the best s... ever. kills silliness and laughter,kills rendevouz in parks, or or where ever you happen to be including long distance road trips with someone who actually loves you. it kills self esteem, silly intimate things only you two can share, kills any intimacy with God or spiritual growth no matter how much you lie to yourself about that one. And it eventually kills you and all that God meant for you.
And people just keep rewarding the thing that wants to kill them, instead of spending that time writing letters of love and growth, knocking on your familys door and fighting for them like a warrior , a champion,Not ALLOWING it to take your family. seizing back your family. writing lists on how to make up for and show real love. Taking a wife out to dinner or that date that never seemed like a priority before. doing therapy 100% ,growing large and strong.just LOVE!love.
I actually wrote this same thing to my separated husband and got nothing, absolutely nothingI just don't want to be in a world with it anymore. all it does is hurt people. nothing else. absolutely nothing else.And all the blindness and hardening it does.Who wants to be on their death bed saying "hey..but I sure had alot of masturbation and saw a lot porn in my life". And who wants to confront jesus someday and say "y'know ,it was just more important than you were,sorry"
Just want to go home where it doesn't exist. Im tired guys.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 22, 2015 9:19:08 GMT -7
Lord,
Give comfort to our sister, BNB. She's going through such a difficult time now. Please provide for her needs, and give her strength to make it through each day. We pray against any depressive thoughts in the name of Jesus'. I pray that you bless her with many friends that she can turn to. And I also pray that you help her to meet all of her financial obligations. Build up her faith, and help her to lean on You and You only. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.
BNB,
There is power in prayer. Keep leaning on Jesus daily. Your experience clearly shows us that who we bring our requests to, makes a big difference. I, personally, have at least a dozen phone buddies I can reliably go to for one-on-one prayer. And I've built that list over trial and error throughout this year. Because not every man out there makes a good phone buddy. Some of them are friends from my church. Others are actually friends from Blazing Grace. And don't underestimate the power of the Prayer Requests thread. I've had many huge prayer requests answered because of the strong prayers of my friends here. My point is that we care about each other here. And I would encourage everyone to take advantage of that resource. I understand that more than one woman on Blazing Grace has provided you her phone number. If I were you, I would require myself to call each one of them at least on a weekly basis to check in and to pray. That's not easy for thing for us to do, but we do it, even if we don't feel like we need it. I know a lot of people that have been or are in your same situation. I know that it's tough, but please know that you really aren't alone.
Your brother in Christ,
KK
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 11:19:14 GMT -7
BNB,
I wasn't feeling the best today and I was in a lot of pain (my fibromyalgia was bad.) I hope I didn't come across the wrong way. I'm feeling better now. I was having a hard time putting my words in print.
I think you're a kind-hearted and good person. And he doesn't deserve you anymore.
It does boggle my mind that PAs or SAs reject such good wives! So many of us look good, take care of ourselves and our families only to get stabbed in the back. I'm a natural blond who didn't gain much weight after giving birth to three children in five years. And here he found more comfort in something that wasn't real.
I remember the first thought that came to mind was how much I helped him start businesses when his OWN family didn't encourage him. Then when my daughter started having issues of her own, I knew it was wrong to have stayed with him b/c I think she didn't want to burden me with her problems so she held them in.
These days, I feel so drained and empty, but I'm starting to feel like my old self.
I am so glad you have stayed with us here at BG over these past months. I pray you are able to heal each day although I know it takes a long time to come to terms with the betrayal.
How old are your children again? Mine are girl 18, boy 15 and my youngest will be 13 tomorrow.
Hugs!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 11:56:06 GMT -7
What can we do for you? There are people here praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 12:30:20 GMT -7
BNB, I agree - there are a lot of people praying for you at the moment.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 14:21:24 GMT -7
Thank you all so much. I agree .alot of power in prayer. Just pray for true real peace, wisdom, a miracle that can be a true testimony to the power of God. Joy, and a good job. The miracle for my husbands eyes to "really see".He thinks he is seeing but is so very lost .you know,,the addicts way of believing when they trivialize and minimize for so long.And for his heart that has been hardened most of his life to finally be broken enough for God to work and do what he do only when a heart is right. Much more, but Ill think of it.
And hs3' ofcoursre you sounded your sweet self. didn't sound bad at all. and yes I have your ph # and kevins wife. I should definitely call.and I too am amazed that people trade amazing wives who love them so for this junk. Even happened to Christie brinkley, halle berry and tia leone and many others. I will never understand the insanity of it.Any of it. But my therapist said If it starts to make sense to you , then theres something wrong with"YOU". It shouldn't make sense.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2015 22:00:18 GMT -7
Prayer amazes me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2015 4:55:06 GMT -7
I will def. pray for him too BNB.
I feel like BG IS my church, really. I can be my real self here, warts and all. And I won't be judged or criticized.
One thing I've learned is that healing comes in all shapes and sizes. Each one of us needs whatever time we need to heal. I think this type of betrayal never completely goes away. The anger isn't as bad for me as it used to be. Now, I just feel grief over what has been lost for my whole family.
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KevinesKay
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Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 23, 2015 4:58:54 GMT -7
By the way, BNB. You're post really allowed me to draw in a more deep inner hatred for P. The brutality and abuse that P produces should disgust all of us. It's truly abominable and detestable to God. How I failed to see it for what it is before. But thank you for clarifying it so well.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2015 8:12:30 GMT -7
God's Blessings to you and your family
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Dec 31, 2021 3:41:24 GMT -7
hello @bentnotbroken how are you doing? Is there any update? Anything you can share? I hope and pray you are healed.
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