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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2015 5:14:28 GMT -7
Hey guys, I have a question that you can all answer Im sure. Typical addict behavior is the gaslighting, the deflecting, projecting and blaming[not always blaming for the addiction itself ...just something, anything that is the spouses fault] and ofcourse so much incredible anger toward the other person. I have read over and over that is indeed intentional and not subconscious. My question is this.When an addict does this do they feel bad during or right after ,and do they have a reason[in their own head ofcourse] for such wounding behavior toward another? And is it part of denial in any way? Are they doing recovery even in its beginning stages if this is constantly present in their personality? Im asking because this is more traumatic to the spouse studies have shown than the sexual acting out by far. It can be debilitating and make you almost crazy,plus ptsd if you don't understand addictive behavior.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 6:01:13 GMT -7
nothing guys? boy, I hope this place doesnt die.
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 3, 2015 7:18:38 GMT -7
I know in my case, I was in so much pain, that I did not know or understand the pain I've caused. In those cases, I've been clearly in denial. And even when I was trying to stop via going to meetings, talking with my sponser, reading, etc., looking back, I still found that I was doing these same behaviors that you described above. Some of the gaslighting, deflecting, blaming, is intentional. My son does it primarily to avoid responsibility and consequences. However, the act becomes so habitual that we can actually believe (or at least minimize or rationalize) our own lies. We become more "self-righteous" than reality portrays. The Word of God says, There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.Proverbs 14:12 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.James 1:22-25One point of this passage addresses that it's possible for us to deceive our own selves. As an addict, I've remembered instances where I was seriously deceived. And I justified my anger, my blaming, my minimizing. I was not in the same world as others around me. Several times in the Old Testament, it refers to the nation of Israel where the people fell away from God. And everyone did what was "right in their own eyes". The problem was that what seemed right to them, was not right in God's eyes. They were horribly deceived. It took me a long time to recognize the destructiveness of my words and my actions. Your PA husband has been seriously deceived like all the rest of us PAs. Many things that he's doing may seem right in his eyes, but it's not right in God's eyes. And you can see that, but I don't think he can. Nor do I think he truly sees the pain that he's causing you. But that's not an excuse. We are responsible for our behaviors even if we're ignorant of the fact that what we are doing is wrong. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2015 22:41:08 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2015 2:47:30 GMT -7
My husband has done this by deflecting his behavior away from what I'm talking about by picking a fight with me so we don't discuss how I feel and nothing gets resolved. He's also been crabby b/c he's w/drawing from porn. Then, he gets hyper b/c he's working a temp job and work sometimes runs out.
The last time he did this, I walked away. That cut him off right there. I said, never mind and I don't care if our marriage makes it anymore. And I really mean that. I'm to the point that I don't care. One guy told my H that he's lucky I'm going to CR with him b/c most women at this point are filing for divorce.
If we don't have 100% support from our husband in recovery, the marriage will NEVER make it.
This is something I've tried to tell my husband for years.
He's also been told by another addict that he will be tempted for the rest of his life. When I heard that, it was sobering for both of us. Do I REALLY want this kind of marriage? IDK...the last decade has really stank. I don't want to be 52 and filing for divorce. I'd rather be alone now at 42 and happy.
I told him I have the right to decide if I want to live with an addict for the rest of my life. Being sober isn't enough. If there isn't emotional AND eventually physical intimacy that if fulfilling to YOU, the marriage will never make it.
I've learned these lessons the hard way.
For example, he gets so busy, he doesn't spend a lot of time alone with me even tho we're separated. He was supposed to spend a whole day with me last weekend and when I got out of the shower, he was grooming our Shi Tzu which took 2 hours and then he gave her a bath. So, our only "alone" time was me trying to walk through Walmart with lower back spasms. I had some pain issues last week. I feel better this week though.
I told him yesterday that I was really hurt last weekend and we were able to talk about it w/o getting into a fight.
Have you read the book, "The Five Love Languages?" My love language is quality time with no distractions like kids...etc. If he doesn't spend at least a half an hour with me at least most days of the week, I don't FEEL loved even tho he does love me.
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