For the wives and the men.

I stayed thinking I was doing the right thing and my oldest shared with me that she walked in on her dad watching porn. And then he borrowed her 3DS gamer and watched porn on that for a few minutes. She then clicked out of Netflix and he had a porn link on there. I was so stinking mad.

I have a friend who stayed with a porn addict for thirty years thinking she was doing the right thing and after she separated, the daughter told her mom that her dad touched her. And he's moved on with a friend of hers and is planning on getting remarried. He also wrote porn and their young son read it and is now a porn addict. The dot that was molested cuts herself and has been in the ER for trying to kill herself.

The children end up in the crosshairs of their addiction.

Our fighting spilled out over all the kids.

Bent,

I can't begin to explain your husband. I assure you, you and your daughter ARE worth fighting for. I hope you know and believe that. That he isn't/doesn't fight for you is on him, NOT you guys.

Now, having said that, I'd like to share more of my story. See, I avoided facing the truth for a long time too. In fact, I refused to even begin to look at things until two years ago last Feb when my wife decided she had had enough and spent an entire Sat evening unloading on me. She had been trying to talk to me for years, but I would always placate, ignore, etc. She would gain a bit of hope for a bit, things would be sort of ok (not really but I chose to believe that) for a bit, then she would try to talk to me again and I would do whatever it took to give her that spark of hope so she would quit confronting me again. And then we would get on that merry go round and go in the same old circles again and again.

Two years ago, my wife had enough and decided something had to change. I finally started paying attention...somewhat. I thought I was making fairly significant changes...but she didn't and still doesn't see it that way. I honestly don't know what to do to prove to her how serious I am. At this point, I don't think I can.

But back to me and why I acted the way I did. A couple months ago I started seeing a therapist with the goal of figuring out why I was basically incapable of emotional intimacy and serious relationship. Since starting to see the therapist, I have figured out a few things. I was the oldest of us children. My dad became an alcoholic around the time I turned 12 or 13, which meant I basically grew up without a Father. Dad was a working drunk. Never missed a day of work, but was drunk every night 30 min after he got home. He wasn't my dad when he was drunk. So, I grew up on my own. I didn't have another male role model. I learned to be self sufficient and independent. I made my own decisions.

Then, shortly after H.S. I married the woman of my dreams. That marriage lasted 10 months. I came home from work one night to find the proverbial "Dear John" letter on the counter. We were divorced three months later and a month after that she was remarried to the man that lived directly behind us. Needless to say, my world was shatter. At this time, no one in my family could even spell divorce, let alone know what it is like to go through one. I still had no friends or roll models, so again I learned to do things on my own. Only this time, I had serious scars and I suspect a strong lack of trust for women.

Fast forward about 10 years and I had joined the Air Force and moved away. There came a time when I decided being a workaholic wasn't fruitful and I needed to find more to life. So, I found me a woman in a lonely hearts mag and we started dating. I fell in love at that time, but I fell in love with an ideal, not with the woman I eventually married. As soon as we were married she got pregnant and we had my daughter less than a year from the wedding day. Then, she got pregnant with my son immediately after, lying to me about being on the pill. So, suddenly I found myself married with two little kids of my own to go along with the two she brought into the marriage. I wasn't even close to being ready for that. And to make things worse, I would later learn that my second wife was a habitual liar and had a personality disorder. That marriage lasted 9 years. I stuck it out as long as I could. Went to counseling etc. I really wanted to be there for the kids, but eventually got to the point where all we did was argue and fight. The relationship was very emotionally abussive...and I dished out my share of that abuse. I finally left because I didn't want my kids to know me that way and leaving was the only recourse I had left. After I left, the ex did everything in her power to turn my kids against me. She was quite successful. There were many years where I didn't have access or a relationship with my children. Today it is a bit better, but not much.

Now, during all this time, there was porn in my life. I got involved with porn the first time when I was in H.S. I didn't know there was anything wrong with it and from time to time pursued it. I don't remember using porn at all in the first marriage, but after that marriage I'm sure I did. Hell, it was the only female companionship I had. Sick as that sounds, it is true. I did use porn during the second marriage. No excuses. I did and I'm sure that didn't help things.

Once out of the second marriage I decided to get my act together. Thought I had done so after a couple years of being single and met my current wife. I was using porn some during my single years and even while the wife and I dated. But, I didn't after we married, at least for awhile. Somewhere along the way I tried to introduce my current wife to porn. She went along for a short time, but then let me know it wasn't for her.

I suppose it was also about this time that I was in a serious court battle regarding my kids. I wanted custody or to have them put into a foster home and away from their mother. I failed in that effort. That failure really sent me into a tailspin. I got into an online game and became seriously addicted to that game for a couple years. It was my fantasy. In that game, I could be the hero. I was in control. I was in charge. I was successful.

In the meantime, my current marriage started to spiral out of control. I started to put all the responsibility for the spiral on my wife and away from me. That went on for several years. Somewhere along that time, I dove back into porn. I didn't use it to replace my sex life with my wife, but rather, in my mind, to enhance it. Silly I know, but that was my rational.

So, now we are here today. I finally got the courage to look up sexual immorality a couple months ago. Quite an eye opener. Since then, I've sworn off porn and all other kinds of sexual immorality. I have started going to Church and for the first time in my life have a real relationship with God. I'm also involved in the local SAA group.

But the damage is already done. Even though I would love to save my marriage, my wife can't see that now. I actually almost understand. She needs time to heal, time to rediscover who she is, time to pass. So, next month she will be moving into her own place and I truly do not know how this story will end. All I know for sure is that I will continue on the path I am on and grow in Christ.

So why do I tell you all this? I have no idea. I'm not trying to defend your husband. I'm not trying to defend myself. I share because I feel the need to do so. I hope that somehow you find this helpful.

I will close by saying one more time, you ARE NOT at fault and you and your daughter ARE worth fighting for. I hope you fight for both of you, even if your husband will not.