Psalm23 Accountabilty Page

Psalm23,

Thank you for introducing yourself here.  I hope we can learn more about you.  Please consider making BG more a part of your life. 

Congratulations on achieving 6 months.  What a great gift!  Praise the Lord!

KK

Psalm23,

Hi. I was hoping to hear back from you, but so far, you haven't responded to my posts. Nor have you responded to my PM's. I may have a boundary to limit my communication with the women on this forum, but it does not limit me from communicating to their husbands.

You have such a great opportunity to fix your life and your marriage here. However, if my recovery here consisted of one single post on BG with little or no evidence of growth in my life, my wife would not have any of it.

My wife said to me that if I wasn't doing what I'm doing now to improve myself, she would leave and take the kids with her. But as long as I'm trying, she feels compelled to stay. Is she serious? I honestly don't want to give any reason to find out. But I wouldn't blame her for feeling that way. And right now, your wife is being faced with the hard decision to separate from you, unless you can show her that you're serious about your recovery. And I would not blame her. If she chooses to separate herself from you, I would fully support that decision.

Because, with all honesty, you and I both know how hard it is to lick this. It's so hard that many men fail. It's true that the odds are not in our favor. And your wife is seeing that. And she's uncertain about whether it's feasable for her live with an unrecovering PA for the rest of her life.

I blew up one marriage already. My first marriage didn't have a chance.

I was trying to stop, and I was going to meetings, but my first marriage didn't have a chance.

She threatened divorce, but my first marriage didn't have a chance.


I actually abruptly moved out of our apartment. And when she came home, I was gone. I left her a “Dear Jane” message on the answering machine. Do you know how I justified myself leaving? I said to my friends,

“I'm resentful of my marriage to my wife. More specifically, I'm resentful of the intimacy and emotional closeness that the marriage demanded.”

Wow. It pains me to see that I thought and said some messed up stuff. But that's how bad I was. My first marriage really didn't have a chance.

It didn't have a chance because I was caught into my own reference frame. To me, I was living by the Golden Rule. If it's good for me, then it must be good for you. But in this case the golden rule did not apply. Let me share the “magic” lady that I was expecting my wife to be.

Always nice – never in a bad mood 
Likes sex simply for the physical pleasure and orgasm 
Is always in the mood for sex 
Doesn't want romance 
Doesn't mind in I'm home late every day 
Doesn't mind if I'm late period 
Is always physically attractive 
Has no defects of character 
Never argues 
Never complains 
Never trys or desires to change me 
Only talks when I want her to 
Says only things that make me feel good 
Doesn't say or do anything that makes me feel bad 
Always grateful and satisfied of her relationship with me 
Always feels “in love” with me 
Always agrees with me 
Makes decisions efficiently without changing her mind
Is open to having multiple sexual partners in the relationship

You know what this sounds like? Pornography. It also sounds like many of the traits that men share. I've found myself developing these traits for myself thinking that it would help me get a great wife. What a scam! And this is what I was expecting my wife to be like. All because I was caught up into my own frame of reference without excepting that she feels completely different.


It wasnt' until my 30's when I surrendered this “magic” image to God, and was truly open to what women really want. And this is what I discovered what a real woman is:


Takes pleasure in emotional experiences 
Strongly desires consisent romantic experiences 
Has a strong desire to communicate feelings with me and will feel unloved if I fail to meet that desire 
Has a strong desire for security 
Highly values honesty and loyalty in a relationship 
Can enjoy sex for the physical sensation, but prefers sex more for the emotional experience 
Will feel used if she has sex out of obligation 
Not always in the mood for sex
Has bad moods as well as good ones 
Feels that spending time with me is important
Will feel unloved if I'm away for a significant amount of time 
Feels good and loved if I demonstrate that she is consistently on my mind
Feels unloved if I forget about her
Has character defects as well as character assets
Will say or do things that make me feel bad as well as good
Won't always feel “in love” with me 
Will not always agree with me 
Feels that family and children are important
Feels that monogamy is essential 
Changes her mind, sometimes while in the middle of acting on a decision 
Desires to be loved and accepted for who she is emotionally, intellectually, and spritually, not just for what she does or is physically


I had to come to the terms that women don't like sex. I'm sorry, but they don't. What they like is the love that comes with sex. Sex without love is not really sex to a woman. In fact, sex without love is downright painful. Women love love.

To the same extent that you're feeling sexual frustration in your marriage, she's feeling frustrated about the lack of love that she's experiencing from you. Because love is what makes her feel good. So what if you obtain 6 months of sobriety. It wouldn't matter if you have 6 years or 6 days.

If she's not getting love from you, the marriage is not worth it to her.


My first wife so desparately wanted me to demonstrate to her that I loved her more than I loved sex. But I did a poor job of doing that. Having s*x and experiencing an O gives me a physical high that is 10 times better than anything I've ever felt. And I was still looking to my marriage with my first wife as a means to gratify my insatiable s*xual desires. To me, that was the only incentive for being married.  And I felt it was my God-given right and need.  I was still caught up in my own fantasy. My first marriage really didn't have a chance.


And I had hopes to change that with my marriage to wiltingiris, but even then, I still fell short with that, even after learning what I shared above. But this year, do you know what my wife said to me? She said, “For the first time in our marriage, I feel like we are one.”

Wow. And that could be you, Psalm23. You could actually experience that from your wife too. She has every desire to say that to you and truly mean it. But not without effort. If you can't demonstrate to your wife that you love her more than you love sex, more than you love porn, than regardless of if she stays or goes, you will always be at odds with her. So please consider what I'm saying. I truly have your best interest at heart. And consider PM-ing me your phone number, and I'll share mine. And I'll call you. And we'll get through this together. I've wanted to meet you for some time now, and I hope you'll give me the chance. Thank you.

KK

"You have such a great opportunity to fix your life and your marriage here. However, if my recovery here consisted of one single post on BG with little or no evidence of growth in my life, my wife would not have any of it."

Well. My boundaries are different. As long as he attends a CR meetting once a week, that's a good start.

Last night, I wrote down a few more and I want to either read articles together each night or a book and then pray together, so we did that.

The temp agency he works for is going to run out of work w/ the co he's working for. They had a 2 1/2 year job lined up which got scrapped b/c of a sinkhole of all things!

So, his puter time the last couple of weeks has been to put in as many apps as he can before they run out of work. They already let the entire temp agency go except him.

We are still waiting on our tax returns too.

DELETED

Well, I'm glad that you're both starting to put a little bit more action into this. I'm sorry I'm came on a little hard. It's just difficult to see a sister of the faith go through such pain. And I know how much it helps to have both the husband and wife working to grow closer in the Lord together.


That's great that you two are starting to pray and do a reading together. Couples that pray together, stay together. In fact, only about 2% of praying couples divorce. So I make praying with my wife one of my To-Do list activities.


I have to admit that I've been pretty sporadic getting that going. Last week, for instance, I missed it on 3 occasions. How's it going with you? Are you able to keep it consistent? What's been working for you? Thanks


KK

Hey Psalm23, I heard you were going to start posting here a bit. That's great. We could always use more members here. I think I PMed you my phone number. I'm always looking for more phone buddies. Would like to know if you'll consider being one of them.