Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 4:55:15 GMT -7
The short message here is that I need your prayers.
I am not sure if I am under satanic attack or a bout of depression or some of each. I feel like I should be reveling in the Triumphal entry of Christ on a Palm Sunday but instead feel more like I am facing the cup of wrath in the Garden of Gethsemane. Furthermore, I am not convinced if this email is just venting or pertinent to the prayer request but I assume its some of both.
Things were fine through yesterday morning when I was sitting in the living room cleaning computer files and deleting photos from my Dropbox account of old property management photos. Dropbox sent a note that I had been give two years of free service and now I needed to get down to a lower storage level or they would delete random photos or I could pay for the larger file size. As I was part way through this effort my wife came home from the fitness club and from some shopping. I had no idea where she went or when she'd be back. She only had a couple bags of groceries and by the time I asked if she needed help she had finished bringing them in (two trips). Then she proceeded to make a late breakfast. I continued to clean my computer files and had just a little bit more to do so I was going to finish it.
Well, five minutes later as she dished up the food she didn't include a plate for me. I asked why and what was going on and a lot of pent up anger came out. She was upset I didn't offer to help (I didn't even know what she was planning or doing). As I explained that I didn't know what she was doing or planning the conversation escalated into an argument. I was accused of being inattentive to her, preoccupied with my Tuesday group and Blazing Grace Forum, not earning enough money and needing to either change jobs to a better paying one or take on an extra job (I am not providing and protecting). I explained I am exhausted now and can't see how to add more hours or work. I start driving bus at 6:30am and go until 5:00pm with a 2.5 hour break in the middle for which I come home, clean/arrange the kitchen, take out trash, walk the dog, check on her mom, try to respond to some Blazing Grace emails, and try to nap for 15-30 minutes. If I don't nap I get pretty dozy at the end of my route and my eyes start to close (not good on a bus). Apparently, I should be starting supper, shopping for groceries, and doing other household chores too. It seems I don't do anything correctly and any defense I raise is quickly rejected or ignored. I have a tendency to retreat then to my man cave under withering criticism like this, and I did. Enough said, I think you get the point. We both have some blame and things we can do better.
If I may attempt to summarize our relationship I know that I did a lot to mess things up with my former porn use and loosing my job on February 2, 2012. I have worked hard and prayed much for God to change that and he has. I feel a calling from God to help other men caught in the same bonds of sin. What I have learned and try to share with other men is that the porn is just a symptom of something deeper going on in their lives - a lack of closeness with God. All men need to get and stay closer to God than what our culture tells us. We can stop using porn or stop any sin, and there are lots of secular programs, counseling, therapies, that help us but if we are only stopping sin and not walking towards and closer to God then we are most likely to fall back into our sin eventually.
This is one of the conundrums I feel caught in - either give up the groups and give more time to my wife. The other conundrum is the job issue. I have had enough difficulty and guilt dealing with the loss of a career and income from six figures down to somewhere around $20,000/year that trying to find something that pays enough and is satisfying enough is difficult. With my bus driving we are able to -meet our immediate monthly obligations. What is missing is the ability to pay for needed projects like replacing windows in the house that are deteriorating badly, carpet that is worn, a cabin roof that is leaking, etc. My wife's job has become increasingly stressful lately and I know she would like to cut back on hours or change to some other position that probably pays less but with our situation she feels she can't, thus more pressure on me to do something.
I have learned in the past 2-3 years to live contentedly in plenty or in want. Through God I have discovered how to quit worrying and be content in our situation and trust that He will work it out, but the pressure has now been escalated to where I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and worry like I haven't had for some time. I believe my wife has never forgiven me for the years of porn use and additionally she never forgave her father who was very cold, demanding, emotionally abusive, and psychologically affected.
We have never done counseling together since the porn confession in 2012. I suspect we need to do this despite the time requirements and constraints. I have been through my own counseling and have come to deepen my non-existent or low faith in God so that now he is everything to me.
In summary I ask for prayer, for discernment, for wisdom, and for God's comfort and protection against these attacks from Satan for myself and for my wife.
Thanks for listening - I do feel better having vented now but I know the issues remain and our roller-coaster relationship will continue its ups and downs until something changes. Please feel free to write back - it will help to know God is in action through you.
Nikanor
I am not sure if I am under satanic attack or a bout of depression or some of each. I feel like I should be reveling in the Triumphal entry of Christ on a Palm Sunday but instead feel more like I am facing the cup of wrath in the Garden of Gethsemane. Furthermore, I am not convinced if this email is just venting or pertinent to the prayer request but I assume its some of both.
Things were fine through yesterday morning when I was sitting in the living room cleaning computer files and deleting photos from my Dropbox account of old property management photos. Dropbox sent a note that I had been give two years of free service and now I needed to get down to a lower storage level or they would delete random photos or I could pay for the larger file size. As I was part way through this effort my wife came home from the fitness club and from some shopping. I had no idea where she went or when she'd be back. She only had a couple bags of groceries and by the time I asked if she needed help she had finished bringing them in (two trips). Then she proceeded to make a late breakfast. I continued to clean my computer files and had just a little bit more to do so I was going to finish it.
Well, five minutes later as she dished up the food she didn't include a plate for me. I asked why and what was going on and a lot of pent up anger came out. She was upset I didn't offer to help (I didn't even know what she was planning or doing). As I explained that I didn't know what she was doing or planning the conversation escalated into an argument. I was accused of being inattentive to her, preoccupied with my Tuesday group and Blazing Grace Forum, not earning enough money and needing to either change jobs to a better paying one or take on an extra job (I am not providing and protecting). I explained I am exhausted now and can't see how to add more hours or work. I start driving bus at 6:30am and go until 5:00pm with a 2.5 hour break in the middle for which I come home, clean/arrange the kitchen, take out trash, walk the dog, check on her mom, try to respond to some Blazing Grace emails, and try to nap for 15-30 minutes. If I don't nap I get pretty dozy at the end of my route and my eyes start to close (not good on a bus). Apparently, I should be starting supper, shopping for groceries, and doing other household chores too. It seems I don't do anything correctly and any defense I raise is quickly rejected or ignored. I have a tendency to retreat then to my man cave under withering criticism like this, and I did. Enough said, I think you get the point. We both have some blame and things we can do better.
If I may attempt to summarize our relationship I know that I did a lot to mess things up with my former porn use and loosing my job on February 2, 2012. I have worked hard and prayed much for God to change that and he has. I feel a calling from God to help other men caught in the same bonds of sin. What I have learned and try to share with other men is that the porn is just a symptom of something deeper going on in their lives - a lack of closeness with God. All men need to get and stay closer to God than what our culture tells us. We can stop using porn or stop any sin, and there are lots of secular programs, counseling, therapies, that help us but if we are only stopping sin and not walking towards and closer to God then we are most likely to fall back into our sin eventually.
This is one of the conundrums I feel caught in - either give up the groups and give more time to my wife. The other conundrum is the job issue. I have had enough difficulty and guilt dealing with the loss of a career and income from six figures down to somewhere around $20,000/year that trying to find something that pays enough and is satisfying enough is difficult. With my bus driving we are able to -meet our immediate monthly obligations. What is missing is the ability to pay for needed projects like replacing windows in the house that are deteriorating badly, carpet that is worn, a cabin roof that is leaking, etc. My wife's job has become increasingly stressful lately and I know she would like to cut back on hours or change to some other position that probably pays less but with our situation she feels she can't, thus more pressure on me to do something.
I have learned in the past 2-3 years to live contentedly in plenty or in want. Through God I have discovered how to quit worrying and be content in our situation and trust that He will work it out, but the pressure has now been escalated to where I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and worry like I haven't had for some time. I believe my wife has never forgiven me for the years of porn use and additionally she never forgave her father who was very cold, demanding, emotionally abusive, and psychologically affected.
We have never done counseling together since the porn confession in 2012. I suspect we need to do this despite the time requirements and constraints. I have been through my own counseling and have come to deepen my non-existent or low faith in God so that now he is everything to me.
In summary I ask for prayer, for discernment, for wisdom, and for God's comfort and protection against these attacks from Satan for myself and for my wife.
Thanks for listening - I do feel better having vented now but I know the issues remain and our roller-coaster relationship will continue its ups and downs until something changes. Please feel free to write back - it will help to know God is in action through you.
Nikanor
