question for wives whove dealt with this for many years

Welcome to BG! And I'm giving you a big cyber hug, hon. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk off the blog. I'm here for ya. I was the opposite and I wished I could have cried. I held it in. I do now let myself cry and I cried when we met his new sponsor on Thursday. It was a relief however, I felt exhausted on Friday.

I'm am so sorry for the pain you've suffered and personally, I agree with the separation. I am also separated from my H in my home. But he knows that if he does porn once more, I'm filing for divorce.

It doesn't sound like he's changing. I know I have wasted 8 years waiting for my H to change and he had relapse after relapse. He ruined so many holidays. Last year, he ruined the 6 months he had off when he was wrongfully terminated. He then tells me when my oldest was in the psych ward that he was using his Iphone for porn. It was only used to internet access, (not as a cell phone) but of course I believed him when he said it was for listening to the Bible and an alarm at work. Even though he was fired, I was excited that we would have a few months on UE so we could do stuff together. And here we end up separated. Thanks a bunch.

Then he grabbed a phone and did porn again. My two kids told me "dad has a phone again." So I asked him and he lied to my face. So, we took that away and then the last straw was when he looked up Youtube in our bed, and I woke up to him watching porn on our TV and that wasn't the first time I've caught him in bed. This was two days before my 42nd birthday. As you can see, I joined on Sept 18th and my birthday is the 20th. The first time I caught him was at Christmas in 2006. I remember asking him one time on Thanksgiving if he was doing porn again b/c he was hyper.


So, long story short, he's sleeping in a different bedroom. It's been six months now.

I had health problems for a long time, but now I'm at a place to where I could teach piano and earn money. I've had to quit for now b/c I kept getting sinus infections. But, I felt I had to stay for the kids and I was kinda trapped b/c I didn't have a way to support myself.

My mom and sister live with us and we pool our resources. I watch my bedridden sister while she works. And it's nice b/c we are rebuilding our relationship after she left an abusive cheater who married a woman who is 40 years younger than him. That in and of itself is a good reason to leave a cheater. He was so mean to my mom. He even had his new lover write the alimony checks so my mom could see he had already moved on and the divorce wasn't even final.

But, I'm at the point where you are. And I said to his sponsor that I want the choice as to whether or not I stay. We're going to Celebrate Recovery, but I'm not making any promises at this point b/c I'm tired of his lies. And I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will face this temptation for the rest of his life. And that's exactly what his sponsor said Thursday, he will be tempted, but he CAN overcome the temptation if he truly wants to change. He told my H that he's blessed b/c I'm willing to try the meetings. Most women at this point are filing for separation or divorce and they've washed their hands of him.

I don't want to wake up one day, and he went back to porn after 10 years of sobriety. I'd be 52 and getting divorced.

I hope sharing my story has helped and I think you did the right thing by separating. I mean, lying to your face and saying he's at work when he's really at the library reading porn. I can't imagine the shock on his face when you walked in there. And good job confronting him. That takes guts. I've seen my husband cry and say he doesn't want to lose me and then turn around and do porn. It's actions that speak louder than words.

Right now, I told my H that IF, I stay, he has to go to a meeting once a week and have a sponsor for the rest of our lives.

Oh, and my H was sexually abused once by his mother. But, that's no excuse for his porn. I mean, it does give me some insight as to why he suffered this way. But, I gave him 8 YEARS to get it together.

BTW, there are many articles on BG that Mike Genung wrote specifically to the wives of SA.

They are well worth the read.

I know I read here often for four years before I posted. I knew after reading the articles that I wasn't crazy for the way I was feeling.

Thank you all so much. Just having feedback is so healing. like a warm hug. So so grateful. I think I possibly could've stayed if He would be honest but in 16 years he has to be continually caught. Those of you that have confessing husbands or they go to you when they are tempted are more blessed than you can imagine. Atleast you are valued that much. The lies are so incredibly damaging to the human soul. but why wouldn't they be, they personify satan.the father of lies. The lies keep it dark and secret and seedy and protected and ....hopeless. so very sad right now. My husband is in therapy once a week with an incredible expert in SA ,the man wrote 3 books on it. My husband also goes to an SA support group once a week too . Plus church everyweek. But it is just fake or something. because he isn't even living in the home anymore but pretends to go to work, dresses for it and everything and goes elsewhere to look at porn instead. Almost seems insane. Maybe the men can enlighten me on this craziness. Im just baffled.And  yes I agree, my fear too is that this is something that will be a shadow in my life always. relapses? heck there has never been a long enough period to even call it a relapse. so sad for my daughter. shes beautiful and innocent and sunshine and  she deserves better!!!!!!! why weren't we worth fighting for?? My husband was also one of those that they said how blessed he was that I was still here and had forgiven so much. most wives are long gone.   Guess I am too finally now, so hard to make heads or tails out of it though. And so very hard to pick up the pieces right now. just devasted. This forum is a gift from God though. This I know.crying so hard right now

I've told so many lies to cover up my behavior.  I didn't want to face the consequences.  And pleasing my family, my wife, or my God didn't give me the motivation to stop.  It felt too good.  And to surrender my priviledge to feel the way I did has been the most painful thing that I've ever done.

How painful? Well, several years ago, we lost our baby daughter Rachel, to a stillbirth.  That was painful, and my wife has suffered a lot of grief because of it.  People can only imagine the pain that one goes through when they lose a child.

But I tell you the truth.  Surrendering my priviledge to have "sex" has been at least 3 times more painful than dealing with my daughter's death.  And when I say "sex", I don't mean that intimate, emotional bond that husband/wife share when their doing it.  I mean the raw physical, visual, orgy like "sex" that pornography portrays with no emotion.  For most of my life, it was the only important thing to me.  This "sex" was love to me.  I could not feel love any other way.  So one can see how messed up I am. 

But through the help of God, I do it.  I surrender my priviledge to have "sex".  I surrender my priviledge to be loved.  I surrender my priviledge to feel good. 

Now, Lord, what do you want me to do with my life?  When Jesus said, "He that saves his life will lose it, and he that loses his life for my sake will save it."  For me, it's one thing to hear and read those words, but I feel like I personally have experienced them firsthand.  As Jesus has done for me, I'm called to love my Lord, my wife, and others more than I love pleasure.  And there are times when it felt like committing a spirtual and emotional suicide. 

Imagine what it would be like to lose your priviledge to eat, or to have a baby, or to fall in love, or to get married, or to see, or to hear, or to walk, or to have one or more of your arms. 

There was a time when I would have surrendered all those things previously mentioned before surrendering my priviledge to have "sex". 

But much of life is about learning to surrender to God, those things which we hold on to the hardest.  And I can only do it by demonstrating to God, myself, and others that I'm abiding in Jesus.  And without that, it would be impossible for me. 

I hope this answer makes sense as to why I wasted so many years lying and acting out.  And I hope that I'm doing everything I can to cherish what God has given me (despite my wrongdoings) and to take the opportunity to make amends to the ones I've hurt.  Thank you.

KK

BNB,

I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting for women. Can you find one in your area? It felt so good to hear other women be honest about what they struggle with in life. Many of them are addicts themselves or they are married to one.

I felt so light hearted after I left. Yesterday was the steps meeting where we are working on four books. Tonight is the support group meetings and we'd like to go to that too, if we're not too tired.

CR is a nationwide ministry that was started by Rick Warren's church to reach out to people who are hurting from the past. I think it's great. Going to church and seeing all the smiling faces made me sick to my stomach. Where is the REAL people who are honest about what they are going through?

How are you doing?

Bentnotbroken,
I see your last post here was April 2nd.   I had to step back a while to give my wife some of my attention and time so I didn't see this until now (April 14th).  I wish with all my heart your husband would do the same for you.  I spent a lot of time and resources fixing my heart and addiction and kinda sorta left my wife to fend for herself.  Well, that doesn't work.  I owe her my time and attention so I have to spend it fairly and equally among competing needs but her's takes priority.  
When is it too late you ask?   To God, it is never too late.  To us mere mortals tomorrow may never be soon enough for answers and contrition.   For me, I can't say as I simply cannot and should not judge anyone especially from a distance or via internet only.    If his heart is hardened and when looked in the eye he will not change then God alone can deal with him and the relationship.  There are lots of ifs from a distance particularly when I haven't met either of you.  However, that doesn't mean you are off track - it is a valid question.  If his heart is changing he should be willing and wanting to show evidences of trust and love.  In fact he must - he, and all of us once addicted men, can't just mouth the words.  Anyone ever wronged wants evidence or proof of change from those who have wronged us in whatever manner.  
I think he needs to be confronted and given the layout of events to come if he does not sincerely repent to you and show these evidences.  He owes that to you, he needs to be transparent and open in all his actions and pursuits.  At the same time you need to be patient as no one knows what God has planned or how He plans to act.   Jesus said that we need to forgive 70 x 7.  We need to have the patience as Jesus did because if He didn't then we would all be doomed and this world might have ended back in the days of Noah and the flood.   "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."  
We will stand by you however we can.  This is incredibly difficult for you but also for him but the burden is more on him right now.
Peace and blessings to you.
Nikanor,