hi, I am Nancy57 | Blazing Grace

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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 10, 2015 1:33:11 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2015 1:33:11 GMT -7

Warning!! Could Trigger Thoughts!!!

Hi...I'm 57 yrs of age and God blessed me with a wonderful man 1 1/2 yrs ago...I had been in a relationship for 21 yrs before my partner died in '09 & I truly wasn't looking for love but in Nov of 2013 I answered my bf on a dating site and from Nov 19th 2013 until now we've spent all but 5 days together..we are so truly compatible its scary...we talk for hrs bout everything, including his addiction to porn...yes he admits he's addicted but he isn't using it as much as he did in the beginning of our relationship...little background on him...he was married when he was young to his best friends girlfriend (he broke the bro code)...the marriage ended in divorce and he met another woman he was with for 9 yrs... He never moved in or married her because he was worried she would lose everything (she was on disability due to several illnesses)...sexually she was very repressed, consenting to oral sex only if he put saran wrap over her vagina ....she would give him oral but he always had to finish himself...this is when his addiction really bloomed...he was honest with me bout watching porn every night in order to cum for the entire 9 yrs they were together...she passed away 6 months before we met & as repressed as she was I'm the complete opposite...there is nothing I'm not willing to try and he knows it...unfortunately he still uses porn but not as often but it still hurts cause i feel like I'm not enough to satisfy him...he tells me I more then satisfy him but sometimes he just wants to get off fast..there's been times where I've literally been lying next to him and he'll be reading/watching porn instead of having sex with me...he's read porn before having sex with me and that rips my heart out...I've told him how I feel and he is trying but he still uses the porn...I've begged him to talk to someone because I truly feel a lot of his problems are connected to his late gf...if he tried talking bout his fantasies she called him a freak...he enjoys sniffing my panties which doesn't bother me but she called him disgusting...he like having his butt played with...again no problem for me but she called dirty & disgusting...I guess my question is...is there hope for him and us? We truly love each other and know our future is together...unfortunately the porn is kinda between us and I'm scared that if we don't get a handle on it now it'll only get worse...he has admitted he is an addict..any help would be greatly appreciated...thanks in advance...nancy

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KevinesKay
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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 10, 2015 3:41:36 GMT -7

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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 10, 2015 3:41:36 GMT -7

Hi Nancy,

It's nice to meet you. I'm sorry to hear about your pain. And thank you for sharing.

How did you find out about us?

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here. So please keep coming back.

For myself, I find it extremely important to encourage each other in our walk with the Lord. So I would ask you to consider how that area in your life is developing?

I would also like to meet your bf. So please encourage him to join us. And yes, there is always hope. So never give up.

Thank you.

Your brother in Christ,

Kevin

Easypeasymethod.org

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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 10, 2015 4:00:18 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2015 4:00:18 GMT -7

Hi Kevin, I found blazing grace while searching for a support group. I've been dealing with this myself and just needed to talk with others who've gone through it. As for my bf I don't know if I can get him to logon..he's very introverted and doesn't like opening up ppl..our family Dr suggested he see a therapist since he's been depressed but he won't do it...as for my walk with Christ I am born again, an active member of mychurch , was baptized in 2011 & read my bible daily.

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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 12, 2015 5:34:44 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 5:34:44 GMT -7

Nancy57,
Welcome to BG. I am a moderator for BG. I am glad you were so transparent and honest. The short answer to your question of hope for him or both of you is, YES. I am not sure where you live but you say you attend a church. Have you approached the pastor there for help/ideas/recommendations? Some churches or pastors are not equipped or experienced in this sort of recovery and of course some are.
The hope may take some effort on both your parts - I don't believe it will be a cake walk because it seems porn is pretty entrenched at least in his life. Perhaps if he doesn't want to meet/talk to anyone he could look at using an on-line free program through Setting Captives Free. It is a 60-day course. Together with other efforts it can make a difference.
How is his faith life? May I ask if you two are married? Take care and blessings to you both until next time.
Nikanor

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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 12, 2015 6:48:09 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 6:48:09 GMT -7

Hi nikanor, no I haven't talked to my pastor..I suppose I should but in all honesty its tough to talk about. My bf believes in god but he doesn't go to church because he has a mild form of asbergers & the noise bothers him..we aren't married yet but intend to get married by Nov..

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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 15, 2015 3:49:08 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 3:49:08 GMT -7

Nancy57,
I hope you can find the courage to reach out to your pastor. We all had to break the ice somewhere in our recovery and healing from porn and sexual sin. There is much shame and guilt around the subject so I understand the hesitancy, but I also know the healing that comes after breaking that initial ice.
After reflecting on your posts one of my thoughts is that marriage is important in the Christian life but I'll leave that topic alone for someone better versed than myself to address. I do feel that there is some dependency or co-dependency issues going on. Sound like you are partially enabling his addiction. Give that some thought.
It is good you feel committed to each other and I am glad you have each other after previous losses. If your BF has anxieties with being in groups have you or he looked at the www.settingcaptivesfree.com site yet? This would offer help to him without having to be in group or face-to-face with anyone.
Have either of you read any books or materials on porn and/or sexual addiction? There are many wonderful and biblically based books on the subject - maybe too many. I can suggest some if you like. Of course being on BG here Mike Genung who started this has written his own book on the subject and you can find how to get a copy elsewhere on the web-site.
Let us (me) know if you or he have looked into any resource help at all up to this point. You both have to begin somewhere and we are here to help and encourage your efforts and search.
Let me know what else we can do and how we can help you both.
Continued Blessings,
Nikanor

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hi, I am Nancy57 Mar 30, 2015 0:33:10 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2015 0:33:10 GMT -7

Nancy,

Welcome to BG! And I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Condolences also for your loss.

Is there a Celebrate Recovery anywhere in your location? My H and I are starting a study series called, "A purpose driven recovery resource" by John Baker with a foreword by Rick Warren.

It has four books in the series and the 1st one is called, "Stepping Out of Denial into God's Grace." I was told by my hubby's sponsor that these Bible studies will help peel away the layers of the onion and help us both heal from the pain of his porn addiction in a Biblical way. The 2nd book is, "Taking an Honest and Spiritual Inventory". The 3rd book is, "Getting Right with God, Yourself, and Others. The 4th book is "Growing in Christ While Helping Others."

I can't wait to start. This is the first time that I have someone who will be there for me w/o judging me or criticizing me for how I feel. I feel so relieved. Hubby has a sponsor and his wife is going to be mine b/c she's lived through it. The questions I asked are the same questions she asked years ago when she discovered his addiction.

I would be a little weary of marrying someone who has a porn addiction unless he got help and started to beat his addiction. You could be opening yourself up to a world of hurt. Trust me on that.

I had to make my H chose: it was porn or me. And we'll be married 19 years this May.

This morning he told me he loved me. I told him he needed to prove that with actions, not words.

My prayers are with you and please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to talk.

HS3