Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2015 9:48:57 GMT -7
As has gone on for many years, I am struggling again.
I have the hardest time just saying "no". (To the temptations, to the fantasy. I try and think REAL hard, years back, when I last experienced it, it was pretty bad at best and horrible at the worst. But strangely my mind doesn't remember "that" part.)
Sex with a man is so illogical. As a bottom it is also unhealthily painful, demeaning, dirty and more like punishment than something that brings two people closer.
It is all I have ever known, so why is it so hard to realize, the act itself will be so empty, at best mildly exciting with a controlled amount of pain, at worst, just agony.
And on the spiritual side of it, I will be asking for curses in my life again.
Not to mention opening myself up to STDs if the prophylactic were to break.
Is there ever a time in our lives we we can smile, laugh, and realize that we have left even the desires behind?
We have "Made sense" of them and became resolute in our decision to leave it forever behind, because it is so deceitful?
Or is it so engrained into us, because for most of us we were raped/molested at an early age and it opened the spiritual door to a twisted mind, that we will always on some level be fighting it?
I am just so tired. I feel like breaking down and just laughing.
To clarify, I do not believe that holding same sex attraction is right, or good. Yeah, I am drawn to it like a man to water, but I do not for a second think it is okay to desire what it is I desire.
It's like saying to someone, "it is okay to want to kill people, just don't hurt anyone." No, it's not okay to want to kill people, and I do not think it is okay to want to commit abomination before God in any way, though I find myself desiring it.
I have the hardest time just saying "no". (To the temptations, to the fantasy. I try and think REAL hard, years back, when I last experienced it, it was pretty bad at best and horrible at the worst. But strangely my mind doesn't remember "that" part.)
Sex with a man is so illogical. As a bottom it is also unhealthily painful, demeaning, dirty and more like punishment than something that brings two people closer.
It is all I have ever known, so why is it so hard to realize, the act itself will be so empty, at best mildly exciting with a controlled amount of pain, at worst, just agony.
And on the spiritual side of it, I will be asking for curses in my life again.
Not to mention opening myself up to STDs if the prophylactic were to break.
Is there ever a time in our lives we we can smile, laugh, and realize that we have left even the desires behind?
We have "Made sense" of them and became resolute in our decision to leave it forever behind, because it is so deceitful?
Or is it so engrained into us, because for most of us we were raped/molested at an early age and it opened the spiritual door to a twisted mind, that we will always on some level be fighting it?
I am just so tired. I feel like breaking down and just laughing.
To clarify, I do not believe that holding same sex attraction is right, or good. Yeah, I am drawn to it like a man to water, but I do not for a second think it is okay to desire what it is I desire.
It's like saying to someone, "it is okay to want to kill people, just don't hurt anyone." No, it's not okay to want to kill people, and I do not think it is okay to want to commit abomination before God in any way, though I find myself desiring it.
