Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2014 14:31:11 GMT -7
Hi,
I struggle with homosexuality. M/M sex is all that I have ever known. I can trace the root issues to my childhood.
In all of these horrible temptations, that leave me shaking and sweating, with no sleep during the night, I realize that God requires Holiness. And not just that, but that even though I desperately want to re- create some of those experiences (Even if they were awful) that ultimately the choice is mine to stop doing the things that might lead me back into that lifestyle.
I have been celibate for almost twenty years, now.
I know that it is heavily demonic, the temptations, and I fully realize that there is a spirit of homosexuality, however, I have not been able to find a pastor who is familiar with the casting out of demons.
So here I struggle. All alone, save this forum, begging you guys for prayer, for a breakthrough.
Recently I have come to realize that the only thing that will complete my physically in this world is a woman. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.
However, I have read the stories of couples who have gotten married, where the husband has had SSA issues in the past, only to leave her for something twice as exciting, and ten times more empty, after he has forgotten his past experiences.
This terrifies me. I do not want to hurt a woman like this.
All my life it has been fighting the temptations... until they come back, again. And they are powerful.
God has shown me that homosexuality as it relates to Him, is a spiritual disease. It latches on either at birth due to sins of the father, or enters the person because of abuse and trauma, or a disconnect with their parents, etc.
Demons are real, and they do influence, torment, and tempt us.
It seems as if my entire fulfillment (Emotional, spiritual, sexual) as a human being teeters on whether or not I have some random sexual experience with another man.
I also know that if I open that door again, the floodgates will open, as I have managed to be celibate for so long.
And amongst all this, I struggle terribly with trying to understand who God is, really. Constantly I go back and forth, with a God who looks for any reason to harm me, to a God who died to help me become more righteous, and closer to Him. I struggle with that... A God who would allow those things to happen to me. It makes my skin crawl, to think Jesus knew it was happening... And did nothing.
Almost like He approves of it, but I know He does not. It feels like I am trying to come to a rapist sometimes, when I think of putting down my pride and going to God.
I am just being honest.
Yet, I know that I cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven without clinging to Jesus.
So I am torn, and shaken, and twisting in the wind, it seems, waiting for God to help me somehow. Yet, I also know the decision is mine to make- how much help will God offer...? I hope more than this, because times are hard for me, sexually speaking. I have not been intimate with another human being in almost twenty years. I am also in my mid thirties.
How I wish there was more help for people like me.
I don't want to do this anymore. I do not want to be me anymore, either.
I struggle with homosexuality. M/M sex is all that I have ever known. I can trace the root issues to my childhood.
In all of these horrible temptations, that leave me shaking and sweating, with no sleep during the night, I realize that God requires Holiness. And not just that, but that even though I desperately want to re- create some of those experiences (Even if they were awful) that ultimately the choice is mine to stop doing the things that might lead me back into that lifestyle.
I have been celibate for almost twenty years, now.
I know that it is heavily demonic, the temptations, and I fully realize that there is a spirit of homosexuality, however, I have not been able to find a pastor who is familiar with the casting out of demons.
So here I struggle. All alone, save this forum, begging you guys for prayer, for a breakthrough.
Recently I have come to realize that the only thing that will complete my physically in this world is a woman. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.
However, I have read the stories of couples who have gotten married, where the husband has had SSA issues in the past, only to leave her for something twice as exciting, and ten times more empty, after he has forgotten his past experiences.
This terrifies me. I do not want to hurt a woman like this.
All my life it has been fighting the temptations... until they come back, again. And they are powerful.
God has shown me that homosexuality as it relates to Him, is a spiritual disease. It latches on either at birth due to sins of the father, or enters the person because of abuse and trauma, or a disconnect with their parents, etc.
Demons are real, and they do influence, torment, and tempt us.
It seems as if my entire fulfillment (Emotional, spiritual, sexual) as a human being teeters on whether or not I have some random sexual experience with another man.
I also know that if I open that door again, the floodgates will open, as I have managed to be celibate for so long.
And amongst all this, I struggle terribly with trying to understand who God is, really. Constantly I go back and forth, with a God who looks for any reason to harm me, to a God who died to help me become more righteous, and closer to Him. I struggle with that... A God who would allow those things to happen to me. It makes my skin crawl, to think Jesus knew it was happening... And did nothing.
Almost like He approves of it, but I know He does not. It feels like I am trying to come to a rapist sometimes, when I think of putting down my pride and going to God.
I am just being honest.
Yet, I know that I cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven without clinging to Jesus.
So I am torn, and shaken, and twisting in the wind, it seems, waiting for God to help me somehow. Yet, I also know the decision is mine to make- how much help will God offer...? I hope more than this, because times are hard for me, sexually speaking. I have not been intimate with another human being in almost twenty years. I am also in my mid thirties.
How I wish there was more help for people like me.
I don't want to do this anymore. I do not want to be me anymore, either.