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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2014 15:33:30 GMT -7
I finally found the strength to say "I can't take any more" and dream about walking out the front door of our home of 26 years and never looking back. The only thing stopping me is that this is my home and I am not the one who brought the pain and filth through that front door. I did not realize my husband had a problem with masturbation when I married him almost 33 years ago. We were in our early 20's and in love. I realized there was a problem when I noticed him masturbating to porn magazines early on but just thought that was what all men did, or so my husband made me believe, so I didn't think much of it. 33 years later I wish I had been more aware and awake to the early signs of addiction. In 1997 when he got his first computer and found internet pornography, it was like being diagnosed with cancer. If I were asked by someone what is the first memory that comes to your mind when you think about your marriage, all I would be able to say is "porn", and it is the truth. Why did I stay? Why didn't I put my foot down and say STOP. Was I too weak...was I afraid of his anger...did this make me an enabler?... yes, yes and yes. This is a post to the young wives who are noticing signs of pornography addiction. Put your foot down NOW and say STOP. If you don't, you may end up like me, 33 years later, wishing I had done just that. I am 55 years old and have finally seen the impact pornography has had on my husband and am realizing that I may no longer even be in love with him. I feel used as a shield for him to hide his addiction behind and I feel mentally abused. So yes, I dream about walking out the front door of our home of 26 years, the house we raised our two sons in... the family home, and giving it all up just to be free of the memories of effects of pornography that permeate the walls, that cry out "you're not sexy enough", you're boring in bed, you don't try hard enough, etc, etc... I dream about renting an apartment and starting fresh and leaving it all behind, leaving it all with him.... but, I stop myself and realize that he is the one that brought this into our marriage, he is the one who is making me feel this way and that he is the one who needs to leave, not me... We are basically separated in our home. Our sex life is over. We are roommates. Please, Please, young wives hear me! Do not let it get to this point. If you see the warning signs of porn addiction stand strong and don't let it invade your marriage. I wish I had...it may be too late. My husband is finally seeing the effect it has had on me and he is back peddling to try to make things right between us. He is reading books about porn addiction and even books about understanding the truth of the Bible. I am a Christian, he is not. I appreciate his efforts to attempt to repair what pornography has destroyed but it may be too late, my wounds are too deep. We tried marriage counseling and it was useless. I am putting it in God's hands and taking it one day at a time. If I can open the eyes of one young wife, it will be worth it...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2014 6:14:55 GMT -7
Loosing, first let me say that I am male, a believer and a recovering porn addict.
I need to tell you that I frequently see men like your husband walk into their first recovery meeting... usually about one a month. They always start out resentful for being there, because their wives/GF's were assertive enough to set some healthy boundaries, and forced them to be accountable for their actions.
I also need to tell you that most of these men choose to come back, because they recognize that they actually need the safe fellowship of other men who struggle with this addiction. Porn/masturbation is extremely isolating... and usually linked to some deep insecurity or shame. It certainly has been for me. It's easier for men to come back if they have some common ground with the other guys in recovery. It's a lot easier if they share their faith, and can actually pray for each other.
You should also know that the majority of these men who come back, over time, are actually changed. Never overnight, and never as fast as their spouses would like, but most do change. Some may eventually achieve some kind of reconciliation with their spouse... especially if they admit their brokenness, and become open to a deeper relationship with God and with others.
I have seen men's lives changed in recovery. My preference has been Christian recovery (Celebrate Recovery), but I know that lives get changed in secular recovery programs as well, like Sexaholics Anonymous.
I'm not saying that you can fix your husband, nor that a recovery program is a panacea for his character flaws. I am saying that being open with him about what you are feeling, and setting some healthy boundaries with him is essential.
God Bless,-Rick
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2014 0:01:49 GMT -7
Rick, thank you so much for responding to my post. Your advice was exactly what I needed. I am currently searching for local support groups that deal with pornography addiction and am going to insist my husband take that step if our marriage is going to continue. He can see that I am at a crossroads and I can tell he is "walking lightly" waiting, and most probably hoping time will just make my pain fade into the woodwork like I always used to so we can keep stumbling along, but it is different this time. I am stronger. The porn usage has significantly decreased at our home as he has made efforts to change when we were previously in counseling but I am aware that he has a "hidden" laptop in his vehicle where I have also come across his "diaper bag" of porn he carries with him. It is like a baby's pacifier. I just stay quiet - at this point the damage is done and it is obvious that he can't do this on his own. I really think group therapy with other men who are addicted to pornography will be what makes the difference. Thank you again for your input. That is the reason I joined this forum. It is helpful to read everyone's stories, but means more to actually receive a personal response. God bless you for sharing!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 19:39:47 GMT -7
In answer to your title question: By Grace.
The grace that was shown you when you didn't deserve nor earn God's love and mercy. God doesn't hold a record of wrongs against us and nor should we. I KNOW THIS ISN'T EASY- BELIEVE ME. However if we are going to walk like Jesus this is something We must learn to do: Give out the same measure of GRACE that the Father gave us.
I'm been praying about this ever since I read it and at first I'll admit I didn't have the right answer, but my heart was in the right place.
How is grace given? As a gift!
Repentance is some thing to look for yes but I caution one on making it solely the deciding factor.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 20:08:31 GMT -7
Forgiving does not equal regaining respect for someone when they have lost it. Respect is earned by actions and deeds...by character. If the person forgives and the other person doesn't change, then the respect is still not there.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 20:48:53 GMT -7
So then are we saying that respect is given by works done? If no repentantance then there is no respect? How much work is needed before respect is granted? How long does one have to continue at the work before it's enough to earn some level of respect?
What I'm asking is what is the balance between what is been done by the offender and What is being given back by the one offended? Also how hard would it be For husband to continue in the work of repenting if the wife should choose not to Grant any respect back?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2016 8:02:28 GMT -7
Saying I am sorry does not mean that the person apologizing is changing. Actions speak louder then words. Respect is an on going thing. It is a combination of character and heart. Those 2 things are proved out to others by the person's actions and deeds.
You want respect then show your character and heart. It is easier to get respect the first time around then it is to regain respect after losing it. Kinda like trust. It needs to be walked out every day. If you are pursuing Christ and are committed to living as He outlines in the scripture, then that respect will be given in time.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2016 8:54:55 GMT -7
Thank you Amy for giving us such wonderful insight into the heart of a woman. For men it is often difficult to fully understand how or why things are the way they are. Often at times we men think in terms of instantaneous and can't understand why things in life are not always this way. So again amen and thank you for breaking this concept down for us. Much grace to you.  ? |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2017 19:51:36 GMT -7
I have been married to my husband for 15 years and for 15 years I have been in a house with my husband in active sex addiction. Yes he is the person who has the sex addiction however I was sick too. The effects of the sex addiction have been so severe that I cannot even begin to describe the devastation for me mentally physically and emotionally. Our house was not a home. This was an unsafe emotionally space for all who resided here or even came through the door. 6 months ago I told my husband he had to get help.
He agreed to do so. He never took steps to get help. I was hanging on by a thread to any shred of sanity. I reached out for help for me. I was asked why I was still here with him. I honestly could not answer that question. I built up my own support system. ( I had made attempts to build up a suppprt system for myself however I would always go back to denial about how bad things where ) Building my support system has been the key for me. I have a counselor of my own, I have a ministers wife who is trained in SA wives recovery, I have two super close trustworthy friends that I can talk to. I go to work daily and find comfort in focusing on my job. I also find joy in my grandchildren and my most and highest form of support is God He has carried me through so much and also lifts me up. I have read books studied and use this forum daily! Two days ago I gave my husband my bottom line. I am 100% NOT backing away from it. I told him ether me or SA .... he cannot have both. Through my studies and readings and counsel I have learned that this is Satan at his best. I have been a devoted wife and I have gone above and beyond to help my husband in all the best ways possible. I have prayed for him and loved him through it all even through the mental anguish that was on me through Satan who my husband allowed into our house. I have given my husband a time frame of 30 to 45 days to get into a Christian based recovery and work the program plus remain absitant
He has always complained that I have not respected him.
( I want to ) however it's been so hard to even want to be around him at all! How can I respect anyone who I am unable to even sit next too.
Not so much out of anger..... out of fear of Satans attack on me. When SA is in the home it ravishes all and any there.
My husband is slowly getting into a Chirstain recovery program with other men and accountability and sessions. The next 30 to 45 days will tell the story of whether I stay or go. I am committed to continue my recovery as a wife of SA husband and I am committed to my marraige however this does not mean I will stay and to be continually offered up to Satan by my husband nor waste any more years upon years in a living hell just because of someone else's choice to be hand in hand and ingrained with the devil. My husband knows he has an SA and he knows how it works and what it involves he also knows there is lots and lots of help available so basically it's his choice it all comes down to a choice.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2017 21:05:17 GMT -7
Your right.. my husband makes a choice everyday to indulge in his sin and even the way he treats me when im emotionally beat down... like today... he choose to be cool to me.... i would never treat him that way...
Choices. .... thats what it comes down to!
Your so right goldie!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 17:28:53 GMT -7
I am trying so hard to start over with my husband. I have gotten to the point of giving up. I really do not have anymore in me to keep on going in the way it has been. My main issue is staying calm when my husband continues to deceive me. He is now away at a 3 day Christian treatment program for SA / porn addiction. Unfortunately he continues to blame me for his dishonesty and I am hoping and praying he will keep an open mind and absorb and practice some new skills for our relationship. I just do not have trust and when new omissions come to the surface it triggers a lot for me with him. He absolutely is not an open book. He said he is going to win me back because he still loves me. But love is not cheating on someone. Love is not dishonesty or lack of communication or omttting things. Love is also not planning things and being happy with your spouse ( not all the time but for the most part ) I think my husband has an attachment to me rather than love So we will see. When he comes home maybe he will treat me better. I have strong doubts over it ....I am continuing
my recovery full force with God, readings, prayer and girlfriend support, along with counseling, this group and my SA for wives adviser I have to be well whether he is or not
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 4:31:13 GMT -7
Goldie, I pray you are not expecting miracles after just a 3 day program. And if it seems like he has done a 180, be aware that it maybe a facade. Remain guarded but optimistic. Look for actions over a long period of time. Addicts can fake it for awhile but not for long. Change is difficult and takes many falls a long the way.
I do pray your husband learns something and that this program gets him thinking. Thinking is the start of committing to changing.
Hugs and prayers. Stay strong sister.
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