Post by Deleted on May 30, 2013 7:47:11 GMT -7
Hello to all,
This is my journal of accountability. I once struggled horribly, and for a very long time, with masturbation and pornography.
At this moment I am on Day 92 of being free from both of them.
I am a male and my age is in my late fifties. For me it began when I was 11 years old; that's when masturbation began. At first it was a daily habit when falling asleep. But as I got older I also used to do it while watching certain television programs. Basically lets just say the habit gradually increased over the years.
Pornography began when I was about 10, I think. My friends showed me some magazines which they had somehow gotten a hold of. Honestly I didn't find them very interesting and I didn't look at anything like that again until my early twenties.
When I was in my early twenties, I went through a divorce. This is when my problem with pornography really began and increased more and more. At first it was only magazines, but then video tapes came along, and then in the nineties the internet came a long ... it's a sad story of a lot of wasted time which I will never get back.
But then, a key to overcoming these sins through Jesus Christ is to not look back. "Remember Lot's wife." She was told not to look back. We too, if we look back, can either 1) Be enticed to sin again by something which seems deceptively attractive, or 2) Become weighed down by the guilt and regret of things from the past, which then can cause us to go back to our old sins yet again.
So I mention that "sad story" only to let you know what my story is; on the other hand, I'm choosing not, in general, to look back at the past or to think about it any more.
So in the nineties the internet came along, and my sins increased even more.
For the majority of this time I am describing, I was single. But several years ago I met the love of my life, the woman who today is my wife and will be my wife to the day I die. This was the first step in my recovery. She is a wonderful Christian woman and of course I was strongly motivated to not practice my old sins any more.
But not quite strongly motivated enough.
Those sins continued occasionally after I got married several years ago. It wasn't until last summer that a very painful experience, when it took place, showed me that I had a huge problem with selfishness and anger. I did a lot of soul searching at that time. And I realized that masturbation and pornography had turned me into a very, very selfish person who also got angry a lot. A very ugly thing to see about yourself.
Last summer, I joined a forum, a secular forum, which deals with pornography addiction. The people there are from all kinds of backgrounds. The forum is very active and I found that the encouragements were helpful. The idea of talking about your struggles and then knowing someone would answer motivated me more to stop pornography and masturbation forever (actually, this forum is about stopping pornography; it is neutral about masturbation; but I myself believe that masturbation is a sin, and that we must not do it).
I began to experience some success in not masturbating any more. I would go maybe 14 days free, then 12, then 20, then maybe 31 was my highest "streak". But always in the back of my mind that I felt I needed to find a more Christian solution. Eventually I stopped posting there, last autumn, and started doing a Christian online course about stopping pornography. But it seems it was a bad decision. I didn't have daily accountability any more, and I went back to my old sins.
Finally I went back to that secular forum in February. Starting February 27 I have been free from these two sins of masturbation and pornography. It's definitely not of me at all. I am weak and vulnerable and could fall at any moment. However I am also determined to every day and every moment apply the lessons I've learned.
The first lesson I learned is that I was responsible myself to STOP. I kept waiting for God to rescue me, but He was waiting for me to repent and stop. Yes, without His grace and help we are powerless. I agree. But when I realized that He was waiting for me to stop, that was a turning point for me.
I also realized, with the help of someone on that forum,that I had to have persistence and determination. I had to be determined that I am going forward, away from my sins, and I am not looking back. I am not negotiating or discussing things with my sin. I am only moving forward. You must have this hard-faced cold attitude to overcome. And when the voices come to entice you to go back, you must coldly ignore them; they will pass.
For me I believe this cold determination came through my trials. The trials, what I spoke of earlier which happened last summer and also before February, were my own fault. But the trials motivated me to spend a lot of time with God. A lot of time with God talking to Him. And in spending time with Him and mourning not only over my sin but over the kind of person my sin had made me, He gave me that determination, or the beginnings of it.
He and only He deserves the glory. Jesus Christ is our Lord.
So now as I said I am on Day 92 being free. Yes there are still many other sins I struggle with. But my life, my relationship with my wife, everything is so much better now that I am free of these two sins. The best thing is that I can spend time with my Heavenly Father and know that one day I will be with Him. Before, I was weighed down by so, so, so much guilt, that I doubted strongly I could ever be in heaven. But now my faith is clear, I believe in Him, He makes me righteous before the Father with His blood, and I will be with Him one day. Before, when I was in sin, I couldn't see it or believe it, even though I did call myself a Christian.
That's my humble story. I've shared it very imperfectly, I hope to find grace from you all with respect to how I've told it. It's my attempt to share candidly and honestly and hopefully also in a way that helps someone else.
Accountability is of great importance. I plan to return to this thread at least once a day.
Peace to all,
Redeemed One
This is my journal of accountability. I once struggled horribly, and for a very long time, with masturbation and pornography.
At this moment I am on Day 92 of being free from both of them.
I am a male and my age is in my late fifties. For me it began when I was 11 years old; that's when masturbation began. At first it was a daily habit when falling asleep. But as I got older I also used to do it while watching certain television programs. Basically lets just say the habit gradually increased over the years.
Pornography began when I was about 10, I think. My friends showed me some magazines which they had somehow gotten a hold of. Honestly I didn't find them very interesting and I didn't look at anything like that again until my early twenties.
When I was in my early twenties, I went through a divorce. This is when my problem with pornography really began and increased more and more. At first it was only magazines, but then video tapes came along, and then in the nineties the internet came a long ... it's a sad story of a lot of wasted time which I will never get back.
But then, a key to overcoming these sins through Jesus Christ is to not look back. "Remember Lot's wife." She was told not to look back. We too, if we look back, can either 1) Be enticed to sin again by something which seems deceptively attractive, or 2) Become weighed down by the guilt and regret of things from the past, which then can cause us to go back to our old sins yet again.
So I mention that "sad story" only to let you know what my story is; on the other hand, I'm choosing not, in general, to look back at the past or to think about it any more.
So in the nineties the internet came along, and my sins increased even more.
For the majority of this time I am describing, I was single. But several years ago I met the love of my life, the woman who today is my wife and will be my wife to the day I die. This was the first step in my recovery. She is a wonderful Christian woman and of course I was strongly motivated to not practice my old sins any more.
But not quite strongly motivated enough.
Those sins continued occasionally after I got married several years ago. It wasn't until last summer that a very painful experience, when it took place, showed me that I had a huge problem with selfishness and anger. I did a lot of soul searching at that time. And I realized that masturbation and pornography had turned me into a very, very selfish person who also got angry a lot. A very ugly thing to see about yourself.
Last summer, I joined a forum, a secular forum, which deals with pornography addiction. The people there are from all kinds of backgrounds. The forum is very active and I found that the encouragements were helpful. The idea of talking about your struggles and then knowing someone would answer motivated me more to stop pornography and masturbation forever (actually, this forum is about stopping pornography; it is neutral about masturbation; but I myself believe that masturbation is a sin, and that we must not do it).
I began to experience some success in not masturbating any more. I would go maybe 14 days free, then 12, then 20, then maybe 31 was my highest "streak". But always in the back of my mind that I felt I needed to find a more Christian solution. Eventually I stopped posting there, last autumn, and started doing a Christian online course about stopping pornography. But it seems it was a bad decision. I didn't have daily accountability any more, and I went back to my old sins.
Finally I went back to that secular forum in February. Starting February 27 I have been free from these two sins of masturbation and pornography. It's definitely not of me at all. I am weak and vulnerable and could fall at any moment. However I am also determined to every day and every moment apply the lessons I've learned.
The first lesson I learned is that I was responsible myself to STOP. I kept waiting for God to rescue me, but He was waiting for me to repent and stop. Yes, without His grace and help we are powerless. I agree. But when I realized that He was waiting for me to stop, that was a turning point for me.
I also realized, with the help of someone on that forum,that I had to have persistence and determination. I had to be determined that I am going forward, away from my sins, and I am not looking back. I am not negotiating or discussing things with my sin. I am only moving forward. You must have this hard-faced cold attitude to overcome. And when the voices come to entice you to go back, you must coldly ignore them; they will pass.
For me I believe this cold determination came through my trials. The trials, what I spoke of earlier which happened last summer and also before February, were my own fault. But the trials motivated me to spend a lot of time with God. A lot of time with God talking to Him. And in spending time with Him and mourning not only over my sin but over the kind of person my sin had made me, He gave me that determination, or the beginnings of it.
He and only He deserves the glory. Jesus Christ is our Lord.
So now as I said I am on Day 92 being free. Yes there are still many other sins I struggle with. But my life, my relationship with my wife, everything is so much better now that I am free of these two sins. The best thing is that I can spend time with my Heavenly Father and know that one day I will be with Him. Before, I was weighed down by so, so, so much guilt, that I doubted strongly I could ever be in heaven. But now my faith is clear, I believe in Him, He makes me righteous before the Father with His blood, and I will be with Him one day. Before, when I was in sin, I couldn't see it or believe it, even though I did call myself a Christian.
That's my humble story. I've shared it very imperfectly, I hope to find grace from you all with respect to how I've told it. It's my attempt to share candidly and honestly and hopefully also in a way that helps someone else.
Accountability is of great importance. I plan to return to this thread at least once a day.
Peace to all,
Redeemed One
