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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2006 12:37:53 GMT -7
I don't get it, I don't know if I ever will. Why am *I* not enough for him, why won't he open up to ME, why can't he stop and why does he continually act out like this?
I don't get it...
And when he does talk to me about it, he gets defensive. He tells me that because I don't understand, I can't help him. And that's ALL I want to do. I WANT so MUCH to help him. I love him so much and all I want is for him to be happy. And I know he can't be happy if he's still struggling with this addictions, as it were.
It's destroying him, I can see it. I know the days when he acts out because he's irritatited for the rest of the day. He's mad at himself...and rightfully so. He should be. He says he's trying to stop, to get help; and then he goes on and does it all over again. And then he lies about it.
And that's what gets to me the most...the lies. I can understand a relapse more than I can understand the lies. I grew up in a household full of addicts...mostly alcohol, but some drugs, too where the evidince of a relapse is more apparent. I GET that it's difficult to break and addiction. But WHY WHY WHY the lies? I get that it's shameful.
But I don't understand why he feels like he needs to go it alone. I'm here for a reason, God put me her for a reason: to help him.
Why won't he let me? Any insight?
Oh, and I've told him that all I want to do is help him, to help him help himself. I don't know. Maybe this is something he has to do without me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2006 21:14:08 GMT -7
looking4answers,
Your husband is right about one thing, he does need to be the one to want to change. Does he want help? I have tried "providing" groups and support systems for my husband and even though he's not actively acting out with porn, I don't think...........change is a matter of the heart between us and the Lord, for all of us. The porn is not about you though. You may know that men are stimulated visually and porn is like taking a hit of a drug to their brain....NOT taking another hit produces withdrawal. The original draw to a repeated porn habit is more about the woundedness within the man than about you. Porn is safe because it requires nothing.....no variables, even though it costs them so much.....while we take more effort to understand and are not as safe.
Mike just responded on the forums to another post in a way which explained this better than I can, but I will try. He said something about how they believe the lies of the enemy that they will not be desired and somehow shut out the grace God has to offer them through Christ. You cannot make your husband heal or receive this.....he has to do it for himself. You can pray though....and you can seek out your own healing as well....and in my opinion, you can also draw boundaries like placing a block on your computers and removing the porn from them. I'd also suggest spending time reading God's word, asking Him to lead you in this process and reading what other women struggling with being married to a sex addict have posted here.....and looking for a group in your area for the spouses of sex addicts to get more healthy yourself as well. We don't even realize how this affects us until we begin to heal....it is hard and painful, but good. You are prayed for. So glad you're seeking help!
Captivated
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2006 1:50:40 GMT -7
He'll never heal alone. I speak from experience. How many times had I tried? More than I can count on two hands. That goes for alcohol and sexual impurity. Each failure led to more shame, more guilt, more pain. I obviously disguised my downward spiraling self-worth well, but it was there. I was even lying to myself, believing I was okay. I concentrated so hard on convincing myself, I couldn't see that I was lying to God and my wife.
Selfishness and pride is what stood in my way. I swore my "secret life" would be just that - I honestly believed I could somehow, someday erase it from my own mind.
God had other plans.
Through God-given discernment and intuition, my wife forced me to come clean. It is embarassing and shameful to me that she had to go to such lengths, it is even more embarassing and shameful that it took six weeks from my first "little" admission to finally getting down to dirt. I am ashamed of my secret life, I am ashamed of my deceit.
There is only one outlet, there is only one true escape. Guys, if you are struggling, pull your head out and submit yourself TOTALLY to God. "Oh, I have", you say, "but I'm still having relapses". I'm going to call you on it - no you haven't. This is a battle that will only be won in front of God. Ask Him to break you down. Ask Him to remold you into the real man, the real husband, the real father and the real friend as he intended you to be. You must be willing to give up everything earthly for this. You must be willing to deny yourself for this.
And why shouldn't you? Your wife gave up her freedom for you. A freedom she could have chosen to give to someone else. A freedom she could have kept for herself. But no, she gave it up for you. She believed in you. She believed you would honor her hope, honor her dreams, honor her love, honor her period. And you and I didn't. We didn't just break and shatter her heart, we broke God's heart, too. How much more trampling are you willing to do? What will it take to see God's ray of light? Where's your sense of urgency-why hurt that woman any longer? You can stop right now. Forever. You start with God - this sexual impurity is a sin against Him first - even before your wife. So start there. This is your wake-up call. Time to reach deep down inside you and find that little bit of courage that I know exists in all of us. Swallow your pride and ask God to rebuild you.
The only thing stopping you is you.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2006 0:04:09 GMT -7
From personal experience:
1. You have nothing to do with your husband's sin - it's not about being enough, etc. etc. because believe it or not, what your husband is viewing may or may not even be based upon lust. Believe it or not, for me pornography, etc. became a "safe haven". Yes, lust in and of itself is a part of it all, but more than anything, it was something that I could use to escape the real world and all it's troubles. In some cases, there were fantasies, etc. but for the most part, I hate to admit it but the people I viewed were not people but instead objects. This excuses nothing nor is it meant to, it's just a response to the "why am *I* not enough" comment.
2. Your husband must indeed want to change for himself. There are very few people who will admit to understanding this sin, though there are many people who participate actively in it. No one wants the stigma attached to it-it's easy to be a "drug addict" because you had "life circumstances" that caused you to have that affliction. Same thing with alcohol. A PERVERT on the other hand, well, now that's just a whole different kettle of fish-I mean come on (heavy-but unfortuantely true-sarcasm here). It's hard to make the step to want to change, it's harder still seeking help because there is such a social stigma attached as well as very few resources to make it happen (this is changing, but just recently so). Unless your husband wants to get better, he will have a hard time doing the work necessary to do so-and you can't make him want to rip his heart out through his nostrils (how I would describe the painful process of seeking help for this sin).
3. You can control/help you-pray for strength, get support but realize above all that your husband is in God's hands until God changes his heart. Pray for him, support him and lift him up, but PLEASE, don't take it personally.
That's what I have-God's best to you.
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Post by Steve on May 28, 2006 8:17:06 GMT -7
Greetings and welcome! My only input is this:
1) Is your husband serious about getting the help he needs? (i.e. And that means seeing a counselor who specializes in this issue and a willingness to be vulnerable and "nakedly honest" with at least one other human being.)
2) If the answer is "no" to #1, well, then it's obvious why he won't open up to you about it.
In short, until this man is truly broken and ready to change, you're going to be frustrated. I'm so sorry about all that you are go through. In short-term, it might be wise to seek help/growth yourself and let go a bit in trying to help him. You can lead a horse to water ...
All the best, Steve
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