Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2006 9:46:05 GMT -7
Hey everyone -- I am taking a big personal step here, exposing my sin on the www -- I applaud those of you who have done so. My name is CJ and until today, thought that I had finally been delivered of this 'porn' thing. From what I've read, I guess I consider myself a 'CPU'. The frequency of my sin is rare, but until today -- I didn't really realize how much it affected my marraige and my relationship with my kids.
For years, I have been wrapped up in my 'career', building a fairly successful company, always looking for that new thing that I could do or be that would put me ahead of my competition, therefore providing a stable financial environment for my wife and children. Because this company required travel, from time to time, I would slip into viewing porn, masturbation, and the endless cycle of excuses and justifications, that led to guilt and unimaginable shame. Blah, blah, blah -- you guys know the story.
What has really hit me today in reading this website (after a terrible realization today that 'IT' is not over) is the following:
1. You're in an all-out war, and there are no neutral parties. If lust isn't killed you will be defeated; there's no prize for second place.
I have an accountability partner -- my best friend, who is also my pastor, my mentor, and an incredible man of God -- who used to struggle with the same things I'm deaing with now. I have also discussed this with my wife on many occasions, who has been encouraging, but I can tell that she's not comfortable talking about it, considering our past. I committed adultery on my wife with two different women twice within the first 4 years of our marriage -- we've been married 12.5 years. She has been patient and encouraging throughout this process, but I know that she knows that we don't have the emotional and spiritual closeness that we should.
2. Porn with masturbation is adultery
This is a hard one for me to grasp...I'm still processing it. We've all heard or read Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart". Why is it so hard to shut the images off? For me, the images of things past are what jumpstarts the whole process over again -- especially when I am isolated, like today.
Although, I can tell those of you that are despairing that there is hope. I really feel like I'm on the downhill slope of this journey (certainly not by my own power!), and God is really delivering me of this filthy, abhorrent wound in my mind. By no means do I think that I am free of it -- face it, we're men. At the risk of being crude, men have two heads, and BOTH are evil! The only way out of this is to press into Jesus and let Him replace the images and the fantasies with love for Him, and respect for your wife and family.
Pray for me, as I am human. I sit here in a hotel in a far-away city typing this message on a computer that not 2 hours ago was used for something completely destructive and empty. Thank God that He forgives, and He can shelter us with His love, compassion, and unending patience.
For years, I have been wrapped up in my 'career', building a fairly successful company, always looking for that new thing that I could do or be that would put me ahead of my competition, therefore providing a stable financial environment for my wife and children. Because this company required travel, from time to time, I would slip into viewing porn, masturbation, and the endless cycle of excuses and justifications, that led to guilt and unimaginable shame. Blah, blah, blah -- you guys know the story.
What has really hit me today in reading this website (after a terrible realization today that 'IT' is not over) is the following:
1. You're in an all-out war, and there are no neutral parties. If lust isn't killed you will be defeated; there's no prize for second place.
I have an accountability partner -- my best friend, who is also my pastor, my mentor, and an incredible man of God -- who used to struggle with the same things I'm deaing with now. I have also discussed this with my wife on many occasions, who has been encouraging, but I can tell that she's not comfortable talking about it, considering our past. I committed adultery on my wife with two different women twice within the first 4 years of our marriage -- we've been married 12.5 years. She has been patient and encouraging throughout this process, but I know that she knows that we don't have the emotional and spiritual closeness that we should.
2. Porn with masturbation is adultery
This is a hard one for me to grasp...I'm still processing it. We've all heard or read Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart". Why is it so hard to shut the images off? For me, the images of things past are what jumpstarts the whole process over again -- especially when I am isolated, like today.
Although, I can tell those of you that are despairing that there is hope. I really feel like I'm on the downhill slope of this journey (certainly not by my own power!), and God is really delivering me of this filthy, abhorrent wound in my mind. By no means do I think that I am free of it -- face it, we're men. At the risk of being crude, men have two heads, and BOTH are evil! The only way out of this is to press into Jesus and let Him replace the images and the fantasies with love for Him, and respect for your wife and family.
Pray for me, as I am human. I sit here in a hotel in a far-away city typing this message on a computer that not 2 hours ago was used for something completely destructive and empty. Thank God that He forgives, and He can shelter us with His love, compassion, and unending patience.
