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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2012 15:37:02 GMT -7
It's been a little over a month since my Husband started on his road to recovery from his porn/sex addiction. Today has been a really rough day for me. After our counseling session today I came home feeling depressed, angry and lost. I understand the total honesty concept but how do I deal with hearing all of the painful things that he has done? After hearing everything I heard today I don't even know if I can get past this. How am I supposed to heal if I have to continue to listen to things that he has done? How can he look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me after he has told me he has done all of these things? How is it possible that I still love him even though I can't trust him? Will this pain ever go away?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2012 16:16:30 GMT -7
Hi LMS,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place.
While you may certainly ask that less detail be given, it is important for your husband's deeds to have light shown upon them. He must accept responsibility for them, and for how deeply he has hurt you before either of you can move forward. Freedom, healing, and trust are a marathon, not a sprint. There will be times you think about dropping out, but there is an end to the race, though it takes each of us different amounts of time to reach wholeness.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 5:13:51 GMT -7
Hello LostMySoulMate,
The pain that you experience during the first months post discovery/disclosure is excruciating. I can remember a flurry of thoughts and emotions flying through my head. There was probably a period of time when I should have been committed. For me, it was that bad, but it does get better with time, and some realizations along the way.
I will share my realizations with you in the hope you find them helpful....
1. I realized I had not lost my soulmate. The soulmate I thought I had never really existed. I fell in love with a carefully crafted and projected facade. The pain I felt as a result of my "loss" was very real, but my "loss" was not. What I had "lost" was a lie. I realized that I was no longer living a lie, rather I was now living in stark reality. I analogized to stepping out of the shadows and into the sun light. It was very painful, but I realized that continuing to live in the lie was worse and that coming to grips with reality positioned me to take the next step on the path to true healing. Some of my self-talk went like this:
2. "I miss my husband." CORRECTION: No, you miss the man you thought you married. The man you thought you married does not and never did exist. Step out into the sunshine. Feel its warm embrace. That is the truth enveloping you with healing energy.
3. "You married him, moron." CORRECTION: You married him under false pretenses. He intentionally and specifically hid relevant facts from you. If you had all the facts at the time, you probably would not have married him. You are not a moron. You are a brilliant woman. You are an accomplished woman. You do not need him to be whole.
4. Throughout this healing process, I learned to be gentle with myself. I learned to be my own best cheerleader. I realized that throughout my 23 year marriage, he never had a kind word to say to me. He sneered at me, he belittled me, nothing I ever did was good enough. If I made a meal that he liked, he would say "You can do that again." I realized later in the healing process what a tragic impact this had on my self esteem. I'm a CPA and a Lawyer, but I thought very little of myself. I really thought I was an idiot. It took 23 years to figure out he was a porn addict. But he was a very good con man. I treat myself as I would treat anyone who is going through a rough time. Be gentle with yourself. Help yourself to heal by giving yourself "attagirls" at every turn. Whether you realize it or not, you've been sneered at....at every turn. It takes a long time to see it, even longer to counter act it.
5. Understand and realize that there is NO TRUTH WHATSOEVER to the way he sees you or regards you. Part of the addictive cycle involves blaming the wife for everything...and I do mean everything. He justifies his porn use because he has such a "bad wife." You can't cook right. You aren't raising the kids right. You don't keep the house right. You work too much. You work too little. You're lazy. You are fat. You are stupid. Blah, blah, blah.......and so, in his mind......he is justified in acting out with the porn. He is a martyr. A long suffering husband for staying with such an inferior specimen. DO NOT BELIEVE ANY OF IT!!!!
If you have been the victim of this kind of abuse, your self-esteem was purposefully, systematically, intentionally destroyed even before he disclosed. Be gentle with yourself. None of this is your fault. None of it.
Your husband is really sick. Place the blame where it properly belongs. Take care of yourself first and foremost right now. You have to be healthy and whole for yourself and your children, if any.
Live in the sunshine. Build yourself up. Be gentle with yourself.
I hope this was helpful.
I bid you peace and serenity.....DW
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 5:22:43 GMT -7
I wrote stream of consciousness.......whatever came to my mind....one thing I neglected to address was the full vs sequential disclosure.
as painful as it is, I think complete and full disclosure is best. Once you know it all, then you can start to heal for real, or leave, your choice. My husband disclosed sequentially, or rather I found out more and more as the months progressed. Every new fact or realization ripped the wounds open anew. Healing had to begin again. Trust is destroyed with every disclosure too. I really think it is best to get it all out on the table so you can deal with it as you see fit. If you get it all out on the table, your forward progress cannot be derailed by a new disclosure.
I hope that helps.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 9:02:04 GMT -7
If you don't mind a comment from someone on the other side of the fence, total honesty is important, but total honesty doesn't have to mean dumping all the details on you if you don't want them. Addicts have to be rigorously honest and have to share the details with, as the steps say, God, ourselves, and another human being. We have to tell our spouses everything they want to know. But we don't need to tell them things they don't want to now, nor do I think we have a right to do so.
Spouses of addicts vary a lot in how much of the nitty-gritty they want to hear. Some want names and dates and particulars, while for others, it's enough to know the broad kinds of behavior that went on. I believe that you have an absolute right to decide what you want to know and when.
Would it be useful to take some time in the next session exploring some guidelines in that regard?
I think highly of a book, "Disclosing Secrets," by M. Deborah Corley and Jennifer P. Schneider, which helps both parties work through this question, but it looks to be no longer in print. Schneider has some other books I haven't read but that are directed at betrayed spouses and that might be useful.
Peace. My apologies, of course, if my visit here is an intrusion.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2012 7:45:58 GMT -7
In my case I wanted to know all the details. Still now I question him. I read somewhere that the wife will ask the same questions over and over and over as a way of desensitising herself from it. I think that's what I did. I re-lived it everytime but it seemed less horrific after a while and just became something that happened. It slowly (very slowly) turns from horror to hurt to pain to a dull pain. If I caught him in the morning doing it, then it would have a different effect on me now.
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