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Turmoil
Jul 3, 2012 20:55:23 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 20:55:23 GMT -7
I have visited here often of recent months, I have gone to post but nothing has come, so I have left again.
In some ways I do not know what to say.
I feel I am still in shock.
I feel I have so many questions but there are no answers.
Nearly 14 months on from what was until then, then biggest shock of my life, I feel in total limbo.
To the outside world I am fine. It is only here, where I can let it all out, that anybody understands what it is like to live with a sex addict and to know that all those years together were a lie.
LadyP
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 4:40:13 GMT -7
Dear LadyP,
Today is the three year anniversary of me finding the porn. At the 14 month mark, the anger, the pain, the rage was still raw for me as well. I don't think you can heal on a timeline. Healing came for me in steps, only as my heart and my head reconciled their differing positions. I'm not done healing and I doubt I ever will be, but it does get better.
I think intellectually, we reach solid conclusions much faster than our hearts embrace the new reality. For me, my hard, cold, realistic analytical side knew almost instantly what the deal was and was going to be. My heart was simultaneously in shock, denial, disbelief, grieving and longing for the relationship I thought I had. I understand the internal conflict you are feeling and experiencing.
For me, resolution and healing came when I started down memory lane and re-ran the tape from painful or difficult situations in my marriage and re-ran the tapes with the new knowledge in place. I realized that yes, my life had been a lie. He lied to me, no doubt, but I stubbornly clung to the notion that my husband loved me and had my best interests at heart throughout despite strong evidence to the contrary. I replayed all of those times that he showed me through his actions or lack thereof that he was not engaged in the marriage and that he was just going through the motions. I acknowledged and confirmed for myself that those feelings that accompanied those instances were real, and dead on accurate. I acknowledged to myself that I had ignored my inner voice for decades. I KNEW something was wrong, I just didn't know what.
And I forgave myself.......
My husband had managed to convince therapists that he was just fine. He buffaloed trained therapists. Trained therapists didn't put all the pieces together. I spent a lot of time kicking myself for not figuring it out sooner. That was not helpful or productive.
When I forgave myself and acknowledged the dead on accuracy of my little voice, I reached a new peace. I trust my little voice now. I listen to it. I act on it. I TRUST MYSELF. I started a new business based on the little voice. I was afraid, very afraid, my little voice told me everything would work out. It did.
The final chapter of this book hasn't been written yet, but when I ask myself what I would do, or what I would want to experience if I knew this was my last day on earth, I still desperately want loving, emotionally intimate relationship with a man. I know I will never have that with the "man" I'm married to. So......I don't know how this story will end, but I bid you peace. I hope that reconciling your heart and your head will provide the peace you seek.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2012 7:47:35 GMT -7
Hi Ladyp,
It's tough isn't it. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I'm not at the other end yet but I'll let ye know when I get there. And I will get there. I just don't know what 'there' looks like yet.
I think it's along way off. Maybe you could help us get there!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2012 5:21:05 GMT -7
DW, thank you once again for such brilliant words. I think you should write a book!
Hopefull, I know I will "get there" too, but it seems a long way off at the moment. Hence the turmoil post.
I never imagined it would be like this all these months later, but I am also being gentle on myself knowing that his addiction has nothing to do with me. Yet I still have so many questions.
God bless ladies.
LadyP
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