DW, I've a few questions for you.

Dear Hopeful,

I will try to answer each question in turn.

[user=94728]hopefull[/user] wrote:


Here in the states, it is difficult to say there is a singular societal view of porn. In Pennsylvania, I think the attitude is boys will be boys. The church that I attended for sometime immediately after my discovery regularly preached against pornography. The pastor mentioned it in nearly every sermon. Seems he knew how widespread the problem was and tried to address it from the pulpit weekly. We have a female legislator, or had (she was convicted of using her staff for campaign activities and sentenced to prison), tried to mount a legal crusade against porn. Her arguments were poorly articulated, full of naked assertions that were not supported by hard data, and she ran head long into our First Amendment to the Constitution which protects "free speech," which covers porn. The courts here have made hair-splitting, amorphous distinctions between porn and obscenity. Obscenity is not protected speech (appeals purely to the prurient interest and goes against community standards----apply that if you can), mere porn is or has been deemed protected speech. Society routinely ridiculed her for trying to institute a sex police force. Her efforts didn't get very far.

Do I talk freely about this? Absolutely not. Message boards have been an absolute Godsend because I can "talk" with people who have been there, done that. Unless a woman or a man has walked in our shoes, I don't think they can possibly understand the devastation this addiction causes. I've disclosed discreetly. Those that I have told have been very, very supportive. I've not had anyone tell me that I'm overly sensitive or a control freak....thankfully.



I think there may be people who would be supportive, but it is hard to discern who those people might be while you are still in full blown shock. I didn't tell my best friend for over a year. I understand the isolation you feel. Reach out via this message board to connect with women who understand. I have to say honestly, I don't think counselors are properly trained to deal with the spouses trauma upon discovery. I was labeled co-dependent and treated as such. I really don't think any counselor I saw "got it." Quite often, I felt as though I had to protect myself from my counselors. I refused to be blamed and I refused to molly-coddle him in any way shape or form. I can't say the counselors did me any good what so ever. You may be better off going it alone, with online help from those of us who've walked in your shoes.

The tincture of time heals many wounds. Mike Genung's writings were a Godsend to me immediately after I found the porn. His straight talk to the addicts and to the wives gave me a spine implant that I carry to this day. I devoured every book on the subject that I could get my hands on. Marsh Means and Laurie Hall were two of my favorite authors. I had some one on one phone counseling sessions with Dr. Doug Weiss' people. They helped me the most of any counselor. My "husband's" root issue is intimacy anorexia. Reading about intimacy anorexia flung the doors of understanding wide open. www.intimacyanorexia.com/



No woman should hang her head in shame. You are the victim of his addiction. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Chances are he was sick before he married you. He brought this filth into the marriage. Please, please, please do not accept any of the blame for his addiction. There is no doubt that you have been traumatized by this experience. That's nothing to be ashamed of. My husband had sneered at me for years. I never knew why. I did my best to ignore it. When I found the porn, I instantly knew why. He'd been comparing me to the porn for decades. I didn't measure up. My bad. There was a part of me that was like a crushed flower. There was a bigger part of me that was like a caged tigress. When I found the porn, I lept out of my cage with fangs and claws bared and ready for battle.

Please do not allow this to crush you, crush your spirit or ruin your life. You are in charge of your life. You are the only one who can change your life. If you don't like the way it is going, make a plan and make a change. Whatever makes you feel trapped and helpless......identify it and find a way to change it. Adopt the stance of the tigress. Please don't allow yourself to be a victim.

I bid you peace and serenity from across the pond.

My best, DW

Hi Hopefull,

No, we ladies don't wear "my husband's a porn addict" on our sleeves, but I have ferreted out some by listening between the lines for the general symptoms of addiction.  When you demonstrate knowledge of and compassion for those living with an addict, they often open up and share.

TruthSeeker