Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 18:23:44 GMT -7
Hello Everyone!
I'm Marcus. I'm 21 years old and I'm addicted to pornography and masturbation. Through these addictions, I have also felt homosexual urges. The past decade has been a long road, and I have an even longer path ahead of me.
I suppose it all started when I was 12. I'm actually not sure which came first: my first masturbatory session, or my "research" online. I know they were close, and ever sense then, I've been tied to both of them.
It all started with curiosity. I had heard things--things that fascinated me. Throughout my life, I have never had an interest in alcohol, drugs, smoking, or any of that stuff. My downfall was sex. I'm obsessed with sex. I wanted to explore every crevice--know every nuance of the act. I wanted, no, needed to understand. When the pleasure came, it was wonderful. I wanted to feel more, to experience more.
My relationships did not help my problem. I lived in a divided home. My parents divorced when I was very young. I have been as blessed as I can be to still have my parents involved in my life, but I can't say my Dad was always around. I lived in a female dominated house. That did not help me either.
I hag guy friends. Some years were good, others were not. Middle school was hard. I felt so alone and isolated. The popular guys in the class loved to ridicule me because I fed their egos and their "humor". I took it hard. I've always been sensitive, and it destroyed my self-confidence.
I went through a stage of depression and sadness where I thought the dirt beneath me was more special than I. I thought that if I died, no one would even care. I actually thought about going through with that thought a couple times.
This was when things worsened with my addiction. I went from sexual stories into pictures and videos. I even talked to other teenagers online--strangers who were not Christian and who fed my desires. I started trading pictures with them. We talked about many unwholesome things. I even video chatted with some of them. I was headed down a very dangerous path, and I was only picking up speed.
By the grace of God, my mother found pictures on my computer. I lost privileges for awhile, and had a period of sobriety. Unfortunately, I got access to a computer again, and fell back into my ways. Thankfully, I went back into that dangerous road again. Despite my setbacks, that was one victory.
As I went into High School, I carried with me an unbalance of female to male friends. I simply could not connect with men. I don't like sports, or cars, or the beer. Most men find my more feminine nature unsettling. It took until Junior year, but I finally started to make strong bonds with my male friends, and created a good circle of friends.
Yet, the damage was done. I was addicted to porn and masturbation, and had given up on giving it up. I thought I was too weak to fight it, so I stopped trying and gave in. Straight porn turned to gay porn, and things continued to worsened as I desired more unnatural things.
I entered a relationship shortly after my freshmen year of college started. Though it lasted for over a year, it didn't last. Besides other issues, I realized that I never trusted her with my addiction, with telling her my problems. This was a major concern to me.
Before I continue, there is one thing about me you must understand: I crave intimacy. I love making friends, and I love hanging out with friends. I desire affection and belonging with the people in my life. Unfortunately, i never felt satisfied. The thing is: I never turned to God in all this.
I've been a Christian all my life. I was born and raised in a Christian home. At first, I felt I was walking the walk, and talking the talk. Then my addiction happened. I continued to fall away from God. Eventually, I reached the point that I felt I could never return to God because I had chosen sex. I felt he had turned away from me because I had turned away from him. This obviously did not help my addiction.
My college life was a disaster for my faith. I had a crisis of faith, where I even doubted God existed, and turned to logic and science to explain my world. I continued to Masturbate daily, and turned to porn when I could. The only blessing I will always be thankful for is that i went to a Christian college which filtered the internet. Porn had become a much harder commodity. I found ways, but much less often.
Still...my issue had not resolved. I realized how much my fantasies revolved around men, and I found myself facing the reality that I was Bi. It was a huge identity crisis. It scared me. Just as with my addiction, I locked it away in my chest of secrets, and threw away the key.
Then...things changed. I met an amazing girl that captured my heart unexpectedly. Every time we talked, I felt us growing closer and closer. Soon enough, we started dating. I felt myself trusting her more than any other girl. When she asked me for my secrets, I felt it was time to tell her.
I told her of my porn addiction. She was quite understanding. She saw my desire to change, and that I had been making an effort (nearly a month sober at this point), and she committed to support me.
Things were going so good, and I was going so well. Then the the other show dropped. She asked me what kind of porn I had watched. I could not lie to her. I had to tell her. I told her about my bisexual nature.
Everything changed. Within a couple of weeks, the relationship was over. Still...she stood by me as a really close friend, and she still does. I was devastated. I was falling in love with this girl. I still feel strong emotions for her.
With her encouragement, though, I held. I fought my addiction every day. I saw a counselor. I put a filter on my computer. I started to turn the tide of a long, bloody war that had caused so much damage.
So here I am. I'm nearly two months sober from porn, and over a month sober from masturbation. The most important thing of all...I found my faith again. I pray everyday for my Lord to be with me, and to help me face the temptations. I have found strength I never knew I had. I know it's from Him. Thank God for His love.
This is my story. I still struggle. I still doubt. I'm still afraid, but I trust God to stick with me through it all. I didn't want to lose my relationship with this girl, but if it took sacrificing one human relationship to save my soul, and to bring me back to God, I would do it every time.
I come here to confess my sins, and my past. I come here seeking support from those who know my pain. I feel loneliness. I feel the strain of battle. I come to share what I have learned, to help others to face the battles I have. I have also come to learn, to her from fellow warriors in lust. I want to hear from others my age who face similiar issues. I want to hear from husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, and everyone else about how to be the best man I can be.
In need to do this for God, to strengthen my walk with Him. I do this for the woman that I will one day marry, that she can find the best that I can offer, and that I can treat like the amazing woman she is. I do this for myself, that I can finally forgive myself, and find peace.
Thanks for reading all of this. Your words, advice, and company are most welcome.
God be with us all,
~Marcus
I'm Marcus. I'm 21 years old and I'm addicted to pornography and masturbation. Through these addictions, I have also felt homosexual urges. The past decade has been a long road, and I have an even longer path ahead of me.
I suppose it all started when I was 12. I'm actually not sure which came first: my first masturbatory session, or my "research" online. I know they were close, and ever sense then, I've been tied to both of them.
It all started with curiosity. I had heard things--things that fascinated me. Throughout my life, I have never had an interest in alcohol, drugs, smoking, or any of that stuff. My downfall was sex. I'm obsessed with sex. I wanted to explore every crevice--know every nuance of the act. I wanted, no, needed to understand. When the pleasure came, it was wonderful. I wanted to feel more, to experience more.
My relationships did not help my problem. I lived in a divided home. My parents divorced when I was very young. I have been as blessed as I can be to still have my parents involved in my life, but I can't say my Dad was always around. I lived in a female dominated house. That did not help me either.
I hag guy friends. Some years were good, others were not. Middle school was hard. I felt so alone and isolated. The popular guys in the class loved to ridicule me because I fed their egos and their "humor". I took it hard. I've always been sensitive, and it destroyed my self-confidence.
I went through a stage of depression and sadness where I thought the dirt beneath me was more special than I. I thought that if I died, no one would even care. I actually thought about going through with that thought a couple times.
This was when things worsened with my addiction. I went from sexual stories into pictures and videos. I even talked to other teenagers online--strangers who were not Christian and who fed my desires. I started trading pictures with them. We talked about many unwholesome things. I even video chatted with some of them. I was headed down a very dangerous path, and I was only picking up speed.
By the grace of God, my mother found pictures on my computer. I lost privileges for awhile, and had a period of sobriety. Unfortunately, I got access to a computer again, and fell back into my ways. Thankfully, I went back into that dangerous road again. Despite my setbacks, that was one victory.
As I went into High School, I carried with me an unbalance of female to male friends. I simply could not connect with men. I don't like sports, or cars, or the beer. Most men find my more feminine nature unsettling. It took until Junior year, but I finally started to make strong bonds with my male friends, and created a good circle of friends.
Yet, the damage was done. I was addicted to porn and masturbation, and had given up on giving it up. I thought I was too weak to fight it, so I stopped trying and gave in. Straight porn turned to gay porn, and things continued to worsened as I desired more unnatural things.
I entered a relationship shortly after my freshmen year of college started. Though it lasted for over a year, it didn't last. Besides other issues, I realized that I never trusted her with my addiction, with telling her my problems. This was a major concern to me.
Before I continue, there is one thing about me you must understand: I crave intimacy. I love making friends, and I love hanging out with friends. I desire affection and belonging with the people in my life. Unfortunately, i never felt satisfied. The thing is: I never turned to God in all this.
I've been a Christian all my life. I was born and raised in a Christian home. At first, I felt I was walking the walk, and talking the talk. Then my addiction happened. I continued to fall away from God. Eventually, I reached the point that I felt I could never return to God because I had chosen sex. I felt he had turned away from me because I had turned away from him. This obviously did not help my addiction.
My college life was a disaster for my faith. I had a crisis of faith, where I even doubted God existed, and turned to logic and science to explain my world. I continued to Masturbate daily, and turned to porn when I could. The only blessing I will always be thankful for is that i went to a Christian college which filtered the internet. Porn had become a much harder commodity. I found ways, but much less often.
Still...my issue had not resolved. I realized how much my fantasies revolved around men, and I found myself facing the reality that I was Bi. It was a huge identity crisis. It scared me. Just as with my addiction, I locked it away in my chest of secrets, and threw away the key.
Then...things changed. I met an amazing girl that captured my heart unexpectedly. Every time we talked, I felt us growing closer and closer. Soon enough, we started dating. I felt myself trusting her more than any other girl. When she asked me for my secrets, I felt it was time to tell her.
I told her of my porn addiction. She was quite understanding. She saw my desire to change, and that I had been making an effort (nearly a month sober at this point), and she committed to support me.
Things were going so good, and I was going so well. Then the the other show dropped. She asked me what kind of porn I had watched. I could not lie to her. I had to tell her. I told her about my bisexual nature.
Everything changed. Within a couple of weeks, the relationship was over. Still...she stood by me as a really close friend, and she still does. I was devastated. I was falling in love with this girl. I still feel strong emotions for her.
With her encouragement, though, I held. I fought my addiction every day. I saw a counselor. I put a filter on my computer. I started to turn the tide of a long, bloody war that had caused so much damage.
So here I am. I'm nearly two months sober from porn, and over a month sober from masturbation. The most important thing of all...I found my faith again. I pray everyday for my Lord to be with me, and to help me face the temptations. I have found strength I never knew I had. I know it's from Him. Thank God for His love.
This is my story. I still struggle. I still doubt. I'm still afraid, but I trust God to stick with me through it all. I didn't want to lose my relationship with this girl, but if it took sacrificing one human relationship to save my soul, and to bring me back to God, I would do it every time.
I come here to confess my sins, and my past. I come here seeking support from those who know my pain. I feel loneliness. I feel the strain of battle. I come to share what I have learned, to help others to face the battles I have. I have also come to learn, to her from fellow warriors in lust. I want to hear from others my age who face similiar issues. I want to hear from husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, and everyone else about how to be the best man I can be.
In need to do this for God, to strengthen my walk with Him. I do this for the woman that I will one day marry, that she can find the best that I can offer, and that I can treat like the amazing woman she is. I do this for myself, that I can finally forgive myself, and find peace.
Thanks for reading all of this. Your words, advice, and company are most welcome.
God be with us all,
~Marcus