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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2012 23:15:17 GMT -7
Can someone help me with this.
When I look at myself from God's point of view I see a woman who has a beautiful body. I have lost weight and now I have the baby belly and baby boobs. That in my view is a lovely thing. I've made a family and this is how my body looks now. It is beautiful. I think I look good. Mind you I think I prefered myself with more weight.
Now when I look at myself through my husbands eyes, I see 'I would love it if she had the same boobs as before and a flatter stomach'. I asked he if he could change anything about me and those are the two he said.
Now I know that society is to blame for making women feel ugly and for people to judge you. How do I show my husband that my body is the most beautiful one. He's grown up thinking that slim big breasted women are attractive. How can I show him that I am a beautiful woman.
This is a barrier for us. If I'm not with him I feel great. When I'm with him I feel ugly. I also have a load of people saying 'wow you look great' This upsets me because I looked great before I lost weight. And I definitely felt more beautiful with it. Maybe not comfortable but I looked better to myself.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2012 0:31:05 GMT -7
Hi Hopefull,
I think only God can change his heart/attitude. In my opinion, the only concern a person who loves someone should have about their weight is whether it might contribute to health problems.
Truthseeker
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2012 3:34:08 GMT -7
Well see first he isn't religious. If he was then I would have hope.
Second, how can I be with someone who I know sees me as unattractive? I can be there physically but not in my heart. Doesn't that mean that we will never have a full filling sex life! If that's the case then we will never be better.
And thanks for replying so quickly.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2012 3:00:11 GMT -7
Then I pray that he opens his heart to faith.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2012 5:48:57 GMT -7
Hi Hopefull,
Your "husband" shows all the maturity of a self-centered 12 year old. If he doesn't love you for the PERSON you are, get out.
He's not worth the effort or the heartache. You are beautiful just the way you are and if he's only interested in the superficial physical body, he's a dolt. Don't spend another nanosecond on him. Men like that are a dime a dozen.
Good Luck!
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2012 7:58:49 GMT -7
Truthseeker - He said he was trying to believe and he says he believes in something but not as much I do. I can't force him to believe. He can do all the religious things but it doesn't mean he will believe.
DW, I forgot to say that he only answered a question I asked him because we were being honest. And I'm glad he told the truth. If he didn't tell me the truth then where would we be? Also he says he loves me and it doesn't matter what I look like. Loving me and seeing physical unattrative traits is different to men I think. When I loved him I wouldn't want to change anything but I'm a woman.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 3:56:27 GMT -7
Hi Hopeful,
Please don't diet or exercise or seek the services of a plastic surgeon to please him. You are not responsible in any way for his sexual addiction. No amount of marital intimacy will satisfy a sex addict. Don't allow yourself to be compared to the nip-tucked floozies in the porn. Real women cannot be stick thin sporting double D's. That's not reality. It's fake. Surgery induced. Don't allow him to make you feel bad about yourself or ugly or unattractive. The porn has poisoned his mind. He has an unrealistic view of the female body and of human sexuality.
Please, Please, PLEASE set your own standard and ignore his. You can't change him, you can only change you. Seeing yourself as God sees you is undoubtedly a good start.
The addict does not have your best interest at heart. He is a self-centered, manipulative 12 year old who only has one thing on his mind. PLEASE do not allow him to make you feel bad about yourself. Please?
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 7:59:27 GMT -7
Thanks DW
See I exercied and diet for the wrong reasons at the beginning but now I do it for me. I had loads of confidence in myself at the beginning and he ripped that apart.Now I have confidence getting back to what it was before all this. It was hard but I'm getting there.
Also I have considered cosmetic surgery but then I thought that's something that I may look back on and hate it for doing it for the wrong reasons. That will be thought about years down the track if I feel the need. It will not be for him at all!!
I don't compare myself to the women in porn as I know that they have been abused and forced to make themselves to look like that in order to feel they have value when I know they are as important as me.
However it's not just the porn that has poisoned his mind. It's society! You can see all around you how women dress so that they feel they have value. Unfortunely I can't change the world.
Now I completely agree that he has an unrealistic view of the female body and human sexuality. The thing is, How do I show him what natural beauty is when all of his life it's been everywhere, not just in porn! I can't ignore his view if we are to work at this. I can make sure that it doesn't ruin my view of myself however. But the point is I can't give myself to someone who thinks I'm ugly even if I know I'm not. The same way I don't hang around with people that don't like me. But in order to make a new relationship how can he see the truth when he has been brainwashed his whole life? He does try to see it but when you've been seeing this your whole life how do you change it?
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 8:15:56 GMT -7
I think that is an impossible goal, Hopefull. Part of co-dependence is believing you can or should be responsible for changing another person. You can't change him. The only person you can change is you. You have to learn to let go of the notion that you can change him. The world has admittedly poisoned the minds of many. You cannot change it. All you can do is dress modestly and let the husband know that you respect yourself enough not to flaunt that which should be saved for the marital bed. If he doesn't appreciate that, well....too bad.
I applaud you for setting your own unwavering, independent health related standard. You live in your body. Only you know how you feel physically and emotionally. Don't let the world set the standard by which you are judged or by which you judge yourself. You can't make him see the truth. He has to see it for himself. Mae West, Marilyn Monroe...sex symbols of their time......and neither were twigs. Be yourself. Be who God intended you to be.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 8:55:28 GMT -7
Thanks DW.
I'm going to quote from this site
'I’m convinced that a man’s wife is his greatest asset in the battle against lust; your involvement and support can make a huge difference, because you can minister to him like no other human being on earth.'
I may not be able to change him but I can help him to open his eyes and see the truth. It is however his choice whether or not he sees it.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 8:59:06 GMT -7
Also, just wondering. Have you left you're husband now or what's happening. I completely understand how massively hurt you would be. I only had 6 years blacked out and tainted by my husband. I've thrown out everything that I wore and got in those years so as not to have reminders. I can't even look at pictures of my babies now. I've tried to delete it all.You've had alot longer.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 9:17:39 GMT -7
Have not left my husband. A brief recap: I found the porn stash July 5, 2009. I found him falling down drunk January 30, 2011. He's been to SA, so see counselors, takes prozac, been through rehab for alcohol, goes to AA. He lost his job end of November. I now have reason to suspect that he has a budding addiction to pain medication, vicodin and percocet.
My "husband" is really sick. I think he is permanently and totally disabled by his addictions. I don't think he will ever work again. His reasoning skills are non-existent. I realize that I will support him for the rest of his life whether I stay with him or not. It's easier to do that if we are under the same roof. We are not married or husband and wife in any sense. We are roommates. If I thought that I could have the type of marriage that I envisioned, I would leave in a heartbeat. But......I don't think I can ever trust a man again. I have such a poor view of the male of the species I find it difficult to view them as anything other than predators. That's not conducive to building a new relationship. I'm staying for now, but I realize that I am terribly vulnerable to any man who can carry on a conversation at an adult level. My "husband" is a child. But it takes me a nanosecond to go from "he seems like a nice guy" to "he's a male member on two legs." Intellectually, I realize this is a direct result of what I've been through, but that intellectual realization doesn't help with the emotional piece.
For now, I'm staying. I'm building a business, loving every minute of it, and spending quality time with my pups. They give me true joy.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2012 10:21:22 GMT -7
I completely understand about seeing ALL men differently. I don't want them to look at me and divide me up into sex bits for their use. I want to look good but hide it from them. I don't like going out in public for entertainment anymore because I just end up judging them all and making myself miserable or full of hatred. If anything I'll end up a lesbian if me and my husband don't work.
It's also hard if you have a constant reminder living with you of all the pain you've gone through, But I also understand that financially it is easier, but everyday is crap. You have to weigh up the different types of crap and just go with which ever is easier.
It's GREAT that you're building a business though! It's such a relief to get all that crap out of your head when you focus on work stuff. Especially if it's things you like doing. Good for you.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2012 7:10:57 GMT -7
LOL....I've joked that in my next life I want to be gay. Seems these "men" have that effect on us. LOL.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2012 3:39:34 GMT -7
Just had a discussion with my co-workers. Each of us seems to have married a needy man. We all joked about returning to this life as a Lesbian. LOL.
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