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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2012 2:19:16 GMT -7
I want this in intro though I signed up in the fall I have not been active until now. On August 30th smy husband confessed to me all his encounters. It started by him just needing to "come clean" so we could as he said, "finally have a real and honest and close relationship" He didn't know why he had to tell me everything, he had no clue he was a sex addict or even what that was. We now know he has suffered from sex addiction since childhood. For some reason giving a name to it and knowing other people have this problem really helped him. (not me) Turns out he has had sexual encounters with the two closest female family members I had growing up, as well as co-worker, and just other nasty people we have known through the years. From what He was addicted to porn so these women apparently were the "type who would want to have sex" He didn't feel he could get better than their type. I can assure you I am NOTHING like these women. So basically every infidelity of his was a double betrayal to me. But, I don't matter, it's not me, and blah blah blah... How does this have NOTHING to do with me if it was his hate for me holding him accountable that fueled his hate and anger that set him off? These events happened in times of stress and especially if he was mad at me. He would tell himself things like "its ok, my wife doesn't love me, she doesn't praise me enough, she makes me help with the kids and house, she makes me explain lies and fronts me out on them therefore she hates me" He purposely chose people he knew would cause me the greatest pain is what I believe. The attraction was the "wrongness" of it he says. That once he targeted in he could not stop and didn't even think it was an option. That it was JUST SEX to him. People who prostitute for their own addictions, steal from our home and children, have stds like Herpes, HIV, and Hep C amoung other lesser and curable diseases. Again, the more wrong the better, so if they have HIV and is my sister or cousin and it is done in my home and while he is on the phone with me or I am asleep in the other room then that is sexy?? Someone make me understand.
Since recovery started last year he is deeply ashamed of that and can't understand how that was. I have been trying to find some way to NOT think of these betrayals as personally against me. Can someone tell me how that is true? If it is just about thrilling wrongness and danger why not go to some street prostitute? They have diseases too, its adultry too, its disgusting too. Is it truly just because the real thrill was hurting me or feeling even with me for insisting he be an accountable adult?
I am so lost. Yet he has come far in the past several months. He is a totally different father and partner. So why can't I see any thing better in him than his lovely acts of betrayal? Is there something wrong with me?
He claims his attraction and love for me has now been completely rekindled. That he wants to grow old together. He wants to do whatever it takes to help me heal and make me happy and take care of me. I see the sincerity but it hasn't helped me.
I am not the same person and I think who I was died in a way. The thought of being the old happy me who loved everyone, loved her husband and would defend him to the death' is gone. I feel no security in the world. God am I in bad shape. I don't know how or why but any decisions seem like a bad idea...
So can sex addiction be this personalized to hurting the wife and still not be personal?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2012 6:15:42 GMT -7
May,
As an addict, not a spouse, I've hesitated to reply to your recent posts. I'm also a little overwhelmed by the number of cries for understanding and by the intensity of the abuse. I can't offer a tithe of what you want and deserve.
Still, I want to try to share what I can out of my own experience.
I hear you asking how he can have been so hurtful, and doesn't his hate show that it is about you? I can't answer that completely, of course. I'm not him; I've never met him; my own behavior, while abusive, was much less extreme than his. But I can try to share how it worked for me, which might perhaps offer some point of connection.
For me, the abusive anger that was part of my addictive modus operandi came, I think, from 3 places. First, I tried to control the people around me because I was also trying and failing to control myself. Second, I was angry at them because I was angry at myself, and I turned that anger outward. I wonder if your husband's intensely hurtful actions toward you also comes from an unusually virulent self-loathing? One might develop that after behaving as he did, of course, but I wonder if it wasn't already present, and then just reinforced by the repeated betrayals. Certainly what you say about his choice of partners and his actions could make sense in someone acting to reaffirm his conviction of his own worthlessness.
Third and most importantly, I think I created drama and exploded in rage because in my mind it justified my addictive acting out. You're oppressing me and not meeting my needs, and therefore of course I'm justified in going away and getting them met somewhere else. I'll show you. (Though of course, in fact, I hid.) Some of the anger was over real grievances, but they never justified the magnitude of the rage, and of course, they did not justify the visual adultery (which is as far as I went).
So in the end, while there was rage and abuse toward my wife and kids, I'm really persuaded that it wasn't about them. It was about my insecurities, my addiction, my negative view of myself.
Please understand that I'm not saying that to minimize my actions, to suggest that I should be forgiven, to argue that I didn't harm them. I'm just trying to give as accurate a view as I can of what was going on in a disordered mind and heart.
There may be more things I could say, but let me quit now and cut it short. I'd be happy to try again later.
One other thing, though? I think in another of your posts you talk about the lack of local meetings for you. I'm not sure what sorts of meetings you're open to, but COSA lists a Cincinnati meeting at cosa-recovery.org/states/Ohio.html as well as a couple others a little farther north in western Ohio. There's also one in Louisville. It might at least be worth a phone call and a visit. There's also Alanon, of course, which in my more remote area includes families of people struggling not just with alcohol but with a wide range of addictions and dysfunctional behaviors. I've attended a few meetings, and think very highly of the fellowship.
Peace. May you find the serenity you so very much deserve.
Tim M. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2012 14:59:24 GMT -7
Thanks for the reply. I will read again in the morning and try to really take it all in.
I have contacted the Cincinnati one at least 3 times by email and have even signed up giving them all my information and never heard a word back. Louisville and other places are close to a 2 hour drive one way and I have 4 kids at home one of which is autistic. But thank you for showing such an interest.
Until later,
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2012 5:37:18 GMT -7
Your story literally breaks my heart. The depths this addiction can take people, on both sides, is just deplorable.
I can only hope that God will help you walk through the doors of some type of support group. I noticed that the COSA group in your area lists a meeting place and time. I can only suggest that you RUN to that meeting, and help yourself. No amount of emails, online forums, or internet chat rooms could ever replace the genuine personal connections I've made in the rooms of SA, AA, and CR.
There is hope, and there is help.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2012 20:01:11 GMT -7
Hi do dog here. I can ideNtifyy.... Ihave been in a similar situation I'm engage to a sa. We have been together for four years. Engaged once befor My fiancé has been involved sexually with many men I know ..
With associates in my office. Threesomes. Lesbian episodes. When she is mad at me there she goEs The landlord. The baker and the candlestick maker. She also says it's just sex it's means nothing. No relationships. She likes married men because there is no risk of other involvement but sex....I am a recovery drug addict and I have given her many reasons to leave me. I am guilty....we have similar backgrounds. We both have been raped lived in the worst of families. Rape incest and drugs and alcohol was the answer... When I was very young and teething my family rubbed tincture of opium on my gums. No holding no empathy no I love you. Here have some drugs and go to bed I moved eighteen times from sf to ny to Houston. All in our sick nucleus of a sick family. I was trained you are an island you need no one. My mom resent died of alcoholism. My fiancé had a very similar experience rape incest by her step father... My solution was to kill the pain with alcohol and drugs. She chose sex to kill her pain she was looking for kindness and seCurity. Older men And got left emptier with every episode. We are now working a program of recovery I told her get help or leave. I am a successful professional and I often wonder if I am one in a long string of relationships. Where she is looking for security and stability for her and her two kids.
We were so drawn to one
another because unspoken heart messages. Our damages hearts found one another . I believe god put uS together for our healing. We live rurally but god put a therapist right down the street from my home. She iis a lovely Christian woman older wisE an was once a prostitute my fiancé has never been willing to get or thought she needed help nothing was wrong. We had a confession Episode where she spilled hEr guts but the sex episodes continued. She now has nine months without acting out. We go to meetings together
We have similar histories we chose different avenues to get relief for the pain. I cannot judge her"....... We work together diligently to recover from our addictions we love one another dearly and are committed to healing. She forgives me and I her. I strongly believe god give grace and has put us together I don't know if I can stay if she has another sex episode she doesn't know if she can stay if I use again.
It is known fact that addicts chose addicts to have relationships and marry.... I would encourage you to look at why you chose him. In gods grace I similarly encourage to examine your life for abandonment and family hurts. It takes courage to do this. My gal said I was the addict get help. She's fine as god would have she sees herself with new and true eyes.. we want to see one another healed.... She loves me. I love her. We are closer than anything I could ever hope for. With gods mercy and grace I hope and want to spend the rest of my life with her...
I know your situation is different than mine yet the same the abandonment and love issues hurt real deep.
Pray hard love easy. Slow with decisions. SepEration may help while you process your heart
God loves you more than you know.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2012 21:43:51 GMT -7
He claims his attraction and love for me has now been completely rekindled. MayB, thanks for sharing. I guess you are the one to decide how you feel, what you think? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2012 21:47:02 GMT -7
For me, the abusive anger that was part of my addictive modus operandi came, I think, from 3 places. First, I tried to control the people around me because I was also trying and failing to control myself. Second, I was angry at them because I was angry at myself, and I turned that anger outward. I wonder if your husband's intensely hurtful actions toward you also comes from an unusually virulent self-loathing? One might develop that after behaving as he did, of course, but I wonder if it wasn't already present, and then just reinforced by the repeated betrayals. Certainly what you say about his choice of partners and his actions could make sense in someone acting to reaffirm his conviction of his own worthlessness. Third and most importantly, I think I created drama and exploded in rage because in my mind it justified my addictive acting out. You're oppressing me and not meeting my needs, and therefore of course I'm justified in going away and getting them met somewhere else. I'll show you. (Though of course, in fact, I hid.) Some of the anger was over real grievances, but they never justified the magnitude of the rage, and of course, they did not justify the visual adultery (which is as far as I went). So in the end, while there was rage and abuse toward my wife and kids, I'm really persuaded that it wasn't about them. It was about my insecurities, my addiction, my negative view of myself. Tim, thanks for sharing. I find it really helpful and it gives me something some of what you share. |
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