Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2006 21:02:12 GMT -7
Hi all, i'm a 34yr old female who has been lurking around on this site for about 7 months now, reading and absorbing everything i possibly could, trying to find other like minded individuals, who share some of the same struggles, regardless of gender. This site has been extremely eye opening and informative and for that i'd like to say thank you.
My struggle has been going on for about 6 years now since we purchased our first computer....but first a tad bit about myself.....I've been a born again christian since i was about 5...i grew up in a stable home, my parents have been married for 39 years, i woke up every morning,without fail, to my mother sitting on the couch with her coffee studying God's word....i attended private school and one year of bible college...i married my husband after my freshman year and we started a family.
It was all so innocent at first...i started playing solitare, then realized there were so many other games out there.....before i knew it, and it didn't take long, i found myself in games with other people, REAL people i could react with....i loved it.....as we all know most online chatting stears it's way towards sexual talk and i was absolutely open to it and got a real thrill out of it...."wow, i can turn a Man on by just my typed words?"...i carried on like that for about 6months.....then i started sliding down the slippery slope...i became exlusive to One Man online, He did it for me, i could feel myself having feelings for Him...i gave Him my phone number, and we started engaging in regular phone sex...the urge to be with this Man consumed my every thought, my very life...as we progressed our sexual boundaries had no limits, heck it was safe, it was just online, so i thought.....i bought a cam and started sharing my body with Him....my sexual purity for my husband was being seared.....our sexual fantasies got deeper and darker....pretty soon i found myself watching porn even when He wasn't around....at first straight porn did it for me....then i moved on to women on women, then on to the filthiest....i knew it was wrong, but the bait had been set...i couldn't get enough...i was 100% addicted to phone sex, porn, and masturbation.
During this whole time my husband was not so naive....he caught me many times "chatting"...it would crush Him to the point He would explode...the last episode led Him to get His knife out and slice the ethernet cord in two. .. My husband is a strong Man, full of wisdom, a Man of conviction, loving, gentle, kind hearted, good provider, always forgiving, God fearing, and very much in love with me and our children....He has truly been like the picture of Christ to me...........so knowing that God has truly blessed me with a wonderul Man i continue to lie and manipulate Him into beleiving that "i don't chat, i'm fine, i'm just looking at recipes"........I'm still very much in the height of my addiction i've even crossed the line from fantasy and reality and have met up with someone in real life. i truly see no way out, because my heart, which was once so sensitive to the Spirit has turned dark and cold...my heart has deceived me, who will save me from this body of death?...i feel like i'm swimming in filth, but i can't smell it, i'm numb.....How does one change if they don't even feel the guilt anymore?...but deep inside i have a heart for God, i know i do...i lay in the bed with my children every night and we have the best prayers...i want soo badly for them to grow up to be Godly women...i want them to everything i want to be, a servant to the Living God, a vessel of honor....
this is soo long and i apologize.....but TWO things i've been thinking about that MIKE has mentioned........
1. something from Your past has made You like this....father issues etc.
not in my case, it's a sin that lies in the flesh issue
2. Masturbation is wrong........
i've masturbated since my earliest recollection....maybe i dealt with the guilt by age 7, not sure....but it's always been a part of my life....i have never needed porn to stimulate that in me, my husband enjoys it when he's involved...He's never made me feel like it's wrong......i never feel bad about self-pleasure, is my coinsence just seared?...i do it all the time.
My struggle has been going on for about 6 years now since we purchased our first computer....but first a tad bit about myself.....I've been a born again christian since i was about 5...i grew up in a stable home, my parents have been married for 39 years, i woke up every morning,without fail, to my mother sitting on the couch with her coffee studying God's word....i attended private school and one year of bible college...i married my husband after my freshman year and we started a family.
It was all so innocent at first...i started playing solitare, then realized there were so many other games out there.....before i knew it, and it didn't take long, i found myself in games with other people, REAL people i could react with....i loved it.....as we all know most online chatting stears it's way towards sexual talk and i was absolutely open to it and got a real thrill out of it...."wow, i can turn a Man on by just my typed words?"...i carried on like that for about 6months.....then i started sliding down the slippery slope...i became exlusive to One Man online, He did it for me, i could feel myself having feelings for Him...i gave Him my phone number, and we started engaging in regular phone sex...the urge to be with this Man consumed my every thought, my very life...as we progressed our sexual boundaries had no limits, heck it was safe, it was just online, so i thought.....i bought a cam and started sharing my body with Him....my sexual purity for my husband was being seared.....our sexual fantasies got deeper and darker....pretty soon i found myself watching porn even when He wasn't around....at first straight porn did it for me....then i moved on to women on women, then on to the filthiest....i knew it was wrong, but the bait had been set...i couldn't get enough...i was 100% addicted to phone sex, porn, and masturbation.
During this whole time my husband was not so naive....he caught me many times "chatting"...it would crush Him to the point He would explode...the last episode led Him to get His knife out and slice the ethernet cord in two. .. My husband is a strong Man, full of wisdom, a Man of conviction, loving, gentle, kind hearted, good provider, always forgiving, God fearing, and very much in love with me and our children....He has truly been like the picture of Christ to me...........so knowing that God has truly blessed me with a wonderul Man i continue to lie and manipulate Him into beleiving that "i don't chat, i'm fine, i'm just looking at recipes"........I'm still very much in the height of my addiction i've even crossed the line from fantasy and reality and have met up with someone in real life. i truly see no way out, because my heart, which was once so sensitive to the Spirit has turned dark and cold...my heart has deceived me, who will save me from this body of death?...i feel like i'm swimming in filth, but i can't smell it, i'm numb.....How does one change if they don't even feel the guilt anymore?...but deep inside i have a heart for God, i know i do...i lay in the bed with my children every night and we have the best prayers...i want soo badly for them to grow up to be Godly women...i want them to everything i want to be, a servant to the Living God, a vessel of honor....
this is soo long and i apologize.....but TWO things i've been thinking about that MIKE has mentioned........
1. something from Your past has made You like this....father issues etc.
not in my case, it's a sin that lies in the flesh issue
2. Masturbation is wrong........
i've masturbated since my earliest recollection....maybe i dealt with the guilt by age 7, not sure....but it's always been a part of my life....i have never needed porn to stimulate that in me, my husband enjoys it when he's involved...He's never made me feel like it's wrong......i never feel bad about self-pleasure, is my coinsence just seared?...i do it all the time.