Needs help and support

Holly,

I'm an addict, not a spouse, but since the board is rather quiet, I wanted to make sure you got a timely reply.

First, I'd encourage you strongly not to be embarrassed and not to feel that your attractiveness is in any way an issue.  I was stuck in this pattern long before I met my wife.  I find my wife quite attractive.  Yet still, I spent 30 years acting out with porn behind her back.  Nearly every other married addict I know will tell the same story.  This addiction is about our defects, not about you.

If he is interested in getting better and is open to 12-step programs (like AA), there are a lot of resources in Winnipeg.  SAA has meetings 6 nights a week.  See saa-recovery.org/Meetings/Canada/meeting.php?state=MB .  SA also has 2 meetings a week.  See sa.org/top/Canada/Manitoba/ .

One source of possible support for you is S-Anon, like Alanon for partners and friends of sex addicts.  Their Winnipeg contact is sanon.org/meetings/meetingscanadamb.html .  I also have a little experience with Alanon, and the meeting I've attended in this area would certainly be open to people like yourself dealing with a spouse whose addiction is not to alcohol.  Other meetings might be different, but it's worth a phone call or a visit.  The Co-Dependents Recovery Society also has a meeting in Winnipeg, www.cdrs.ca/Meetings/man.html .

One thing I think you'll hear strongly from other wives here is that in the end, you don't have control over your addicted husband.  You didn't cause his addiction, and you can't cure his addiction.  You can look after yourself, and try to find a life of peace either with or without him.  Looking for help for yourself is your right, whether he goes along or not, and getting yourself better helps both you and your kids.  Talking with a physician or a counselor - perhaps someone recommended by the marriage counselor, if you trust that person - about your stress and depression is important.  Embarrassed?  Don't be.  You haven't done anything to be embarrassed about, and by looking for help you're fighting for yourself, for your son, and for that baby.

This isn't a pleasant thing to say or to hear, but addicts lie and hide really well, so what you know may be a tithe of what's real.  It's possible his problem is only porn and e-mail.  After 30 or 40 years, I was still at that level.  But especially since you're pregnant, having a full STD panel done is a pretty useful piece of insurance.  I wish it weren't so.

Should your husband decide he wants to get better - really wants to with all his heart - then there is a lot of hope.  People find freedom from all kinds of addictions every day.  Until he does, please look after yourself.  There's a lot of hope for you, too.

Enough.  Be well.  This board is very quiet now, but I hope you'll hear from others in your situation soon.

Tim M.