Understanding the "Big M"

I have so much to write.....so much to say.  I'll start with a background, and truly would like some imput, as my situation is much different than others.  My husband:  At age 13 his oldest brother gave him a porn mag.  He was caught thereafter by his father who stated "that will drain your energy and you will never amount to anything"....well my hub has an addictive nature.  This was a total shock to me after marriage.  He was into illegal drugs, and prescription pills growing up.  During a time at a mental hosp. (I think that was where he was) he was saved.  We were both working at a Christian rehab....so I didn't know much about his past.  My background:  Grew up in the country, great work ethic, grew up in the church, and saved at age 8, am conservative.  I never knew anything about sex...so when I got married I just thought you learned together as you go.  I never understood anything about me being satisfied.  SO, much to say here.  My hub had health issues, so maintaining was an issue, getting off was an issue, etc.  This I thought was normal.  Well, behind the scenes he was "spanking the monkey"...again, I never understood this.  When we were first married, I would wake up in the middle of the night, and the TV was locked away with him in his study.  Clueless!  We moved around a lot when first married...so I discovered some mags in a burn barrel, he stated he was getting rid of them...I was like "ok", again, that was my first "discovery"....through disappointments in his ministry, and our lives...he always clung to this....later on, it was revealed to me about the drugs.  So I thought, oh it's the drugs...clueless about "sex addiction" or porn addiction...etc.  My hub has struggled with the drug addiction throughout our marriage.  It has destroyed us at times. Lead up to his health problems....heart surgery.... He has been in and out of rehab, jail, etc.  Thee most amazing part of this, my family has NO CLUE about my life or his.  So, at some point this took a toll on me.  I was in chat rooms (after  years of marriage), chatting.  I never understood anything sexual, as I was a conservative Christian girl/lady, we had a "typical" marriage.  Well, later on the chat room stuff stopped for me.  I sometimes would have an occasional fantasy about a co-worker, but nothing great.  I went onto a great new job, and it was there, for some stupid reason I thought "here is where I'll meet the guy I'll have an affair with"..dumb right?  I was so emotionally hungry, after rejection from my spouse....oh I forgot to mention, after about 8 years of marriage, my hub really started having "issues" with performance.  Then after his last rehab stent, his medication made it truly impossible for erection.  Thus, I wasn't having sex with him....and masturbation, was something that never interested me, nor did anything for me...seriously.  He always thought I was a prude cuz I didn't, but it really wasn't my thing, and I thought my hub was suppose to satisfy me.  SO, as of right now, my hub and I are close to 9 years with no sex.  So, anyways.....at the point of that new job...I met some guy over the phone, who was from out of state....long story short, he was 20 yrs older than me, experienced, and brought out this sexuality that I've never known...I was also in my "peak" as they say....so he taught me a lot, told me a lot and I could ask him about anything or talk about anything....at home if I said "the M word" it would end up in a huge argument/fight...etc.  Avoid that.  Anyways...during this time, I had got laid off, so you know what they say about idle hands...yes indeed.  I would pay for the plane ticket, hotel, food etc and meet with my "FWB" and yeah, he had fun....but I didn't.  I would feel so guilty, and feeling this was so wrong.  Another note, MY HUSBAND approved, and told me to have a boyfriend....he said I needed to be satisfied....thus, would wish me a good weekend and off I would go.  But sexually I still wasn't satisfied.  I never had an orgasim in my life, not now....I believed this was impossible.  My fwb told me to get a "toy"..and I was beyond embarassed to do that....but I did.  This was the first time I've ever experienced an "o"....I guess I was sorta excited with this at first....but after awhile it too didn't fill the void.  Long story short, I finally got tired of the long distance stuff, and spending all my retirement money on this dude.  I went on Craigslist, and found someone, local.  He and I are still friends to this day.  We're both married, and live close by....but only email or text.  (When we first met we would make-out)....anyhoo.  I'm probably writing too much, and saying too much...but I feel so bad for my past.....I started to get into the whole CL thing, as I liked the attention, the emailing, the friendship...but that too, empty.  My husband only knew of the FWB, and never knew I basically paid him to come here, and I treated him like a king.  I have been back and forth with the whole CL thing...finally, giving up on it.  I did have a Christian friend, who stopped talking to me, as he has changed his life, grown closer to the Lord.  I also have one last "Friend" who adores me, and respects me.....and yet I'm struck with guilt yet again......since his son is nearly my age!  He's a grandpa.....but he was the first man to actually get me to orgasim....(I haven't had sex in over two years, since my FWB.....never had "real" sex)...SO fast forward til today......I only email these two guys, and it's usual talk NO sex talk, or "dirty flirty"....I went to a new church, and there topic was about sexual addiction, so I feel I'm in a church that isn't being fluffy and not talking about this stuff....I've repented, I've turned from meeting men, being on CL, etc.  MY next topic here, is about the whole masturbation issue.....for my hub, he states he isn't horny, nor does he do that.  He locks his study when he leaves the house, I've found pics, etc in the trash, then one day he went through the trash, to see if I went through it...he was hurt by me going through it...I don't think I will ever trust him...but for now, I just seek the Lord, pray, and live a sex free life with my husband.  Oh, but I do have a toy....so I've been on here, reading about how masturbation is ok if no fantasy, and stuff....I don't have any fantasy when I do it.  Sometimes, maybe 2 or 3 times a month, I need to do it....just curious about this..and what is everyone's thought on it?  My hub claims he can't get hard, or erection is hard to achieve, also getting off is painful (he also gets testoserone injections due to low levels of test.)....and I hope this whole story makes  abit of sense....I've jumped around a lot, and tried to hit on all the topics and thoughts in my head....input please.  I'm just curious about what others think....as of now, I feel like I'm back to myself.....just a plain boring life....which is fine.  The problem is, I'm unemployed, love to talk, and need people to talk with....I've even tried to tell my hub about the "other men" but someone once told me not to...I know it would make him feel like a "failure" for not meeting my needs....not sure what else to say here, but my hub deals with addiction, depression, pain, etc....health issues (heart, neck and back pain)..so his health is part of it...but what about my needs?  Is it ok to use a toy?  Again, I would appreciate good biblical imput and advice...thanks for reading!