Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2012 10:05:49 GMT -7
Hi, I've been looking around here for a while and I have to say it's the most positive place I've found so far. 
Now I haven't introduce myself or give a back story because I'm not very good at talking and to be honest I don't want to remember it all again sooo, I've just a question and hope maybe you could give me advice.
Ok, so, mmmm, I discovered porn on my hubbys pc 2 years ago and confronted him and he lied for the following 2 years until I stumbled upon it again about 8 weeks ago. Now I've been through the turmoil and had my ups and downs and actually that's still going on. Anyways, I've been thinking.
The man I thought I loved didn't actually exist, therefore I'm grief stricken. I feel that I shouldn't start a 'new' relationship until I have recovered from my loss (albeit an illusion) So would I be better to separate completely for a while and then consider the possiblity of getting back together or should I go through all this hurt and pain while having this 'new' man in my home. I'm also afraid that if I do try to continue with this relationship that I may end up resenting him in the future and I wouldn't want that to happen because despited this problem he is a very good man. At the moment I can't feel the love I had, I don't know is it because I'm hurting so much or because this isn't 'my' man. Even though my man never existed....
Thanks for any replys in advance. And well done to all of you by the way! I really mean that |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2012 11:40:07 GMT -7
Hi Hopefull,
If he is finally acknowledging his problem and getting help, leaving might send the message that you are completely giving up on him, no matter what you may say. Pain is certainly going to keep the warm fuzzies away for a while. It is understandable that you will need some distance, and even to back up and start at a dating level. I usually think of separation as a last resort, to try and break someone out of denial.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2012 23:43:13 GMT -7
Thanks for that. See we don't have ANY support here. We went to a counsellor who I researched and thought she would be the most quailified to help us but she didn't seem to understand our problem and focused on other issues that weren't even issues at all! It was very dissapointing. There isn't anybody else here. Everybody I know seems to think that porn is ok and obviously I have a problem and I know that's not true. I am completely right in this but we've no support to help us through this. Which is good in a way because I seem to be doing alot of thinking for myself and trusting my feelings and thoughts which has made me more confident in myself. I'm doing all the thinking instead of relying on other people's opinions.
But we're at a loss in trying to figure out if he has a porn problem or was it a miscommunication and selfishness problem. He seems to completely understand the damage it has caused and is also a a disbelief that nobody else seems to see the damage it can cause now that he sees it. I feel bad for him because he doesn't have anybody else to talk to except for me and I know I am really the best person for him to talk to be we're stuck on a few things and I don't know the answers. I also feel bad for myself but I've found this site which is really really great but I would love to have a person to talk to aswell.
I suppose that the right thing to do would be to stay. I just hope that in the future I won't hold all this against him and end up doing more damage to our relationship. We have 2 kids so I want us to get on for them and for ourselves.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2012 0:02:00 GMT -7
Hi Hopefull,
You might want to check out www.settingcaptivesfree.com
You can always send me a PM if you don't want to share something on the boards.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2012 9:42:54 GMT -7
Hopefull,
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm not sure where you are located that you can not get help or someone to talk to. I am in Afghanistan right now serving in the military and away from my family. You ask about seperation and if it might help, and I have to agree with truthseeker, that if you do seperate, he may think that you have given up on him and the relationship. I know that when I came back from my 2nd deployment and I was caught, she kicked me out of the bedroom and I slept in the office. At the time we only had our first son and we wanted him to grow up with a father. After 3 months of living in the office and going out on dates, going to counseling, support groups and us talking, she let me back in the same bed with her. My 3rd deployment went alot better but I still had problems with pornography. It's a drug that once you are hooked, it is hard to get off it. And it isn't illegal or cost anything, except your relationship with your spouse, kids, family and friends. It can take over all of your senses and blind you to what is true and not. This is my 4th deployment now and I am still trying to rebuild my relationship with my wife do to pornography. There are times where I feel like I can defeat it and then there are times where the littles thing can trigger something inside my mind and go and start looking again. It is a constant battle that I know that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. Be strong for your husband and if you is all he has to help him through this, then be there for him. Not in a sexual way but as the loving spouse who wants this relationship to work out. And you know that we are here now. Show him the site. Let him read the stories of other who are recoverying and let him know that he is not alone.
I will be praying for you and your family, to come closer together and can defeat this sin of the flesh that has come between the both of you. I still have a long way to go and my wife is still with me and always praying for me. There is still hope so long as you are both willing to work through it.
God Bless you and remember that only through him can we be victorious in our struggles.
Tired
|
|
