Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2011 8:49:17 GMT -7
I found out two months ago that the last eight years of my life have been a huge sham. I found a picture on my husbands computer of himself, naked. He told me it was something he was going to send to me, but decided against it. His excuse seemed fishy, so I investigated further on his computer and found secret e-mail accounts where he was getting onto chat rooms and having cyber sex with anyone and everyone who was willing. He would masturbate for tons of people to see, the conversations between him and other men and women were sickening. It took about three weeks for me to play detective and get what I thought was the whole story, where he had hidden facebook pages and was talking to numerous women on there, he was talking to girls he went to school with and friends of the family in our home town.
He is in the military, so I find much of this was happening the moment he had to go to a school or deployment, which unfortunately, there have been plenty over the years. After seeing a chaplain, he finally confided everything to me. He had his first online emotional affair when he went to Iraq during OIF 1. I found out about that, and he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him, to work on the marriage, he'd go to counseling, etc., etc. but he had to go to a school shortly after he came back, and then we had to move to a new base where he was getting ready to deploy again. Working on us went on the back burner. I was due to have baby #3 while he was away and was dealing with my own hell of how to do everything on my own, with no help or support, and two other little ones under the age of 4. Things were great once he came back from deployment #2, but I now know, a few weeks before he came home, he had a one month affair with a fellow soldier I thought he couldn't stand. No one in the unit could, they made fun of her all the time, but somehow he ended up in bed with her for a month straight. A few months after he came home from Iraq, when I thought things were so great between us, he had to go to a 2 month long school, where I now know he had an affair with the barely legal cousin of one of his buddies. She was cute, young, had fake boobs and was willing, so he did. I never had a clue. Shortly after, we were moved to a remote area where there was not a lot of other military or support. I quickly became good friends with the secretary at my husbands office, and her husband and my husband hit it off, and our kids were close to the same age. I had just had baby #4 in such a short span and realized right away how much work four small children entailed. My husband was working alot and not very helpful on that front and things between us weren't always great then. We did family activities with our new friends almost weekly, though, even attended church services and activities together. I had suspicions about my husband and friend after a New Year's party at their house where everyone was drunk besides me, and I watched my husband and friend act like middle schoolers in love the entire night and my husband forgot I was even there. After I confronted him the next day, he swore nothing was going on, maybe things had gotten to emotional with my friend, but he'd do whatever it took to make us good again, to get help, to work on our marriage. Little did I know that my friend and husband had been sleeping together for months, and would continue for a few weeks more until they were nearly caught at work, but then decided to stop. The emotional never stopped though, I then found hidden e-mail and myspace accounts between the two of them, and I was done. My husband was getting sent to Korea and I was going to take the kids, go home and forget him. He begged and pleaded to spend the year in Korea getting help and therapy and working on our marriage. He wanted nothing more than to be the best person and husband he could be, and the best father to our kids. I now know he volunteered to go to Korea to get away from this girl he didn't think he could stay away from on his own. We ended up losing our home to foreclosure when he went to Korea, though, and have a huge financial setback from that. The moment he touched down in Korea, he started talking to other women online. He had Tagged and f**kbook accounts left and right and was trying to hook up with Korean women however and whenever he could. I found an e-mail he sent to a friend about this girl in Korea who was so into him, and wouldn't stop calling him, and he was always taking her to work and out to dinner and the movies, and she was just so head over heals for him it was unreal. I confronted him, and he spent about a month spinning this whole story about how it was his friends girlfriend and he was just taking care of some of the things he did while this other guy was on leave with his wife and kids, so this Korean girls wouldn't dump him, because she was already mad he left. After weeks of talking with the divorce lawyer, my husband changed my mind and had me questioning whether or not I was the crazy one and just making this stuff up in my mind.
My mother had walked out on our family to be with her boyfriend, and once he had knocked her up, kicked her to the curb, and my dad took her back. I don't know if I just didn't want that to be my legacy either so denial was easier or what? It's terrible to think that actually believing and trusting your own spouse could be wrong? Once my husband came back from Korea, we moved yet again, and the day we were moving into our new home, I got a call that my little brother, the one I loved and raised, had been killed in a car accident. I was a mess for a long time. I thought things were good between my husband and I, although he was becoming less and less patient with my mourning. I had several health concerns at this time and major intestinal surgery, all right before he went to yet another school. This one was only a few hours away though, so there were opportunities for weekend visits and such. I now know, a week after he first got there, he started sleeping with a fellow soldier. He'd make excuses for him not to come home on weekends or have visits from me and the kids. On our anniversary, which I thought was one of our best anniversaries ever, I have chat messages where he was telling her how much he loved and missed her and hated being away from her and he couldn't wait to be back in her arms again. Even after their 9 week physical affair ended after the school was done, they spent another 2 months online with secret e-mail and facebook accounts and my husband had a disposable phone to talk to her, even though he used our phone to call and text her about 30,000 times. And I never had any clue. He'd call me 4-5 times a day to tell me he loved me. He'd text me while he was in class. He'd actually call me before and sometimes after sleeping with her to see how I was. But now I just recently find all their conversations between each other and he was telling her what a horrid wife and mother I was, how he couldn't wait to divorce me, the only reason he was still with me was for the kids. She knew that I liked to watch the home improvement shows on HGTV and he couldn't stand them. They were planning their lives together, what new furniture they would buy, what stuff they would do, where they would go on vacations. She had a daughter, and he was always saying how excited he was to be a father to her little girl.
My husband has told me way too much about each of these women and even what he did with them. None of them are particularly attractive, and even though I've had 4 kids, don't come close to me. He said sex with them wasn't even that good and he still has no idea why he was doing what he did. He didn't like the women, they would never be people he would normally associate with, but they were willing to sleep with him, and somehow that was enough, and once the sex started, he had to keep it going by telling them lies. I have no idea if I believe that. I have no idea what to believe anymore. I don't even know after so many signs that I chose not to look at over the years, if I can even trust or believe myself.
We've been to counseling with our chaplain together, and both of us individually. My husbands therapist thinks much of this addiction was triggered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when he was first in Iraq, I know much of his family history has A LOT to do with it. We both come from pretty screwed up families. I can't help but hate the military for how much we have ben apart. Every single time we have been apart, he has had an affair on me. Its like the moment I'm not there, he has to find comfort in someone else. He just can't b alone.
I don't know where to go from here. I think I could get past all the other women but the most recent one- I just don't know. I don't know if it's just because he was able to have an actual relationship with her, like dates and trips and sex whenever and wherever or what. Plus, I read thousands of messages declaring their love back and forth, too. She has contacted me several times rubbing it in, telling me all sorts of horrible details and things my husband said, too. I have nightmares about the crazy witch every night. I can't remember the last time I slept all night.
I just don't know what to do. The pain is so intense. I've contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. My kids are the only thing that has kept me here. I don't even know if I can still love him. Can I really separate him from the addiction? Every time I look at him, all I see is them. He claims he never stopped loving me through all of this, but I don't think he even has any clue what love is. I am just so tired of hurting. I see him trying, in his own way, but it's not enough. He is helping with the kids and has taken over almost all the housework, as I can barely get out of bed most days. He is going to counseling and has gone to one meeting, so far. But I am spending every second of the day reading books, looking for stuff online, trying to talk through things with him, my whole life has become about this. It makes me angry when I see him able to do normal happy things, like he can put all of this ou of his mind so easily. I hate that he can get a good 8 hours of sleep like it was nothing, while I can barely get to sleep and them am tortured my nightmares once I do. And if I have a bad day and get upset, or something triggers me, he's the one who gets angry. It's like he just wants to forget any of this ever happened and move on. I can't do that. My heart feels like it has stopped beating and I just don't know what to do. I need help.
He is in the military, so I find much of this was happening the moment he had to go to a school or deployment, which unfortunately, there have been plenty over the years. After seeing a chaplain, he finally confided everything to me. He had his first online emotional affair when he went to Iraq during OIF 1. I found out about that, and he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him, to work on the marriage, he'd go to counseling, etc., etc. but he had to go to a school shortly after he came back, and then we had to move to a new base where he was getting ready to deploy again. Working on us went on the back burner. I was due to have baby #3 while he was away and was dealing with my own hell of how to do everything on my own, with no help or support, and two other little ones under the age of 4. Things were great once he came back from deployment #2, but I now know, a few weeks before he came home, he had a one month affair with a fellow soldier I thought he couldn't stand. No one in the unit could, they made fun of her all the time, but somehow he ended up in bed with her for a month straight. A few months after he came home from Iraq, when I thought things were so great between us, he had to go to a 2 month long school, where I now know he had an affair with the barely legal cousin of one of his buddies. She was cute, young, had fake boobs and was willing, so he did. I never had a clue. Shortly after, we were moved to a remote area where there was not a lot of other military or support. I quickly became good friends with the secretary at my husbands office, and her husband and my husband hit it off, and our kids were close to the same age. I had just had baby #4 in such a short span and realized right away how much work four small children entailed. My husband was working alot and not very helpful on that front and things between us weren't always great then. We did family activities with our new friends almost weekly, though, even attended church services and activities together. I had suspicions about my husband and friend after a New Year's party at their house where everyone was drunk besides me, and I watched my husband and friend act like middle schoolers in love the entire night and my husband forgot I was even there. After I confronted him the next day, he swore nothing was going on, maybe things had gotten to emotional with my friend, but he'd do whatever it took to make us good again, to get help, to work on our marriage. Little did I know that my friend and husband had been sleeping together for months, and would continue for a few weeks more until they were nearly caught at work, but then decided to stop. The emotional never stopped though, I then found hidden e-mail and myspace accounts between the two of them, and I was done. My husband was getting sent to Korea and I was going to take the kids, go home and forget him. He begged and pleaded to spend the year in Korea getting help and therapy and working on our marriage. He wanted nothing more than to be the best person and husband he could be, and the best father to our kids. I now know he volunteered to go to Korea to get away from this girl he didn't think he could stay away from on his own. We ended up losing our home to foreclosure when he went to Korea, though, and have a huge financial setback from that. The moment he touched down in Korea, he started talking to other women online. He had Tagged and f**kbook accounts left and right and was trying to hook up with Korean women however and whenever he could. I found an e-mail he sent to a friend about this girl in Korea who was so into him, and wouldn't stop calling him, and he was always taking her to work and out to dinner and the movies, and she was just so head over heals for him it was unreal. I confronted him, and he spent about a month spinning this whole story about how it was his friends girlfriend and he was just taking care of some of the things he did while this other guy was on leave with his wife and kids, so this Korean girls wouldn't dump him, because she was already mad he left. After weeks of talking with the divorce lawyer, my husband changed my mind and had me questioning whether or not I was the crazy one and just making this stuff up in my mind.
My mother had walked out on our family to be with her boyfriend, and once he had knocked her up, kicked her to the curb, and my dad took her back. I don't know if I just didn't want that to be my legacy either so denial was easier or what? It's terrible to think that actually believing and trusting your own spouse could be wrong? Once my husband came back from Korea, we moved yet again, and the day we were moving into our new home, I got a call that my little brother, the one I loved and raised, had been killed in a car accident. I was a mess for a long time. I thought things were good between my husband and I, although he was becoming less and less patient with my mourning. I had several health concerns at this time and major intestinal surgery, all right before he went to yet another school. This one was only a few hours away though, so there were opportunities for weekend visits and such. I now know, a week after he first got there, he started sleeping with a fellow soldier. He'd make excuses for him not to come home on weekends or have visits from me and the kids. On our anniversary, which I thought was one of our best anniversaries ever, I have chat messages where he was telling her how much he loved and missed her and hated being away from her and he couldn't wait to be back in her arms again. Even after their 9 week physical affair ended after the school was done, they spent another 2 months online with secret e-mail and facebook accounts and my husband had a disposable phone to talk to her, even though he used our phone to call and text her about 30,000 times. And I never had any clue. He'd call me 4-5 times a day to tell me he loved me. He'd text me while he was in class. He'd actually call me before and sometimes after sleeping with her to see how I was. But now I just recently find all their conversations between each other and he was telling her what a horrid wife and mother I was, how he couldn't wait to divorce me, the only reason he was still with me was for the kids. She knew that I liked to watch the home improvement shows on HGTV and he couldn't stand them. They were planning their lives together, what new furniture they would buy, what stuff they would do, where they would go on vacations. She had a daughter, and he was always saying how excited he was to be a father to her little girl.
My husband has told me way too much about each of these women and even what he did with them. None of them are particularly attractive, and even though I've had 4 kids, don't come close to me. He said sex with them wasn't even that good and he still has no idea why he was doing what he did. He didn't like the women, they would never be people he would normally associate with, but they were willing to sleep with him, and somehow that was enough, and once the sex started, he had to keep it going by telling them lies. I have no idea if I believe that. I have no idea what to believe anymore. I don't even know after so many signs that I chose not to look at over the years, if I can even trust or believe myself.
We've been to counseling with our chaplain together, and both of us individually. My husbands therapist thinks much of this addiction was triggered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when he was first in Iraq, I know much of his family history has A LOT to do with it. We both come from pretty screwed up families. I can't help but hate the military for how much we have ben apart. Every single time we have been apart, he has had an affair on me. Its like the moment I'm not there, he has to find comfort in someone else. He just can't b alone.
I don't know where to go from here. I think I could get past all the other women but the most recent one- I just don't know. I don't know if it's just because he was able to have an actual relationship with her, like dates and trips and sex whenever and wherever or what. Plus, I read thousands of messages declaring their love back and forth, too. She has contacted me several times rubbing it in, telling me all sorts of horrible details and things my husband said, too. I have nightmares about the crazy witch every night. I can't remember the last time I slept all night.
I just don't know what to do. The pain is so intense. I've contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. My kids are the only thing that has kept me here. I don't even know if I can still love him. Can I really separate him from the addiction? Every time I look at him, all I see is them. He claims he never stopped loving me through all of this, but I don't think he even has any clue what love is. I am just so tired of hurting. I see him trying, in his own way, but it's not enough. He is helping with the kids and has taken over almost all the housework, as I can barely get out of bed most days. He is going to counseling and has gone to one meeting, so far. But I am spending every second of the day reading books, looking for stuff online, trying to talk through things with him, my whole life has become about this. It makes me angry when I see him able to do normal happy things, like he can put all of this ou of his mind so easily. I hate that he can get a good 8 hours of sleep like it was nothing, while I can barely get to sleep and them am tortured my nightmares once I do. And if I have a bad day and get upset, or something triggers me, he's the one who gets angry. It's like he just wants to forget any of this ever happened and move on. I can't do that. My heart feels like it has stopped beating and I just don't know what to do. I need help.