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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2011 21:35:10 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2011 17:48:58 GMT -7
LadyP,
I’m not sure if I am the right one to reply to your post because 1) I’m not a woman and 2) I’m a recovering porn addict. So I’m going to be speaking from the other side of the fence.
I too have had and an anniversary but it wasn’t when I was caught or disclosed my addiction to porn. It was my 10th wedding anniversary to my wife on Nov 14th. And this was the worst one of them all. I sent a card and had flowers sent to her but I’m not there to do more. I am recently deployed to Afghanistan for Operation Enduring Freedom and away from my wife and family. I got a Happy Anniversary on FB from her but that was it. And I don’t blame her. Ever since I have been married to her, I have been making the choice to look at pornography because it became a part of me when I made that choice so long ago to view and let it become my escape from reality. This has been a never ending battle for me until just recently when I got over here to the end of August. And she told me to that she wanted a divorce for the final time. I mean final time because she had talk about it before and I would play my front, ask for forgiveness and all was well. But this time, I felt it in my heart that this was it. I was going to lose everything. I broke down and started crying in front of everyone at our chapel while we were getting ready for a briefing. I didn’t care who saw me in the state I was in. I was done and needed to talk to someone about it or I didn’t think I would of made it through this deployment. I spoke to the Chaplain and told him everything. I told him I was tired of living this way and I needed to change for good. I have done it before, ask God for forgiveness and it worked for a while, then I would go back to wanting my cake and eating it too. But this time I wanted it gone. I wanted my wife and my kids still in my life and I didn’t want my boys to have this sin follow them when they got older. I hit rock bottom, away from everything and everything that I thought I loved but have hurt so many times and God washed me with his loving grace. I am a new person in his eyes and the eyes that sees me every day. I made my final commitment to God on Oct 1st 2011 and he has been working in me like nothing that I ever could of done by myself. As of now I have been porn and self gratification free for 64 days. And I give him all the glory, honor and praise.
The reason I am telling you this is that no matter how hard my wife wanted me to change and tried to help me, the decision was always mine to make. For 10 years I made the wrong choices and brought everything bad that has happened in my life on myself. I was blind to what it was doing to my wife, kids, family and friends. It changed the way I saw everyone and everything. I was living in a lie and being a puppet on a string for Satan and his amusement. But never again will I fall trap to the sexual sins of this world or in my dreams.
You husband needs to want to change. He needs to hit that rock bottom and finally see over the clouds that have been covering his eyes, heart and mind. Then and in my opinion only then that he will hit the ground on his knees and ask for forgiveness and will make a true recovery. But until that time, he is going to do what he wants, feeding his flesh and his sexual sinful nature.
You have been such a strong person in this relationship and I can see that you really do want to help your husband and have a family again. But it is destroying you and the way you see yourself. This isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve any of this. There is no magical way to get rid of the pain that your husband has caused you for the years that you have been married. I know, because of what I have put my wife through with our 10 years of marriage. I can now feel the pain, suffering, heart aches, anger, betrayal, and mistrust that you woman going through this feel. And I am truly sorry. I have told my wife this for many years and it is just words, from a lie on top of a lie, on top of a lie. She doesn’t believe me and I can’t get mad at that. All I can do is work on me and my recovery and pray that God works in her and her recovery in the spiritual, emotional and mental. I can’t do it and I have my faith and trust in him that I am a faithful and live for him that those blessing that he took away, he will give back to me.
I am praying for you and your husband for healing and strength. Satan loves breaking up marriages and destroying everything that God put together in his image. But through the storm, when the waves of the ocean stop crashing, the winds stop blowing and the rain stops pouring, the sun will shine and will start rebuilding that which the storm has destroyed.
The storm has calmed in my life and I am rebuilding from the ground up. A better and stronger foundation built on Gods words and my faith in him. I have a long way to go and have until the end of time to hopefully hear my wife says that she forgives me. Until then, my mission is to love, honor, praise and worship him. And he will do the rest.
God Bless you in your strength and healing.
Tired
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 9:57:43 GMT -7
Tomorrow will be my 26th "anniversary." Pfft. I have no sense that this is something to be celebrated. None. I've wasted 26 years of my life. I'm kinda disgusted that I allowed another year to slip on by.
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