Hi my name is AlonewithGod

Welcome, awG!  It's too bad you needed to find us.

Obviously we don't know you, we don't know your situation, and we don't know your SO.  That makes it hard for us to be a useful source of advice on questions like whether it's worth it to stay.  But based purely on my own experience as a sex addict, on the experiences of recovering sex addicts I know and on my own understanding of how addiction and recovery work, here's what I would say:

Can a man come back?  Yes, and some do.  I know sex addicts who have not acted out in their addictions for 10 or 15 years, for instance.  I know sex addicts who have found deep recovery, self-understanding, intimacy, and serenity.  It's possible.  People find freedom from all kinds of addictions every day.  For some people, addictions are the blessings we need in order to force us to become who we are called to be.

Does the recovering addict face a daily fight for the rest of his life?  Not necessarily.  Not if he's serious about recovery, and if he's blessed by God.  The AA Big Book talks about alcoholics becoming happy, joyous and free.  That can happen to us, too.  My belief, though, is that like recovering alcoholics, we are always recovering sex addicts.  I lived 40 years as an active addict.  Those years shaped my mind, my brain, my personality.  I may be working now to live a different life, but it remains easy for me to slide back into my old ways if I'm not attentive.  Again, the BIg Book says that all we have is a daily reprieve contingent on maintaining a fit spiritual condition.  Alcoholics don't always drink; sex addicts don't always act out in our addiction; but addictions like that stay a cunning, baffling and powerful part of who we are.

There is hope for all of us, but as with any other addiction, recovery is really hard, relapses are common, and many, many people never find their way out.  It's not uncommon for successful addiction recovery programs to have 10% success rates.  Sex addiction, where we, ourselves, manufacture the neurotransmitters to which we're addicted, where our drug of choice is always present in our own minds, is probably harder to recover from than most substance addictions.  Don't assume recovery is common.  Don't assume it's easy.  Don't assume our addiction is addiction lite.

That means our recovery can't be recovery lite, either.  We have to change who we are in some very deep and difficult and terrifying ways.  As the folks in NA say, there's only 1 thing that has to change - everything.  Many of us started out like you describe your SO.  We were private people who thought we could solve our problems alone by being tough guys.  I don't think that ever works.  I think real recovery absolutely requires that we work with other people, absolutely requires us to dig deep and to face and to feel things we've always been too afraid to face and to feel, and absolutely requires us to surrender, to trust others, and to give up the illusion of control.  Until we're ready to do those things, we have no more hope than a cocaine addict who says, "I'm in control.  I can quit by myself.  It's just a matter of willpower."

Is it worth it to stay?  My wife isn't an addict, so I can't answer that question from a perspective of experience.  I can only speculate.  I think, though, that the answer depends on a bunch of things:

- How serious is he about recovery?  Is he doing things like getting counseling, going to meetings, working with other addicts, reading and learning about addiction, praying and meditating and visibly becoming a new person on a daily basis?  Is recovery a major center of his life?  If so, then there's no guarantee, but he has a chance.  If not, then I think you have to assume he's going to remain an active addict.  Living with an active addict means accepting that things like secrecy and isolation and lack of emotional intimacy and unpredictable rage are always going to be part of your relationship.  It means accepting that his emotional unavailability  is going to hurt any children you may have, making them more likely to suffer emotional problems including addiction themselves.  It means you'll never be his only love.  Some people are willing to accept that.  Are you?

- How serious are you about learning to detach from his addictive behavior?  Can you learn not to be hurt by what he does?  Can you find meaning and serenity and peace inside yourself and with God independent of whether he gets better?  Some people learn those skills and find peace and joy regardless of their external circumstances.  Those who cannot do that take a huge risk by staying with an addict.

- How much is invested in the relationship?  Someone in a 25 year marriage whose kids are close to leaving home might (or might not) choose to help the kids get the counseling they likely need but to stay in the marriage, where someone just starting out might elect to get out while they still can.

- How much danger is there, and how much danger are you willing to face?  Addictions escalate.  For some people (I count myself as one) the escalation is slow.  When I got into recovery, my behavior wasn't markedly worse than it had been 40 years earlier - largely legal porn.  But other people move to behaviors that result in bringing home sexually transmitted infections.  People move into illegal porn.  People get involved with minors.  People sexually abuse their own children.  I know people who seem like ordinary, nice guts who have done all these things.  Can you keep yourself and any children safe from them?

I'm trying to be balanced, but I know I'm being hard here.  Recovery is absolutely possible.  I know people with deep and long recovery, people of sensitivity and joy and sobriety.  I also know people who never find that, people who relapse chronically, people who never get clean, people who do fine for a year or two years or 8 years and then act out again and never again find long-term sobriety.  A friend of a friend in AA went back to drinking again after 45 years sober.  For every shining success - and there are many - there are a lot of addicts who can't find the way out, and who die addicted.

If it were me, I'd want to see real effort and real transformation in an addict before agreeing to stay on.  I'd want actions, not words.  I'd want to see and feel the change.  I'd want to verify, as well as to trust.

A friend of mine with very deep recovery tell s about a time fairly early in his recovery when he was talking with a neighbor.  He didn't know the neighbor well, and the neighbor didn't know he was a recovering sex addict.  But the neighbor stopped him and said, "I don't know what it is, but you're doing something different.  You're just a nicer guy than you used to be."

Successful recovery is like that.  To give up our crutch, we have to really face the forces that lead us to find refuge in addiction.  We have to heal the divisions between us and  God, between us and our fellow human beings, between us and ourselves.  We have to be able to see ourselves clearly and gently, and to share who we are with others.  We have to expose and to release the fears and resentments that trap us inside ourselves in solitary despair.

It's not a subtle thing.  You know if it's happening, even if you're only a neighbor.  If it's happening, then it might (or might not) make sense to be supportive and to stay in the relationship.  If it's not happening, though, I think staying in the relationship is taking a tremendous risk, both for yourself and for any children you may have.  I'd want to be awfully sure I knew what I was doing before going that way.

Just how it seems to me, of course; and I've never been where you are, so my advice has minimal worth.

Peace and blessings, in any case.

Tim M.

Hi Tired of the Same Dance,
Your words made me cry, and I could only hope my sex addicted spouse was at your level of recovery. I am afraid he is still.at the lying about being better stage.I think your wife is very blessed by your prayers.

[user=92314]alonewithGod[/user] wrote:
None of us did, but here we are.

The gut wrenching pain will subside. I'm nearly three years into finding my husband's stash of porn. Later this week, we will have been "married" for 26 years. Let me assure you that if I had known then what I know now, I never would have married the man, no matter how much "in love" I thought I was.



Correction: You fell in love with a carefully crafted and projected facade. The person you fell in love with really does not exist. You fell in love with the projected persona, not a real person.



I'm sorry, but the lies and deceptions continue until he is ready to give up the porn and the addiction. There is a distinct difference between being ready to give it up and being sorry he got caught. Please do not be fooled. You give his life a sense of normalcy that he needs. He needs you to provide that. He will say what ever he has to say to keep that. Please look at deeds, not words. Talk is cheap.



This is classic sex addict. The real underlying disorder is intimacy anorexia. He walled off his emotions so long ago he doesn't know how to reach them anymore.



Again, this is classic intimacy anorexic. It's a facade. It's not real.



Yeah, my "husband" put on the holier than thou face too. The real recovery rate for sexual addiction is less than 5%. Please don't bet your future on such bad odds. I think Tim and some of the other men who post here are the rare exceptions......the very few who make it out. I'm 50 years old. I've wasted the best 26 years of my life with a sex addict. Try to step into my shoes for just a minute, look back over my life, over all the instances of emotional abuse, neglect, gaslighting, lies, deceptions, and ask yourself whether you should stay. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run far and fast......and to never look back.

My best, DW

Thanks, Tim. I did not notice the dates. I'm guessing that she is not reading anymore.....

Note to self: Check dates.