Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2011 6:28:45 GMT -7
Hello forum, I’m new here but not to the choices that I have made. And I call it a choice because it is something that I did that got me here. I made to the choice to view pornography when I was younger. I made the choice to watch it every day in high school and masturbate to it. I made the choice to have it rule my life and be my God instead of the heavenly father that blessed me with life on this earth. Everything that I have done, even now has been a choice. And just as I made that choice to view it so many years ago, I have made the choice that I am Tired of the same dance.
A little back ground about myself. I found my dad’s porn when I was 11 and started down the choices of finding more, watching it and having it control my life. I let it follow me everywhere I went. Whether it was in a relationship, to the military, and to my marriage. I let it become a friend that I thought care about me because it was there any time I needed it. But porn doesn’t care about anything but to destroy your senses, mind and your heart. It has no feeling except what you are feeling and that is only while the high is going on. After that you are back where you started from and a lot guilty. I have hurt to many females back in high school, military, life and my wife because of the effect of my choice to feed my flesh porn. I’ve look and lusted after teenagers, friends daughters, wives, and mothers all because of porn. And I have cheated on my wife on several occasions because of the choice that I made to view and participate in the act of pornography. And the act I mean to be with someone other than my wife. For 10 years that I have been married I have hurt her so many times that I can’t count and I kept on saying I was going to stop but the flesh wants what the flesh wants. And I always made the choice to go back in my selfish ways and start viewing porn, masturbating and hurting those that love me again. Well why is the reason that we want to stop again? We get caught. And I got caught by saying some inappropriate words to a female on Face Book that I shouldn’t. And I was still viewing pornography which fed what I said to this female. After my wife caught me she said that she was tired of it and said that she wanted a divorce. I broke down and cried and told her that I was sorry and I shouldn’t have said it and I will change. This time she was serious and I have been down this road before but this situation is a little bit different. While those that I have read about on this forum are still living with their wife, I am deployed in Afghanistan and will not be back until next year. Sorry I don’t get to talk to her on a everyday basis like others do. You would think being in this situation that I would lose it and want to do something to myself. Well I don’t. I saw my Chaplain when I had my melt down because of everything that was going on in my life. The choices that I made that brought me to this breaking point. It was my entire fault but it is by his grace that I was saved. I made the choice to finally be rid of this choice that I made so long ago. That has ruled my life and has threatened to destroy what God had blessed me with. I got rid of all the porn and any indicators that could trigger me to look for it again. I gave it all to God and for him to change me to the man that he wants me to be. I see my Chaplain at least once a day and give him updates on my recovery and healing. Being here has been the best thing for me due to I am away from the media, movies, bill boards, my family and anything else that could turn my attention from God. I am totally committed to pleasing God and doing his good will. I have been porn and masturbation free for 49 days now and it is such a blessing. I give all glory to him. As for my wife, I pray for her and tell her that I love her but I do not expect anything in return because of the hurt, pain and betrayal I have put here through. I am not going to pursue her but give it to God so he can heal her. I know that it takes time and only God knows how long that is. But I will do everything to show her that I have change and to love, honor and respect her. And when she is ready I will be the husband that she needed 10 years ago that will love her just as Christ loved the Church.
The choices that we make now, will have ever lasting effect on us in the future. Don’t get caught up in the snares of pornography. Be free and live forever in his loving grace. You will feel so much better. I would love to hear anyone’s comment, questions or concern. Please be honest because that is the only way that I can learn and grow more in Christ.
God Bless you all.
Tired of the same dance
A little back ground about myself. I found my dad’s porn when I was 11 and started down the choices of finding more, watching it and having it control my life. I let it follow me everywhere I went. Whether it was in a relationship, to the military, and to my marriage. I let it become a friend that I thought care about me because it was there any time I needed it. But porn doesn’t care about anything but to destroy your senses, mind and your heart. It has no feeling except what you are feeling and that is only while the high is going on. After that you are back where you started from and a lot guilty. I have hurt to many females back in high school, military, life and my wife because of the effect of my choice to feed my flesh porn. I’ve look and lusted after teenagers, friends daughters, wives, and mothers all because of porn. And I have cheated on my wife on several occasions because of the choice that I made to view and participate in the act of pornography. And the act I mean to be with someone other than my wife. For 10 years that I have been married I have hurt her so many times that I can’t count and I kept on saying I was going to stop but the flesh wants what the flesh wants. And I always made the choice to go back in my selfish ways and start viewing porn, masturbating and hurting those that love me again. Well why is the reason that we want to stop again? We get caught. And I got caught by saying some inappropriate words to a female on Face Book that I shouldn’t. And I was still viewing pornography which fed what I said to this female. After my wife caught me she said that she was tired of it and said that she wanted a divorce. I broke down and cried and told her that I was sorry and I shouldn’t have said it and I will change. This time she was serious and I have been down this road before but this situation is a little bit different. While those that I have read about on this forum are still living with their wife, I am deployed in Afghanistan and will not be back until next year. Sorry I don’t get to talk to her on a everyday basis like others do. You would think being in this situation that I would lose it and want to do something to myself. Well I don’t. I saw my Chaplain when I had my melt down because of everything that was going on in my life. The choices that I made that brought me to this breaking point. It was my entire fault but it is by his grace that I was saved. I made the choice to finally be rid of this choice that I made so long ago. That has ruled my life and has threatened to destroy what God had blessed me with. I got rid of all the porn and any indicators that could trigger me to look for it again. I gave it all to God and for him to change me to the man that he wants me to be. I see my Chaplain at least once a day and give him updates on my recovery and healing. Being here has been the best thing for me due to I am away from the media, movies, bill boards, my family and anything else that could turn my attention from God. I am totally committed to pleasing God and doing his good will. I have been porn and masturbation free for 49 days now and it is such a blessing. I give all glory to him. As for my wife, I pray for her and tell her that I love her but I do not expect anything in return because of the hurt, pain and betrayal I have put here through. I am not going to pursue her but give it to God so he can heal her. I know that it takes time and only God knows how long that is. But I will do everything to show her that I have change and to love, honor and respect her. And when she is ready I will be the husband that she needed 10 years ago that will love her just as Christ loved the Church.
The choices that we make now, will have ever lasting effect on us in the future. Don’t get caught up in the snares of pornography. Be free and live forever in his loving grace. You will feel so much better. I would love to hear anyone’s comment, questions or concern. Please be honest because that is the only way that I can learn and grow more in Christ.
God Bless you all.
Tired of the same dance