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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2011 20:38:05 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2011 0:00:55 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
I do not believe that M is a positive thing, but do give him some credit for being honest about it, unless it seems his only purpose in mentioning it was manipulative.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2011 1:55:56 GMT -7
It is the non-negotiable belief of the management of this board that masturbation is always sinful.
That said, I think that some people are addicted to the sin of masturbation, and that others are not, just as some people are addicted to the sin of overindulgence in alcohol, and others are not. I think that's true even among people who are addicted to porn. I've met sex addicts with a fair amount of recovery who felt that porn was their central addiction and that masturbation was important from an addiction perspective only if it was accompanied by porn. I've met other sex addicts with a fair amount of recovery who felt that compulsive masturbation was their central addiction and that porn was important from an addiction perspective only if it was accompanied by masturbation. I've met sex addicts for whom both porn and masturbation were central addictive bottom line behaviors. So I think that deciding whether or not this is a slip in addiction recovery requires knowing more than an outsider can.
truthseeker's question about whether he is attempting to manipulate you is a good one. Other questions I'd ask might include
- Forget about addiction; is masturbation something acceptable to both of you in your marriage?
- It's common that the S-fellowships recommend an addict in recovery do an initial period of 3-6 months with no sexual activity of any kind. Is this a good idea, and is his behavior compatible with that?
No answers; just some more questions, I'm afraid.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2011 11:00:31 GMT -7
Dear LadyP,
Frustrate this: You've wasted how many years of your life trying to make the lies work? Does that give rise to frustration? Is he suggesting for one instant that your life has not been full of frustrations as a direct result of his behavior? Is he suggesting that he is entitled? Are you the slightest bit frustrated over his lack of emotional engagement? Are you frustrated by his lack of engagement with the children? With his inability to provide for the family as a direct result of his addiction? Are you frustrated with is lack of progress? With his extracurricular activities?
Does your frustration grant you license to engage in sexual activities outside of the marriage? Look for emotional engagement elsewhere?
Didn't think so.
Still sounds like he's a self-centered 12 year old stuck in a mans body. I've had kind of a bad day, so my advice may be clouded, but my inclination would be to "frustrate" his backside directly to the curb.
My best to you, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2011 11:07:19 GMT -7
Oh mercy........I was in litigator mode yesterday!
Hope things are better today!
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2011 17:23:21 GMT -7
It does sound like he is trying to punish you or make you feel guilty. Like it's your fault that he had to M, sounds pretty pathetic.
No deal!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2011 4:55:41 GMT -7
I agree....it seems manipulative. I think that wives of sex addicts are conditioned to subordinate their needs, not consider how their needs have not been met for decades, and to feel sorry for the addict because his "needs" are not being met currently.
Pfft. Nice try, swing and a miss.
When I think of all the times I craved conversation, needed a simple hug, needed some emotional support......and I didn't get it, but I soldiered on........I really have no sympathy whatsoever for their current "needs." None.
My needs still aren't being met, will probably never be met. At this juncture, I really don't care if his needs aren't met.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2011 8:42:18 GMT -7
Lady P,
Sorry you're still going through this...please do not take any blame for his "frustration". If anyone is frustrated it should be you having dealt with all of this for so long and trying to hold everything together as best you could. Praying for you and all of us spouses, stay strong and do not accept blame for something that is not your fault...if he was frustrated as he says and is looking to recover and going to meetings/accountability he should have called on his resources to help instead of giving in to m. *hugs*!
L1
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2011 15:27:03 GMT -7
LadyP,
I replied to another of your post and thought it would be ok to reply to this one. Again, I am speaking from the other side of the fence here. I went through the same thing when my wife when we had separated but I was still living in the same house but separate rooms. Or when I was out of town on military duty or just recently as I was getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan. I thought in my mind that I was not getting any attention and pushed aside any thoughts that it was my fault and put the blame on my wife. It is something we addicts do so we can feel better about the deed that we are doing. Then if we tell our spouse that we did it and try to put the blame on them, then we feel better about ourselves and what we done. I have to agree with DW about us acting like a self center 12 year old, living in an old man’s body. We are self center, it is what porn and Masturbation does to us. We rob what was meant for a husband and wife to enjoy and feel spiritually connected to God. We give into flesh because we believe that if we don’t we will die. That is the way we see it because we have been doing it for so long, we feel that we will die.
But I can honestly say that we will not die and I took me coming to Afghanistan and hitting rock bottom to finally realize that. I was finally ready to make the choice to stop viewing pornography and engage in self gratification. One thing that helped me was that I fasted on nothing but vegetables and fruits for 3 days. This robbed my body of proteins and other stuff I thought I needed to survive. I did this for 3 days and guess what, I didn’t die. I rob the flesh of what I thought I needed to live but the only thing I did was ate healthier and had more energy. The next test came when I fasted for 3 days with nothing but water. I prayed every day, before during and after for those 3 days and after those days were up, I still didn’t die. My mind was a lot clearer, my heart was open and the spirit of God washed over me. I have been free from Porn and Self Gratification for 65 days now and never felt better. At first I thought I was going to die from not acting out and giving into the flesh. But by fasting I showed myself how powerful I am and that I can do all things through him who strengths me. In the bible it says that that we should over our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. How can I do that when I defile myself with masturbation? I can’t. There were steps that I had to do, to get to where I am today and I feel so much better. There is now the healing that my wife has to go through because of my actions and the way I treated her for so long. But I know now that when she is ready to forgive and we can be the family that she has always wanted, I’ll be ready to be the spiritual leader that I was supposed to be when we first got married.
Your husband is not ready and will act like that 12 year old and will blame everyone other than his self until he hits rock bottom. Don’t take anything that he tries to throw at you, to make you feel guilty. Just continue to pray for him and make yourself a better person for yourself and God. I will pray for you and your husband. I remember reading somewhere DW said that the percentage of recovery in a marriage is extremely low. I hope and pray that you can be one of the ones that survive can use your story to help others and honor God. That’s my prayer for me and my wife.
God bless you on your continual strength.
Tired
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