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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2011 15:39:44 GMT -7
I have been doing research on codependence and it has shed soooo much light on why i couldn't leave the very unhealthy relationship.
I fit so many of the characteristics! I have an alcoholuc father, and thought it was my job to make him happy. I have a die hard attitude about never giving up on fixing someone! I wont give up no matter how painful the relationship.
This information is helping me to finally be clear on getting out of the marriage because i am finally giving up on fixing him!
I can only fix me and he is going to SA meetings but he comes home and says nothing and still treats me like.dirt.
I know he believes its my fault for his addiction, i wasnt nice enough or pretty enough for him to be faithful.
Anyway. I feel so much relief from the crazy confusion of my codependence. I am filing for divorce in January. No more dysfunction!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2011 5:10:27 GMT -7
I hear.......clarity. Bravo!
The only person you can change is you.
I believe the vows he took were unconditional. They did not say: "Keep me only unto her as long as she is pretty and nice enough, or meets my standard which is subject to change at my whim."
Stay strong....and when you feel a bout of weakness coming on, stop back here and we'll give you a shot of "Spine implants R us!"
Please continue to work on you........and never, never, ever believe that any of this was your fault!
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2011 16:19:21 GMT -7
Thank you DW! I will need that shot of spinal fluid come January i kniw it! Its so easy to.slip back into denial dysfunctuon lala land.
But i know i will find happiness because i know the mistakes I made and i am working on me so i can have..Healthy relationship
Thanks for the encouragement and.reminders that i didnt cause his addiction.
All the best!
Need2bfree
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2011 3:39:48 GMT -7
I hear.......clarity. Bravo! The only person you can change is you. I believe the vows he took were unconditional. They did not say: "Keep me only unto her as long as she is pretty and nice enough, or meets my standard which is subject to change at my whim." Stay strong....and when you feel a bout of weakness coming on, stop back here and we'll give you a shot of "Spine implants R us!" Please continue to work on you........and never, never, ever believe that any of this was your fault! My best, DW I think that I am a person/ man that everyone can laugh at/ explain and so on. I might need to be much more clear for myself and maybe for others secondly. I might need to be clear for myself first, and then it might be natural/ I might send out clearity to others? So it might be the same principles in all relations? Boundaries and being clear and acting when those boundaries are violated? Best! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2011 6:43:54 GMT -7
Yes Man,
Every person can only really control themselves and having clear boundaries is very healthy for ones own self esteem. I allowed so much abuse and i was ok with it because i was a verbally abused and neglected child.
So when my sex addict husband emotionally abused me by betraying me with other women i didnt leave., i cried and screamed. He then verbally and.physically abused me because i became so hysterical because.of the adultery.
I never could leave because i was completely co dependent, scared and certain i could fix his problem.
But i never could and things just got worse and worse.
I am.still really scared to end.tge marriage, i have zero self esteem, never really had any, and i worry about what people will say, will i be.lonely forever? Etc etc.
But i am.going to be.brave and file the paoerwork. If he ever got healtjy and eanted to start fresh and date me from his own residence, i would be.open to.that because i still do love him.
BUT i cant.live with him forever hoping for a.miracle, its not.healthy.for.me.
All the best!
Need2bfree
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2011 8:40:06 GMT -7
Will you be lonely forever?
NO! But you do need to be careful who you become involved with going forward. Please don't fall into another co-dependent relationship. And for me, the fallacy in my thinking is that I'm not "alone" if I have a husband beside me. That is false. I live alone with another person in the house. He doesn't talk with me, emote with me, connect with me at any level other than that of a room mate.
In reality, living like this should scare you more than living truly alone. If you're truly alone, at least you know the score....know you have yourself to depend on and you can work on yourself. In reality, you are a whole person, a complete being, just as you are. None of us "needs" a man to be whole or complete. You are perfect just as you are.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2011 13:45:33 GMT -7
Thank you DW and yes so very true, it is.lonelier living with a cold distamt roommate than just living alone, with the ability to invite friends over and.enjoy their company.
I completely know i nees to do this but of course he is sortbof pouting and acting contrite which makes me feel guilty about.leaving him.
Or asking him to leave.
He has been making me feel guilty for so long evem.thought he has always continued to betray me and verbally abuse me and neglect me.
I still feel flippin sorry for him!!!
I have to stop this and feel sorry for me and all i have endured with.him.
Thanks for listening,
Nees2bfree
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2011 1:54:18 GMT -7
Need2befree I think that making another person feel guilty is manipulation? It might be easy to do that to control you?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2011 19:25:00 GMT -7
Yes I agree it has controlled me for 20 years, but not anymore!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2011 3:05:38 GMT -7
Dear Need2BFree,
One of the 12 steps for wives of sex addicts and intimacy anorexics is to make amends to all you have harmed. I was initially put off by this because I haven't harmed anyone.....except myself.
To make amends to yourself you need to do what is right for you.....and your children, ignoring any guilt trip he may try to lay on you. Don't allow it!
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2011 14:10:01 GMT -7
Dear DW,
I am familiar with the 12 steps and to tell the truth my co dependence has caused me to harm others and most recently because of my emotional instability due to being married to an addict for 20 years.
So i have said sorry where needed, BUT i never thought of how i have damaged myself by staying in the abuse.
Thank you for pointing out that i need to make HUGE ammends to myself and some more to my children.
He is giving me trouble about moving out as usual. So i need to stay strong.
Much thanks!
N2bfree
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2011 4:12:02 GMT -7
Dear Need2BFree,
You are welcome. I'm just passing on some wisdom that was given to me......freely ye have received, freely ye shall give.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 15:09:58 GMT -7
I know why I have not been able to leave...... co dependence might seem like a plausible reason for myself however after further investigation it has been because I was traumatized more than anything else. Trauma does strange things to people! For myself being married to a porn / sex addict for 15 years I was tramized over and over and over again on so many levels. I tried appliying co dependency to myself and am willing to / and have tried to get better using that dyginois for myself. However I learned that Sex / poem addicts are filled to the rim and overflowing with sheer horrible rage and someone with that inside them is going to automatically instill fear and anxiety in whoever they are married to. Also porn / sex addicts have passive aggressive / narrcissitc personality traits as well and these alone are devastating to deal with for a spouse even without the addiction on top of that. So for myself co dependent just does not fit. However many of my behaviors might look co dependent and maybe co dependent but for me to get better I am treating my trauma
So far this has been the ticket for me. Once I realized that I was tramitixed and began treating the emotional / mental trauma did I start to feel better and began to see positive changes within myself.
My husband is no longer my concern. Yes I love him yes I want us to stay together yes I value our marriage yes I hope he finds recovery and stays active in recovery and yes I beleive God restores and heals yes I am staying positive. Yes to all the good right things.
However at the same time..... I am not going to clam up and I am not going to settle for any less than the best life possible for myself. Is being yelled at and blamed when I have asked for consideration as his wife ok ? Also is not given healthy love from the man who is suppose to cherish me the best I can do? For 15 years I took the blame I kept my mouth shut I went along and I almost died 100% in every way. I was barley a shred of a person due to being traumatized so severely. I am not going to stay and continually be emotionally abused
My husband has admitted his SA
I myself have and am getting help for myself in several different ways
I have asked him to get help
He recently has told me he is seeking help
Has the emotional abuse from him gone away?
No
He is not at this time practicing communicating directly
He is not taking an active step in our relationship
He has not even attempted to meet any of my needs so far him being in recovery has not changed anything between us. I have changed though. I am more confident I am standing up for what is true I am sure in myself and at the same time
I am the loneliest I have ever been ever for my husband goodness.
I am not lonely in that I have God and my large suppprt system .... I am just so lonely for all the gifts that marriage holds in which I have not experienced since we have been married..... emotional and physical intimacy within my marriage
I mean a person can only want to go on and on like this enough..... I have joy in God I have joy in many many many other areas however when we deal with SA and other personality disorders that come with that we usually get the very air sucked out of us. We cannot breathe
I am giving my husband a 45 day time frame and then I will leave. I want things to work out and I have not given up hope however I am also not blind to what may be at the end of 45 days [my husband is the type who if you confide in him in anyway anything personal about myself he uses it as a weapon and anytime I speak to him about normal things within a marriage he rages so these are somethings that I have already decided cannot be a part of any relationship I am in
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