Need Help with pain and anger....

Dear MayB,

Welcome to Blazing Grace and I'm sorry you find a need to be here. Rest assured, there are many of us who have walked this path and we're here to help. I am checking in here sporadically, so I hope others will chime in from time to time.

Let me try to deal with several of your points:

1. "I don't understand what it is I should be doing." You've spent all of your time helping him to get to a better place, while ignoring or subordinating your needs to his. In many respects, I think you are like a widow who has put a good face on it, gotten through the funeral, done what needed to be done, buried her husband, and is now left to deal with the reality of the situation. <B>You should be working on your healing.</B> The comparison to a widow is really quite apt. The man you thought you knew, thought you were married to doesn't exist. He's effectively dead to you, yet you can't share the pain you are legitimately experiencing with anyone. That is unfortunate, because in the coming weeks and months, you will be going through the stages of grief. www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

2. Addicts are master manipulators. Is it possible that all this "love" he has found for you is an act to keep you? I say that because my "husband" did this and your situation sounds similar. After my discovery, the "husband" suddenly started whistling at my 218 pound figure. Pfft. Yeah. Right. It was just laughable. His porn of choice were thin girls a nanosecond over 18 (or so the porn proclaimed) tied up with rope. His attention to me in the days/weeks after my discovery was nothing more than an act, clearly calculated in his warped little mind as a way to keep me and it made me want to gag. Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

3. It is interesting that you bring your daughter into your post, as I have often done that with myself when I'm trying to make a decision. I ask myself "If your daughter came to you and described this exact situation, what would you advise her to do?" Invariably, I would tell her to leave, run, never look back. Isn't it odd that we can't seem to do this for ourselves? I would urge you to examine why it is you feel you can't leave him and protect yourself.

4. You mention "YET ANOTHER CHANCE". Can you elaborate on that a bit? Does he have a history of this?

5. "pray, forgive and be happy" is not the answer. That has never worked for me. I think we have to allow ourselves to go through the stages of grief, rebuild ourselves, establish firm boundaries, and not be afraid to kick the addict to the curb if needed. We took vows, yes we did, but I don't remember vowing to stand by him while he commits suicide or while he engages in behavior that could subject you to diseases....some of them fatal. I think very often, we have a warped sense of duty. Please don't ask more of yourself than you promised on your wedding day.

6. Forgiveness is a process, a very long process. Don't forgive too quickly. It tells him that his adultery really wasn't that big a deal. WRONG. I don't know if I will ever forgive my "husband." At this moment, I really hope he rots in hell....so as you can see, I'm a long way from forgiving.

I bid you peace......

My best, Devastated Wife

Thanks so much for the response. He actually came to me this time and had apparently hit bottom. Something in him seems different this time. I have indeed told him that my fear is that even though this time he has actually told me the things that happened as well as his life story finally, that I fear this could somehow just be a "step up" or new twist to the old game. In past times, he would never admit to any behavior other than just that he loved me and would treat me better and be a better husband type of things. Then lavish me with love for months. This is def very different, and he is in treatment. Still, my fears are real and so is my anger and pain. I just honestly don't know how to start clearing out the pain and anger. I have said my piece on many occasions, it is clear to him exactly how I see him, and that I am filled with pain and anger for him. I don't want to keep throwing it in his face but at the same time this BS is indeed constantly in my face, and I am NOT the one who put it here.
I have hit a low that I have never been in before. I find no light at the end of my so called tunnel as of yet. I keep asking myself.... "how do I get rid of this" I don't deserve it, I refuse to be stuck like this because of someone else. I have kids to raise and a life to lead. But I feel like something is still missing. I can't see him as an "addict" all I see is a husband who had no morals and acted in a way that said he wanted me dead. But the reality of sex addiction says differently. AUGHHHH!

Hi MayB,

When we have given all of ourselves to someone, they can hurt us like no one else can.  Forgiveness is the choice to treat him kindly, in spite of all he has done.  Trust and freedom from fear are very different matters.  They will take time, different for each couple, and are contingent on his ongoing behavior being trustworthy.  You are wise to seek safe places to vent, because your anger is completely just, and it is fine to continue to share that with your husband when you feel the need, but you are right that over doing that can be unproductive.

Praying for you...
TruthSeeker

Thank you so very much for your reply. I haven't been on here because that day I posted and applied to register I never heard back until just recently. But again, thanks.

As for the YET AGAIN. You see, I divorced him and we literally didn't speak for a year the so called 1st time he cheated on me. ( I of course thought this was the 1st and only) and by that point in time he was cruel and angry and I was DONE. I knew I loved him dearly and had put my whole heart in him but I felt abused and like he did not truly love me. I know now he always has but it's not of much use to be loved if he is going to treat someone like this.

RE: our situation now as I posted in Oct 2011. He has truly come a long way but I have not. I know I have not been of great help to him but that is his work. I must say you are agreed with very much so on that. I am definitely not into checking up on a man and have never wanted a man I felt I need to babysit like a darn infant. The only thing I did do was place an accountability program on everything with internet access. I have only logged on about 4 times in the last 7 months to check it though. Not out of fear, only because I just didn't remember it often. Each time was good. No slips there.
I have seen a psychiatrist since it started. I am stuck as heck but he continues to make strides. I am happy for him but I feel ruined. I cannot believe how this has destroyed me. I feel worthless. I still can't handle that he was drawn to the nastiest people I know and also addicts. He continues to apologize and work hard and tells me how different he is seeing the world and life and the things he has done. So why can't I seem to deal with him going after people he knows I think are so nasty? I had always told him that in high school and my younger years that if someone asked me out that had been with my sister or cousin it was an instant no and it disgusted me. They have always been very easy and drinking druggie girls. He KNEW I wouldn't be able to deal with those choices. Plus they have things like HIV HepC Herpes and other less deadly but still unhealthy diseases. I honestly believe he was purposely trying to hurt me very very deeply. He says he wasn't and it was just the "wrongness" about them that made it what he went after.
If they know enough to know it IS WRONG and therefore lie, then how do they tell people they didn't realize there was a choice or that there were consequences. If they really didn't consider the consequences why do they all scheme and plott and hide and then afterwards lie about it??
My Dr. just keeps telling me "you just need to decided what you can live with" I can't even make a decision yet because I am flooded with so much I can't even function normally yet.
Since my Dr is really of no help I was hoping talking with other spouses could be of some help or therapy.

I sure hear what you are saying " After my discovery, the "husband" suddenly started whistling"
Yep, suddenly I seem to have it GOING ON.... all I can seem to say to him is REALLY??? FOR REAL? how is that since I am not "wrong and dangerous" I DON'T GET IT!! I sure hope someone can help me with this because I am with you.... sounds like more BS lies and games.
Thanks again for the reply!!