Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2011 9:32:35 GMT -7
Some of my masculinity issues as they pertain to ssa:
1- Having been abused by a male I often felt the need to re-enact the events with me being in CONTROL. My trigger was whenever I felt weak or powerless, or had failed at something.
2- Self loathing would trigger the acting out as a form of self punishment, too. I binge eat as well due to this.
3- Being overwhelmed with shame, I couldn't ever see myself dating a girls/women, I thought that girls were sugar & spice... Boy/guys are filthy dogs (like me) and that's all I deserved. I thought girls would see, even smell the shame on me. Boys/men were rivals to conquer to make up for my lack of masculinity.
4- Years of masterbating infront of a mirror trained my mind that the male form = sexuality & climax. Unknowingly I trained my self, much like Pavlov's dog was trained to expect food when he heard the bell ring.
5- Measuring up- Ever since childhood I felt like less than a boy / man than the ones around me. The others were into sports & teams, played 1000 times better sports in gym, talked sports, etc... Not having a father involved in such, not teaching me about such left me at a disadvantage. If you know what its like to be picked last in gym in grade school you have a taste of what I mean. As an added obsticle, throw in the sexual abuse starting at age 8/9 and it realy screws with how you measure your self worth.
6- If it's done to you early on (as in abuse), or if you agree to it early on (like whats called childhood play/exploring), just once, it makes it easier and even easier to do it again and again.
7- Acting out over and over again sets a path in your mind, your brain makes all these connections, wires itself. Like a habbit, it's hard (but not impossible) to change or break it.
I've found that coming to understand the reasons "why" really helps in finding the way out of the wilderness. I had found the way out of the wilderness 14 years ago, but 7 years ago I fell backwards into it again after a very emotional ordeal that I wasn't ready for.
I know for sure that this battle is spiritual in nature. I know that satan had blinders on me & was pulling my strings like the puppet master that he is. His lies had me fooled into believing that I wasn't a "real" boy / man, that I wasn't worthy or deserving of God's love or forgiveness. He keeps trying to tell me that I'm a failure, never good enough.
Well the blinders are off once again and I'm p*ssed off!
I can't believe how fell I for it, AGAIN, for almost 7 years! He's a liar indeed! Not many could go through what I went through and come out as good as I did, nor accomplish what I did, or have what I have. I know it. I am a real man! I hope he trembles when I get up in the morning. God, please help me to be a royal pain in his butt
I hope this helps anyone who might recognise some of their own feelings in this.
1- Having been abused by a male I often felt the need to re-enact the events with me being in CONTROL. My trigger was whenever I felt weak or powerless, or had failed at something.
2- Self loathing would trigger the acting out as a form of self punishment, too. I binge eat as well due to this.
3- Being overwhelmed with shame, I couldn't ever see myself dating a girls/women, I thought that girls were sugar & spice... Boy/guys are filthy dogs (like me) and that's all I deserved. I thought girls would see, even smell the shame on me. Boys/men were rivals to conquer to make up for my lack of masculinity.
4- Years of masterbating infront of a mirror trained my mind that the male form = sexuality & climax. Unknowingly I trained my self, much like Pavlov's dog was trained to expect food when he heard the bell ring.
5- Measuring up- Ever since childhood I felt like less than a boy / man than the ones around me. The others were into sports & teams, played 1000 times better sports in gym, talked sports, etc... Not having a father involved in such, not teaching me about such left me at a disadvantage. If you know what its like to be picked last in gym in grade school you have a taste of what I mean. As an added obsticle, throw in the sexual abuse starting at age 8/9 and it realy screws with how you measure your self worth.
6- If it's done to you early on (as in abuse), or if you agree to it early on (like whats called childhood play/exploring), just once, it makes it easier and even easier to do it again and again.
7- Acting out over and over again sets a path in your mind, your brain makes all these connections, wires itself. Like a habbit, it's hard (but not impossible) to change or break it.
I've found that coming to understand the reasons "why" really helps in finding the way out of the wilderness. I had found the way out of the wilderness 14 years ago, but 7 years ago I fell backwards into it again after a very emotional ordeal that I wasn't ready for.
I know for sure that this battle is spiritual in nature. I know that satan had blinders on me & was pulling my strings like the puppet master that he is. His lies had me fooled into believing that I wasn't a "real" boy / man, that I wasn't worthy or deserving of God's love or forgiveness. He keeps trying to tell me that I'm a failure, never good enough.
Well the blinders are off once again and I'm p*ssed off!
I can't believe how fell I for it, AGAIN, for almost 7 years! He's a liar indeed! Not many could go through what I went through and come out as good as I did, nor accomplish what I did, or have what I have. I know it. I am a real man! I hope he trembles when I get up in the morning. God, please help me to be a royal pain in his butt
I hope this helps anyone who might recognise some of their own feelings in this.
