where is DW??

Hi thank you for your reply:D
The sex addict i am married to went to his first SA mweting the other night and he told me it was emberrassing. And i said do you think it was as humiliating as you leering and lusting after other women in front of me for20 years?
And he told me that he isnt getting into recovery for me because i am an f"ing" B word.
So yah pretty sure its time to move on.
Thanks for listening.
Need2Bfree

Hello, Need2bFree,

I am starting a new business, and as a result, I'm so busy it's hard to find time to read and post here. I'm ok, the husband is teetering on or has relapsed, but I am so disengaged it just doesn't matter to me anymore.

I appreciate your kind words on my posts, let me try to give you some perspective and comfort on your current situation.

Addiction, as I conceive of it, is a self-perpetuating cycle of delusions. Your husband is caught in the vortex of active addiction, and just as you would not expect a heroin addict to think or act rationally, we can't expect a sex addict to think or act rationally. They are living in a self-deluded, self-created chemical soup. So, let's take some of his assertions apart, shall we?

Going to SA is embarrassing. Well, that's rich...and it's just too bad. Part and parcel of addiction, sex addition in particular, is secrecy. The secrecy and the associated shame keep men locked in the vortex of active addiction. It is a necessary step, absolutely essential step, for a sex addict to meet with real people and admit they are sex addicts, admit the nature of their wrongs, and seek healing within a group. When the sex addict is alone, the Devil starts to whisper in his ear.

One of the things I learned from my first therapist was: "You're only as sick as your secrets." That really resonated with me--immediately. And it's something the addicts have to learn and accept. Meeting with other addicts and admitting the problem releases the hold of secrecy. One of the delusions of addiction that dies a slow, hard death, is the notion that "I can conquer this on my own." You and I know that is nonsense, but we're not deluded addicts. I can remember sitting in my second therapists office with my "husband" at about the three month mark after I'd discovered the porn. My "husband" had not gone to SA, was actively resisting it, and said "I'm not sure I'm that bad or that I need to go." At that point, I said "Go or get out." I delivered that ultimatum without blinking. He went, begrudgingly.

I'm not sure it did him that much good. He white-knuckled it, played at recovery. 1.5 years in, he drank himself into a near coma and did an intense outpatient rehab, AA three times a week, and started taking Prozac. This was the first time I saw genuine improvement in him. I really don't think SA did that much for him because he was not there of his own free will or volition. I just made the consequence worse than going. Didn't work well.

As for the blame game........oh mercy, how long to you have? I've been blamed for everything under the sun.

Again, please understand that your husband is a deluded addict. Addicts have to "horribilize" the wife or make you into a monster in order justify their behavior. It is part and parcel of addiction in general, but IT IS A HUGE PORTION of the sex addict's life. In general, they magnify real and existing faults or manufacture faults in the wife to use as justification tools. IT IS NOT YOU. You know in your heart that you've been a good wife and that his expectations are completely unrealistic. I've been and I am willing to bet you have been a Proverbs 31 wife.

By way of example, My "husband" told me that I was a disappointment in the bedroom. well, I suppose I was.... given that his entire view of human sexuality had been informed, formed, shaped, molded by years of pornography use. So what if I don't measure up? OOOO, my bad. Not! I wear that as a badge of honor, so should you. You are NOT an "F-ing B word." Your posts give that away! And you are perfect, just as you are, just as you were intended to be. Whatever he has tried to pin on you, shake it off. None of it is true.

I suspect your husband carries with him an image of some perfect woman....and if he could only be married to her, his life would be perfect. Wonderful. No worries. It's the nasty, reinforcing flip-side of the "horribilization" process. Addicts live in perpetual fantasy land....and they idealize the woman they met at the deli, the woman he works with, the woman he saw on the bus...so on and so forth. No one can compete with his fantasy girl. Don't even try.

As I have shared previously, this ordeal completely destroyed my faith. Completely. Why indeed would God put us through this? It certainly shattered my view of the all loving, all protecting God. But let me tell you about the things that I have done in response to this that I probably would not have done had I been married to and had a real husband, not a sick imitation.

I'm a lawyer today because of this. I went to law school at mid-life because I realized my marriage was a mess and that I was married to a self-centered adolescent. I didn't know what was going on, I just saw all the signs and symptoms and gave up...tried to make a life for myself.

I'm opening a business because of this. If I'd had a real husband, been supported, loved, honored, cherished, etc., I never would have risked everything to open a new business. I am stronger now as a direct result of the adversity. He didn't crush me or kill my spirit. He came darn close, but he didn't get the job done. No, he didn't. Proverbs 31:16 "She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard." I've considered a business and I've bought it, from my profits I will plant a new life for myself. Whether that includes him remains to be seen.

The pain that I have endured is immeasurable. The damage done to my children incalculable. I question why and I probably always will. The biggest regret that I have is that I didn't leave him while my children were young. Maybe that is the silver lining in this, Need2BFree. Whatever his reasons are for getting into recovery, it's clear he's got a long way to go. Maybe this will give you adequate time to undo some of the damage done to the kids.

Whether you stay or go......I trust you will choose the path that is right for you.

Please let us know how you are doing.

My best, DW

I know this is for wives, but for me there is quite much to recognize. I have grown up in a home where I have been deleted, it seems to me. I am mr. Nobody, erased, it seems to me...