Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2011 10:31:13 GMT -7
I'm a mid forties twenty years married husband & father. I'm Saved since twelve, BUT... long from perfected...
What brings me here is a twenty six year sexual addiction that I've acted out on, on and off throught thirty three years. As recent as three days ago was the last "hook up". I'm so disgusted with myself.
Background: My mother died when I was five, dad crawled in a bottle, 18 mos later he remarries, mom #2 gets tired of his drinking and not being around and leaves. Between moms we're cared for by our grand parents, then a great aunt (grandma's sister). My dads sister lives in town with her husband & kids, we have to spend alot of time there, too. My aunt's husband is a weak minded drunk himself, his wife was the main bread winner & she wore the pants in the family.
I'm nine now and this same uncle starts paying alot of attention to me, hugs, cuddling, keeps me on his lap. In time he starts molesting me, it continues from 9-12/13. Around 11 I hit puberty, my body starts reacting to the stimulation, soon it is me who goes there looking for it. Around 12 I start messing around with a friend, this continues for years, too. I messed around with my younger brother... I was a mess.
My father gets saved thru AA, quits drinking and begins dragging us to church. We never went to church before up till then. I got saved at 12 thru the churches scouting group. I hoped and prayed that it would all stop and go away...but it didn't. With all this new knowledge of the of God & church, there was a war inside myself that rages still today. It was alot for a kid to handle.
Mom #3 enters the picture, tho they are not married & we are all living together, all the while attending church. We were sure to keep the marrital status a secret (nice mixed messages). I'm also aware of my father's playboy ways. Note; mom#3 is out by the time I'm 15. Dad is on #4 now for 23 years today.
I didn't date throughout school, didn't have to, I had my friend to call on. I stopped going to church at 17, I started working the weekends.
At 23 I marry a friend & neighbor girl, she was a solid person, a Christian and about the only person on the planet that I could trust. I still carried on with my friend for the first few years of marriage. I have "the wall" all along, as my wife called it. Like most women (in a good way), she thought that she would be able to fix me. She knew the way I grew up, the multiple brokeness of my family, there was plenty of reason for a wall so she thought.
The sex abuse, ssa & everything else, I always assumed I'd take to my grave. At 31 I was trolling for porn or a hook up, when I had a God encounter. I got clearity, it was like blinders were taken off my eyes & a switch was thrown in my mind. It was an honest to God mirical! I was "sober" for 7 years. I confessed to my wife ( she forgave me), my family, I made amends to my friend & younger brother (who both said they were ok and were willing accomplisses, NOT an abuse situation, but I still feel bad for involving them in my mess). For seven years I was clean, my mind & thoughts were clean. At 31 we started going to church again & have ever since.
I thought by then I had a good handle on my fears & emotions, that I took care of any old business. In 2005 my father almost died, I mean we didn't know if he was going to make it out of an emergency surgery due to an anyurism by his heart. The day leaving the hospital (not knowing what the outcome would be), something snapped in my head. All these unresolved emotions dealing with my father triggered a bad reaction. I crossed the line when I stopped at a rest area looking for annon sex.
Since that time (7 years) it hasn't stopped. I've tried to get back to that place of clearity & understanding and I can't get back there on my own. I've begged God repeatledly & repeatedly I've broken his commandments & his heart.
I've since brought home an std, my wife knows but it's an unmentioned subject. God deserves perfection, my wife deserves perfection, my kids deserve perfection from me... but I keep screwing up. I can't deal with it on my own anymore & I don't want to tell everyone again that I'm fallen.
Lord Jesus please help me... & everyone else here.
What brings me here is a twenty six year sexual addiction that I've acted out on, on and off throught thirty three years. As recent as three days ago was the last "hook up". I'm so disgusted with myself.
Background: My mother died when I was five, dad crawled in a bottle, 18 mos later he remarries, mom #2 gets tired of his drinking and not being around and leaves. Between moms we're cared for by our grand parents, then a great aunt (grandma's sister). My dads sister lives in town with her husband & kids, we have to spend alot of time there, too. My aunt's husband is a weak minded drunk himself, his wife was the main bread winner & she wore the pants in the family.
I'm nine now and this same uncle starts paying alot of attention to me, hugs, cuddling, keeps me on his lap. In time he starts molesting me, it continues from 9-12/13. Around 11 I hit puberty, my body starts reacting to the stimulation, soon it is me who goes there looking for it. Around 12 I start messing around with a friend, this continues for years, too. I messed around with my younger brother... I was a mess.
My father gets saved thru AA, quits drinking and begins dragging us to church. We never went to church before up till then. I got saved at 12 thru the churches scouting group. I hoped and prayed that it would all stop and go away...but it didn't. With all this new knowledge of the of God & church, there was a war inside myself that rages still today. It was alot for a kid to handle.
Mom #3 enters the picture, tho they are not married & we are all living together, all the while attending church. We were sure to keep the marrital status a secret (nice mixed messages). I'm also aware of my father's playboy ways. Note; mom#3 is out by the time I'm 15. Dad is on #4 now for 23 years today.
I didn't date throughout school, didn't have to, I had my friend to call on. I stopped going to church at 17, I started working the weekends.
At 23 I marry a friend & neighbor girl, she was a solid person, a Christian and about the only person on the planet that I could trust. I still carried on with my friend for the first few years of marriage. I have "the wall" all along, as my wife called it. Like most women (in a good way), she thought that she would be able to fix me. She knew the way I grew up, the multiple brokeness of my family, there was plenty of reason for a wall so she thought.
The sex abuse, ssa & everything else, I always assumed I'd take to my grave. At 31 I was trolling for porn or a hook up, when I had a God encounter. I got clearity, it was like blinders were taken off my eyes & a switch was thrown in my mind. It was an honest to God mirical! I was "sober" for 7 years. I confessed to my wife ( she forgave me), my family, I made amends to my friend & younger brother (who both said they were ok and were willing accomplisses, NOT an abuse situation, but I still feel bad for involving them in my mess). For seven years I was clean, my mind & thoughts were clean. At 31 we started going to church again & have ever since.
I thought by then I had a good handle on my fears & emotions, that I took care of any old business. In 2005 my father almost died, I mean we didn't know if he was going to make it out of an emergency surgery due to an anyurism by his heart. The day leaving the hospital (not knowing what the outcome would be), something snapped in my head. All these unresolved emotions dealing with my father triggered a bad reaction. I crossed the line when I stopped at a rest area looking for annon sex.
Since that time (7 years) it hasn't stopped. I've tried to get back to that place of clearity & understanding and I can't get back there on my own. I've begged God repeatledly & repeatedly I've broken his commandments & his heart.
I've since brought home an std, my wife knows but it's an unmentioned subject. God deserves perfection, my wife deserves perfection, my kids deserve perfection from me... but I keep screwing up. I can't deal with it on my own anymore & I don't want to tell everyone again that I'm fallen.
Lord Jesus please help me... & everyone else here.