Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2011 17:01:26 GMT -7
Anyone else out there feel like other people would be shocked to learn thst our spouses are porn/lust addicts?? If we divorced a lot if people would think i was the mean one, and he is so great. Little do they know of the neglect, betrayal and verbal abuse.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2011 3:23:15 GMT -7
I wonder.
Hiding from others and from ourselves is desperate important for addicts, and "nice guy" is a part of the façade. A lot of people probably buy that of us, and we often buy it of ourselves.
But I suspect that on reflection, people find that they always knew something wasn't quite right. They may not see through to the neglect and abuse, but they know that underneath, we never really seemed happy. They know that underneath - well, we never really let them see underneath, did we? They know that we lived with the world at arm's length. They know there was some kind of tension and distance there.
We may hide it pretty well (or we may not, but we certainly try to). But I suspect that when those who are not themselves in denial really think about it, they find that they saw more than we think.
Some of us hide really well, and so in the first shock, you may well be the mean ones. But I doubt that survives careful reflection.
Of course, I may be too optimistic, and God knows I've been wrong before.
Peace,
Tim M.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2011 7:05:41 GMT -7
Dear need2befree,
Yes, we probably do look like the "mean" ones for several reasons:
1. They've become masters at projecting a false facade.
2. Often our reactions to small things APPEAR to be completely out of proportion. The uninformed or casual observer does not understand how much we've put up with, or what we are dealing with. Addicts are master manipulators and they easily paint us as the loons.
3. One of the friends, or imaginary buddies of the intimacy anorexic is named "victim.". They are quite accomplished at playing that card.
I for one am DONE being blamed for everything. I've already told my addict that I'd he tries to blame me for the failure of the marriage, I spill, telling all. I will not allow him to paint me as the bad guy anymore.
Stay strong.
My best, DW
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2011 10:49:03 GMT -7
Thank you both for replies, both have helped me so much in understanding all of this.
I have to say DW i have also let him know if we split i will not spil yhe beans.on.his addiction as.long.as he reapects my privacy and doesnt cause any more damage to the family than he already has.
I feel like i have to protect his addiction to protect my children.
How shameful, i have told my mother about his emotional affairs with women at his work, but i cant bring myself to tell anyone about the.porn and lusting after my friends and neighbors.
I feel people will blame me and.they already have. We were seperated and even.women.i had considered friends acted like i was being.mean.
I have had to understand that those women are in unfullfilling marriages and.were angry i was trying to fix my bad marriage. Like how dare i want better.
I have blamed myself for 20 years if i were prettier, thinner, made more money, etc. He wouldnt neglect me and.want other women.
My self esteem is so low, i am now trying to focus on me but hard to do when living with him.
I feel like i am paralyzed until this is resolved.
And yes Tim there have been mostly men, Not women that see through the facade and see his oddness, and distance and fear of other men.
Thanks for the input! It helped!
N2Bfree
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2011 8:19:39 GMT -7
Dear Need2bfree, I'm typing this on my phone, so apologize in advance for typos and disjointed thoughts.
1. Please know that you are only as sick as your secrets. This is something I learned from my first therapist and it really resonated with me. Secrecy keeps us afraid and paralyzed. If you let go of the secrecy, it loses power over you and you are free to live, really live.
2. Keeping the secret from your children only allows this to propagate through the generations. They are not unscathed by this. I would tell your kids, at an age appropriate level, what is going on. They need to know to protect themselves and deal with the damage that's been done. My 23 year old daughter knows, my 21 year old son knows some. They both know there dad is an alcoholic and that they need to be cognizant of their propensity to be addicts. They need to know that, yes..there has been an elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about, and yes, this is the elephant, and we're going to talk about it and deal with it so it can't hurt this and future generations.
3. Please know this isn't about you. Anyone who might blame you is demonstrating a profound ignorance. I would probably tell anyone who seems inclined to blame you this: "just as there is never enough alcohol to satisfy an alcoholic, there is never enough sex to satisfy a sex addict. Even swim suit model Elin Nordgren wasn't enough to satisfy Tiger Woods." Please, please, please.....know in your heart that this isn't about you. It was never about you. Any shame or embarrassment that you feel is unfounded. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Please don't carry that burden.
4. Please don't be bound to secrecy. That gives him a handle by which to control you. Please live your life free of the burden.....
Please take care of you!
|
|
