How does she know I am being truthful after so many lies

How does she know?  She doesn't.  She can't.  That's something that we, the addicts, have to accept and deal with.  We've behaved in ways that make it unreasonable to trust us now.  Trust may grow slowly; it's probably unreasonable for it to grow quickly.  After all, even if we're being honest now, honesty compels us to accept that addicts relapse all the time.

A spouse I knew on another board used to say that for every year of betrayal, it takes 2 years to restore trust.  I have no idea if that's right or not, but if it is, take heart!  Odds are you'll still be here in 2035.  By contrast, I lied to my wife for around 31 years, and expecting to be around 62 years after I started recovery is unrealistic.

That said, I think our behavior (not our words) can give evidence that we are changing.  After all, recovery isn't about not using.  It's about becoming new human beings - people capable of honesty and trust and humility and gentleness, of attentiveness and serenity and peace, of transparency and empathy and intimacy.  Of real faith.  Living those things in our lives, really changing everything, is how we give evidence of a new way of life.

I often tell the story of a friend with many years of sober recovery in SAA.  After he had been in the program for several months, he was talking with a neighbor.  The neighbor wasn't someone he knew well.  It certainly wasn't someone who knew about his sex addiction.  They were just chatting at the fence.  At some point, the neighbor suddenly said, "I don't know what it is, but you're doing something different.  You're a nicer guy than you used to be."  When that happens, not when we try to put on a "nice" front, but when that newness of life naturally shows forth, is when both we and the people around us can begin to see that for today, we are on the right path.

I guess that what this comes down to more practically is that we give evidence that we can be trusted by taking recovery seriously - by going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, reading about addiction recovery, doing serious work on counseling, praying and meditating and journaling, and being open and transparent and humble and non-defensive about the new center of our lives.  And by patiently waiting however long it takes, whether it's a year or 2 years or 24 or 62.

At least, that's how it seems to me.

Tim M.

The short answer, Chris, is that she won't know, can't know, will never know.  She will watch your DEEDS and ignore your words.

Some examples from my marriage:

If you are not "present in the moment" and not "there".........she'll know you're fantasizing.

If you make dumb mistakes while attending to monotonous and boring household tasks, she'll know you're fantasizing and not paying the slightest bit of attention to the job at hand.

If you can't recall conversations where both of you were present and supposed to be listening, she'll know you were fantasizing.

Telling the truth is one thing.........but if you're still acting out in your mind, replaying the porn, and she figures out how to tell, you'll rip open the wounds anew. 

I wouldn't go there if I were you.

Tell the truth, be present in the moment........allow time to heal her wounds.

MY best,  DW

Thank you for your reply TM2.

I am not immediately expecting to have earned her trust but need to find a way of her seeing my positive actions and the driving force behind me to rid me of the shackles of "acting out". Slowly slowly she will see I mean what I say.

I think I used to answer questions like a politician in my past and add some "spin" to earn brownie points or use really long and complex sentence structures to roll around the subject.

Now, I am much more succinct in my answers.

I wholly agree with you about becoming new or renewed in the context of changing the behaviour of the past and having a soul connected to what is good again. My course refers to drinking and nourishing and feeding on the word of the Lord and this has made a significant difference, as my mind does not stray, nor do unwanted temptations arrive at the forefront of my mind.

For me...it has also been the stark realisation that I took my religion the wrong way...in terms of being naughty, asking forgiveness and then being naughty again. This has now stopped. But sad to reflect how many years I took the wrong path and manipulated the meaning to give me a clearer conscience.

Dear Need2BFree,

Yes, being in his own little world is another sign and symptom of addiction.  Once you see it for what it is, it's easy to spot.  Another time for fantasy is when we're in the car.  He is content to let me drive.  That's "his" time.  Pfft.

When I see it happening, I don't hesitate to snap my fingers, clap my hands......say "heellllooooo, earth to husband, earth to husband.........come in."  It agravates him, but I don't care at this point.

Stay strong!!!

My best,  DW