Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 3:02:32 GMT -7
Kind of confused and I guess need clarification...
I was asked by my dh if I really love him because I haven't shown him through the years and he feels like he's pushed me too far away and I no longer love him. I have tried everything throughout our relationship to show love, from doing little things like suprise birthday parties, to trying to fix our marriage throughout the years, trying to do things to be a better wife, remembering things that may be important and meaningful to him and taking note to prepare a favorite meal or dessert or whatever else. To making sure that I fix my hair and change into a nice shirt if we were meeting for lunch just to look pretty etc but somehow none of those things and others apparently showed him love...I'm confused.
He says I'm not as affectionate as he, historically he has been the person who felt that kissing and hugging and pawing at me meant that things were good in our relationship, last time I caught him with porn that afternoon he was trying to grab me and kiss me and hug me and I just wanted to run away, I was in shock and hurting and destroyed but he was ready to move on with hugs and kisses and I admit, I might not be the most affectionate person but that is because I no longer equate affection and sex with love the way I use to. I know that just because you constantly hug and kiss someone doesnt mean things are ok or that you even are in love with them. I am affectionate with him but I'm not llike constantly grabbing at him etc...I'm just confused, am I just not showing love with the things that I do try to do?, is that not enough?, am I delusional?
 :?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 3:42:16 GMT -7
Hi Lonely1,
You are not delusional.
I am guessing at a couple of things possibly going on here. First, his addiction skews his understanding of love, not to mention that men tend to feel loved through sex, which when we do not feel loved is the last thing we want to do.
Secondly, there is the whole five love languages thing, where you may be speaking different languages. It is completely legitimate to say to him, "I have done X, Y, and Z to show love for you. In what ways have you been looking for me to show love?" If it is sexually, he is going to need to shift his paradigm, at least until such point as he has been free and done what is needed to rebuild trust. He also needs to understand that there is a line, I think in most women's minds, between the intimacy of kissing and cuddling, and any more sexual touching, even through clothes. In other words, the innocent things a believer might do before marriage feels loving, but anything further, while the relationship is still struggling, feels cheap and unloving. Their long-term behavior causes us to disconnect physical affection with love.
And did I mention that you are NOT delusional?
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 3:48:23 GMT -7
Dear Lonely1,
You're not confused. You are not delusional. You are married to a black hole of self-centeredness. He has a voracious appetite for your kindness, but he has no ability to reciprocate.
He cannot see any of the extras that you do. He is not capable of stepping outside of his self-centered little world. He's 12, tops. Let me give you an anecdote from my marriage....perhaps it will illustrate this point better than anything.........
Throughout our married life, even before the kids came along, I made him an Easter basket. I filled it with expensive chocolate........godiva and/or mozart chocolates. The first year, I didn't receive anything at all for Easter, and I was hurt, but I let it go. Second year.......I made a basket, didn't receive anything......I was hurt.......but I let it go. This pattern continued for the next 5 years, through year 7 of our marriage. I tried to let it go, but the hurt was building about this and other gift giving occassions. Year 8 came, and as I was making the kids Easter baskets, I consciously decided not to make him an Easter basket. Mind you, I had to force myself NOT to make him an Easter basket.
As a result, he literally puckered up his face in a pout, and in a little boy whine said "you don't love me anymore" with fake sobs and sniffs added for emphasis. This was a 30 year old "man." I just calmly asked him how long we'd been married. He said 8 years. I asked him how many times the Easter Bunny had visited him in those 8 years. I then asked him how many times the Easter Bunny had visited me in those 8 years.
For about a nanosecond, I saw a flash of realization come across his face. This was probably the earliest point in my marriage that I realized that I was dealing with a self-centered 2 year old.
Your addict is a black hole of self-centeredness. You are not delusional. He simply isn't capable of seeing what you do for him or reciprocating.
My best, DW
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 3:54:25 GMT -7
Thank you Truthseeker!
I explained to him that I did x, y and z but I did not ask him what way is he wanting me to show love, I'll have to do that to see where I am missing something. I don't know where you and your spouse are as far as your marriage but it feels like I've been going through this forever!. I've asked for what I need to rebuild trust and intimacy which are for him to be transparent, have a daily accountability partner, counseling and to just talk to me about his struggles but well none of that is followed through on.
He feels he's put to rest his childhood abuse with the help of his sponsor, he feels he doesn't need counseliing because his sponsor and his last counselor told him he has already dealt with and gotten over his abuse so there's no need for him to continue counseling. He doesn't feel he needs daily accountability because he's "past" that and doesn't struggle every day and he speaks to his sponsor a few times a month and if he feels any struggle he emails him or calls him and may or may not get a response depending on what is going on with his sponsor. He sometimes tells me at night about how his day went and that there was no struggle (there never has been any struggle according to him with porn or women just our marriage). When we argue or have a fight he does not update or talk to me about his day and/or struggle, it's kind of like a punishment I guess kind of like ok we fought so I don't need to tell you about my recovery today. Throughout his recovery of the past 2 years he has barely updated or shared his struggles with me...as it stands now again, he has according to him, not struggled with porn, etc just with our marriage.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 4:02:25 GMT -7
Hey DW!
Thanks for your response, he did point out that he does birthday stuff for me and holidays and anniversaries which he does do at least. But I completely understand what you mean when it comes to other stuff in my marriage, it ay not be the birthdays or holidays that are forgotten but just the everyday things.
He was speaking about how when he wasn't on porn he was fine which I clarified that even when he was not using or white knuckling it was always there, he was thinking of how to hide it or how not to get caught so to say that it is not there when they are "fine" is not true.
It's just odd how I am asked if I truly love him because he hasnt felt like I've loved him since back when we almost broke up at one point when we were going out. He said I haven't shown him that I love him and that he was looking back this morning and he realized that I probably stopped loving him back in 1998...WTHeck?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 4:16:12 GMT -7
Hi Lonely1,
It sounds like he has done what he feels he needs to do to move away from the place he was in with addiction, but has failed to grasp what it is that you need from him in order for you to move on. It does not sound like he has grasped the depths of the wounds you have suffered, or the significance of verbal communication in your road to healing and intimacy. Generally, men do not tend to be as dependent on verbal communication to meet emotional needs. Perhaps he would be open to a third party, pastor or counselor, to try and bridge the gap between his perspective of where things are and yours?
We seemed to catch the pornography use before it reached depths of addiction, so it did not take as long as for many here to regain an even keel. I am so grateful for that, but often feel ill-equipped to assist my sisters whose struggles eclipse my own.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 4:52:22 GMT -7
Truthseeker,
I've mentioned to him that I don't think he has really been broken or felt that brokenness to undertand the extent of the hurt but he says he has but he will never be able to understand the extent of the pain which I understand as he is not me.
I'm weary now of counselors as they always want to label us spouses as codependant even though we're not, we're dealing with trauma. Our pastor who helped us at one point is not well equipped (and has told us he isn't well equipped to deal with what is necessary to help couples dealing with sex addiction). Will have to keep looking, I would love to do one of Barbara Steffens intensives but it's difficult with no sitter or trusted person to watch the children...I'll let God 
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 5:36:17 GMT -7
I too am very weary of counselors.
I will not be labeled "co-dependent" simply because I ended up married to a sex addict. Anyone who automatically labels me gets a label of their very own: QUACK.
I am sick to death of teaching counselors about sexual addiction.....the underlying and derivative conditions of intimacy disorder/intimacy anorexia.
I don't think counselors can help those of us who are determined to help ourselves by reading, etc., unless they've walked in our shoes. If they have not walked in our shoes, they just don't get it.
This became immediately clear to me after my addict drank himself into oblivion last January. Our marital therapist is married to a recovering alcoholic. When I called her for advice on what to do with the addict, she sprung into action and knew EXACTLY how to treat and deal with the alcoholism. She was a godsend then.....but it made her performance with respect to sexual addiction seem even less effective. The differences in her level of competancy between alcoholism and sexual addiction are striking.
If we really want to heal and want help in healing from this, we have to seek out a trained therapist who has walked in our shoes. No one else gets it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2011 4:52:19 GMT -7
LOL yeah I would label them quacks also, it's ridiculous at points the things that they say. We went to one (male/recovered sex addict), I assumed he would be more understanding as he and his wife went through this but no, I was immediately labeled a codependent/coaddict.
I also like you, do not find 12 step groups particularly helpful to me and how I feel and go through. I have found that treating my trauma has been a much more helpful than 12 step work. I also read a lot and have worked through some things that way. Thanks for responding!!
|
|
:?
