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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2011 8:09:01 GMT -7
Today has been a turning point.
It is 12 years to the day that the incident that was the trigger for me to start acting out occurred.
Today I finally took steps to stop a business deal that has also overtaken me and become an obsession and associated me with character's who have not been good for me or my family life...In fact I have needed every assistance from my wife to break free from this, which has had an amazing power over my life. Because I have been weak I have not handled this well nor stood up for what is right for me. A desperate man is also a foolish one and blind to reality.
It is a massive step forward for me to deal with this and I know my family will see a difference...
In so many ways this firm was a poison that caused upset to my home life, triggered me to act out and now they are removed from my daily life...
Need to find a new way to create an income now...
Partly as a result of my Sex and Love addiction I know I have failed in business these past 12 years and bought my family to its knees.
It is only through the love of my wife that I have finally listened today and stopped what has caused harm....
It is only through me now being able to be realistic and honest to myself that I see I have a way forward.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2011 8:13:25 GMT -7
Wonderful!
Anniversaries like that can be very powerful. I know that part of what moved me into recovery was reaching the age my father was when he died.
At the beginning of one of my meetings, we're invited to share what works. One of the things I often say is that I think that at bottom, what works is living openly and honestly and mindfully in the present in the presence of the people around me, of my higher power, and of myself. I think that's what you're describing here.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2011 21:15:33 GMT -7
In my case, it was the death of my Dad that was the trigger to seek happiness....that was my prime motive, as I was deeply unhappy in a relationship back then. However, I know I went off the rails and off and on, have had a 12 year mid-life crisis!
The amazing thing from this, is that I did find happiness and met a wonderful woman who is my wife, but the "addict" in me still sought out more...even though I love her and it seemed whenever I could not handle the pressures of life it was me who "acted out".
Her support now means more to me than anything.
That then led to a pattern of "acting out" in person, on the phone or via the web which has caused a lot of hurt and anguish.
I know for the past 2 1/2 years that my work has become the trigger and so feel empowered to have ceased my business with them.
Each and every trigger I discover will be eliminated in order to get my life back on track.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2011 10:10:16 GMT -7
UKChris you bring up an interesting question to me about "escapism". Or you described it as "whenever I could not handle the pressures of life". I know in my many years of sexual addiction (which has wrecked my life BTW), there was always something that I felt like I needed to escape from. For me, it has been a nagging unbelief that God could come through for me in the area of relating to women. Now, it almost seems like an impossibility because I have done so much damage to myself over the course of 30 years. My pattern was more than just internet porn. It was also acting on it with prostitutes. So, what is that pressure that would cause you to seek the temporary euphoric drug of whatever your routine is? Can you say exactly what it is?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2011 9:31:44 GMT -7
Endzone, thank you for your post.
I am doing the Setting Captives Free 60 days course and this has really made me consider the pattern of my behaviour.
I was the recipient of an abusive marriage before, married to a violent partner and found it so hard to express myself. Ultimately, when my Dad died and I was 34, my wife was really angry about him dying. At his funeral I swore to myself that I would seek happiness and did not share my grief at the loss of my best friend, mentor and father.
I went off the rails at this point. (I am now 46)
I found a wonderful woman 6 weeks after my Dad died but the rot of lust had set in to me really fast. How easy it is to seek love and just find lust and sex!
I also feasted on all the lovely things said to me and it was a huge egotistical boost when I had experienced a few tough years.
I had tried to heal my diseased marriage but the counselor herself told me that it could not be saved.
So, for the coming time...in my new relationship, each time we had a dispute...(we had so many external pressures on us) I would go away to escape the argument rather than being a man and facing the problem and sorting it.
As I felt low, I would seek to relive the moment of "high" by talking to, flirting with or meeting a woman.
It is shocking to look back at how utterly addictive this was.
I know in my heart and deep in my soul how much I love my current wife and life partner, so my actions are not out of wanting another partner. It is the temporary high of the contact to make you feel better.
The fall-out of being discovered of being found guilt of acting out must be akin to the "low" that a drug or alcohol addict must feel.
Over a period of years this "hidden fantasy" life becomes part of your persona and the fact that it is hidden is exciting in a way.
Eventually...your soul dies through the lies, deceit and hurt and self destructive behaviour every bit as real as that of a drug addict but without the external signs of abuse...just a dead feeling inside where you don't feel guilt anymore...you don't feel remorse...you just apologise when you are caught.
In my case, I thank God for my wife, the advice on this site to join "setting captives free" and for me finally having the courage to talk to my Vicar and open myself to healing. Talking to a counselor has also helped and she is very strict in her views and opinions which is good. No excuses are allowed.
I have been granted another chance and know I will let down not just my wife, but a team of people if I fail and fall into remission again. That is a huge motivator for me.
Endzone, find the person you were before this addiction took its hold and open your heart to healing. It cannot be done on your own and is a team effort which has to come from your own heart's desire to be healed.
Once you have done this, you have every chance of establishing a good and healthy relationship.
You raise a really interesting question about God and I know I never really understood the fundamentals of Christianity despite a strict religious upbringing and being an active member of a Church for much of my life....
Apart from about 10-12 years or so.
I never understood the real meaning of Jesus dying on the cross for us and about grace, forgiveness and hope.
Working through the bible on this course has shown me the real relevance of words written 2000 years ago to a problem in our day and age.
However, the problems of lust, immorality, impurity and all things sex are as old as man himself, so the bible is well versed to guide us away from all that does us harm.
It is an interesting reflection to my first marriage that was awful to experience, was initiated by me falling in lust with this woman in a wine bar and seeking her for all the wrong reasons. Shute...does this mean my lust problem started with her some 7 years before the 12 I indicated in my post on the 25th?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2011 11:02:47 GMT -7
UKChris, thank you for your encouraging words. I don't know if you're in England or not, but I had a British fellow tell me a few months ago that London was one of the most unfriendly cities in the world. I'm not sure where you live, but you must be quite the good looking guy with the great personality if you can hook up with good looking women in pubs in the UK.
You know I think it is part of the male nature to always want somebody different--and younger. That is part of our fallen nature. Really there aren't a whole lot of people (Christians included) that are willing to hear from the Lord by the Holy Spirit about who their life partner is that they will marry. But the Bible does say, "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder". I have heard people say you are better off being single than to be married and in a bad relationship. I've never been married, but I know I would be a very unhappy camper if I got cut off by my hot wife because we couldn't get along. And a lot of these good looking women can be very self-centered.
It's funny how God made us all so different. I could never seperate love from sex with any girl I really cared about. I never had sex with any girl I dated in church. In fact I've never had sex with any woman that wasn't a hooker. I guess really I longed for real love and intimacy with a woman. I had plenty of sex with over 500 different prostitutes, and it is all emptiness. I was trying to fill a legitimate need (intimacy and closeness) in an illegitimate way by having just raw sex with hookers.
I have a Christian friend with a cute 5-year-old girl who just recently got divorced. They were married for 15 years. He told me that the problem was that he just didn't take the lead in the relationship and take responsibility for keeping it together. Plus he was not really the empathic type if you know what I mean. I think his wife got the feeling that he just wasn't listening to her.
Well, I'm not going to give marriage advice to a brother when I myself have never been married. All I'll say is that to be submitted to the law of God you can only have one woman. You have to have it all for her--just one person. I pray the Lord give you wisdom about what to do brother. In closing I'll just say I've had 500 different women. I'm not bragging, but it is the truth. A lot of them were 7s, 8s, and some occasional 9s and 10s. I've done everything there is to do although I rarely had anal sex as I still think it is weird. But, it didn't satisfy. The thing that is so valuable is a close intimate relationship with a woman you are married to. This is the real valuable thing, and you could never get it even if you had a billion one night stands or partners.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I tend to agree with you that there must be a solution for me too. I just don't know what it is at this point.
God bless,
EZ
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2011 12:58:05 GMT -7
What are you doing at this point to recover?
To me, sex addiction is just like any other addiction. I can't expect to get better unless I'm doing what I'd advise a friend addicted to alcohol or cocaine to do. That would include working both with other addicts in support groups and working with a professional counselor to uncover root causes and to build a new way of life. Addiction is a vertical problem in our relationship with God, but it's also a horizontal problem in our relationships with other people and an inner problem in our relationship with ourself. For me, and for many of the addicts I know, addressing all those problems is part of the solution.
May you find the freedom you seek!
Tim M.
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