Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2011 21:06:58 GMT -7
I have been reading through a lot of threads, in which people are dealing with questioning the unfaithful spouse, in hopes at getting to the truth. I don't know if I am cynical, or just too beaten down, but this has made me realize that I don't bother to question my husband, because I don't have one shred of hope that he would be honest with me.
Frankly, I think this is largely due to his own delusions. IOW, I think he may believe the lies he tells me. At best, he tells me the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, while blatantly lying about anything else. It's like seeing a single cockroach, and based on that single roach, trying to make a determination about how many roaches are behind the wall. I think he's fighting hard to believe that the one cockroach, is all there is.
Those of you who have been the porn user, etc. does this make any sense?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2011 2:48:55 GMT -7
Dear Hisheart,
This makes perfect sense to me. Addicts lie to themselves first and foremost. Then they lie to us to cover up the lies they've told themselves. I've learned to observe his body language and facial expressions and I can now tell when he is overtly lying AND I CALL HIM ON IT. Regardless of whether I believe he is overtly lying or not, I don't trust him AT ALL. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, because I believe/recognize that he lies to himself and can convincingly re-deliver those lies to me without blinking. In my experience, the lying never ends.
Trust is gone and will never return. He's lied to me the entire 25 year term of our marriage. There's no recovering from that.
My best to you, DW
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2011 4:47:07 GMT -7
It does to me. Hiding is a huge part of this addiction, and honesty is very scary, whether it is honesty with others or with ourselves. One of Carnes' four core beliefs of an addict is, "No one would love me if they saw me as I truly am." If I believe that, then of course I will hide from you. I will also hide from myself, because who even knows what would happen if I clearly saw the horror of my own self?
So we lie and evade and minimize, desperately hoping that this time, we can make all that true. There's no reason we can't, right? We just have to be really committed this time, be strong and say no. We can do that this time, can't we? So it isn't a lie at all. It's a statement of who we now are and can be.
Tim M.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2011 5:17:25 GMT -7
Thank you for your responses. That is what has made it so hard to cut through the lies, is that he has such elaborate delusions. Whenever I have tried to bring anything up, no matter how gently, I end up feeling like I have just been in a sandstorm. I feel dazed for days. Then I fight to regain clarity.
Tim, You brought something up that I have been considering lately. It occurred to me that as long as he is never honest with me, how could he ever know that I love him? You know, I am the one who spent so long, wondering if he loved me, but I now realize that he, even more so can't know if I love him, because he doesn't let me know who he is.
If there was a way, for me to show him what I know,(which is way more than he thinks) and show him that I still love him, yet , was still able to to draw firm boundaries, that would be awesome. I think the key is praying that he will understand that he doesn't have to take his obsession in as who he is. Maybe I am just rambling.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2011 1:32:02 GMT -7
As Tim says, "No one would love me as I am". I've never had that love confirm to me by Father. My mom passed away when I was young, the only person who cared, loved me other than God unconditionally was my wife. It breaks my heart just to see the tears in her eyes. I was too scared to let her know, all my secrets. I was afraid to loose her. I did loose her, the only hope I have is to be honest with her. First and foremost, I need to be honest with myself. No lying or hiding. If I tell the truth , it is going to hurt her. but it is less painful than the lies and fabricated stories, half truth. Christ says. "the truth will set you free". If I am truthful I will be free indeed, Sin will not have power over me. Whenever my wife does some good, in return of my unfaithfulness. It just breaks my heart. It is like, giving a glass of water to your enemy. I feel like, I do not deserve this. But in the end, that's how God made us, being naked, no fig leaf(man made cover). Being honest, it will take long time. In my case 3 years, we are still seperated. Everyday I ask God, to give me sober, for my sake, even if my wife and me come back together. I can enjoy her fellowship.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2012 14:23:20 GMT -7
I am a recovering sex addict. The issue with me was learning to love my self to really see that other people can love me and I can be a worthy person. That requires for me to really see and accept my faults as a person. This is very difficult to accept for a normal person and for an addict it even harder. Once I started accepting this I was ready to change. This is hard years of a person using these faults. Even till today I have at times a quick temper and hurt my family with my words and it is something that I hate myself for doing and it is a struggle when it happened but I keep trying to rid myself of it. Lying is a defense to cover the ugly in the addict it is the only defense we have that's why it is so intense.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2012 11:02:39 GMT -7
Thank you for your responses. That is what has made it so hard to cut through the lies, is that he has such elaborate delusions. Whenever I have tried to bring anything up, no matter how gently, I end up feeling like I have just been in a sandstorm. I feel dazed for days. Then I fight to regain clarity. Tim, You brought something up that I have been considering lately. It occurred to me that as long as he is never honest with me, how could he ever know that I love him? You know, I am the one who spent so long, wondering if he loved me, but I now realize that he, even more so can't know if I love him, because he doesn't let me know who he is. If there was a way, for me to show him what I know,(which is way more than he thinks) and show him that I still love him, yet , was still able to to draw firm boundaries, that would be awesome. I think the key is praying that he will understand that he doesn't have to take his obsession in as who he is. Maybe I am just rambling. Hisheart; I would challenge you to divide the problems into two; What has he done?/ What does he do? on one side, and on the other side; What are your problems?/ What have you done wrong/ What do you do wrong? Who is the owner of the problem and who is responsible for the problem? Don't steal his problems! You'll only get frustrations, irritations and muscle-problems maybe if you steal his problems? Jail for you? Best regards |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2012 7:08:54 GMT -7
This is truly what I'm dealing with...I will NEVER trust my hub.....(you can read my background info over on the masturbation thread, "Understanding the BigM"....).....I am to the point, that if I had a job, and knew someone...I would certainly leave my deadbeat hub. I'm so sick of the lies. My hub doesn't cheat, but he is a huge addict: Pills, pot, porn (yes, the 3 P's)...though out my whole marriage I have said to him "just tell me the truth"...and he will tell me he can't tell me the truth because I over-react. I tell him I do so, due to the lies, you can see how this come full circle. I hate lies, I hate deceit, and I hate being treated like a child. NO respect for me at all. I have supported us, done everything, and now he tells me he deeps us afloat, and I'm not doing anything...excuse me?  HE locks his study door when he leaves the house, and yet when he goes to bed before me, it is wide open. He claims I snoop, so he has to....IF I wanted to I could get in there, but why? So I can see the nasty mega amounts of dvds, mags, etc that he has? He is as worthless as they come.....he has health issues, low testosterone (gets injections), and yet tells me he has no desire...really? WHY lock everything up...I told him I KNOW he has it...etc etc....he said he doesn't want me snooping....I don't even go in there, barely when I have to talk to him...last week I went through the trash, just to prove that he was lying to me (wasn't going to tell him), but for some reason I didn't tie up his trash like I normally do...just took it out. I made mention of sex addict, which in turn made him go through the trash, to see if I went through the trash (while I was out of the house)...he then confronts me....and starts screaming at me that I have the problem...sweet. HE totally pushes me into wanting to go out with someone else...and just have a friend who will listen to me, trust me, admire me, etc. I KNOW the traps....I know how vulnerable I am...I get it all...but right now I just feel like shutting everyone out...just want to find a job to get out of the house...and then I want to leave him....I don't feel there is anymore hope for my marriage....SOMEONE tell me your opinion....I have a hub who claims NOT to be a sex addict, we haven't had sex in nearly 9 years, he doesn't do any work around the house, nor does he work a job, nor does he do yardwork, I do everything outside-inside-maintenance-cooking-cleaning-bills-shopping-etc, PLUS have to find a job and support US, he verbally abuses me to the point of me screaming and bawling my eyes out...then will tell me I'm a mess...later apologizes and tells me we need to stick together...he is a Christian and knows a ton about the bible....I honestly feel like a prisioner in my own home...after supper, I try to announce when I'm coming down the stairs, and usually NEVER go downstairs unless doing laundry or cleaning....I don't go downstairs in the evening....too embarassing for either party. MY family would honestly die if they knew what he put me through, I hide it all. I think the guilt-shame-condemation (yes, from Satan)....keeps me bound.
ANYWAYS....I am totally stuck, as I'm a Christian that never would have thought of divorce, don't want to give up, but my marriage is nothing but pain and heartache, and a total joke.....I basically just survive....I know God wants more for me...for my marriage...and I don't want to leave nor divorce...but truly I feel it is distroying me mentally...physically, etc.
|
|
HE locks his study door when he leaves the house, and yet when he goes to bed before me, it is wide open. He claims I snoop, so he has to....IF I wanted to I could get in there, but why? So I can see the nasty mega amounts of dvds, mags, etc that he has? He is as worthless as they come.....he has health issues, low testosterone (gets injections), and yet tells me he has no desire...really? WHY lock everything up...I told him I KNOW he has it...etc etc....he said he doesn't want me snooping....I don't even go in there, barely when I have to talk to him...last week I went through the trash, just to prove that he was lying to me (wasn't going to tell him), but for some reason I didn't tie up his trash like I normally do...just took it out. I made mention of sex addict, which in turn made him go through the trash, to see if I went through the trash (while I was out of the house)...he then confronts me....and starts screaming at me that I have the problem...sweet. HE totally pushes me into wanting to go out with someone else...and just have a friend who will listen to me, trust me, admire me, etc. I KNOW the traps....I know how vulnerable I am...I get it all...but right now I just feel like shutting everyone out...just want to find a job to get out of the house...and then I want to leave him....I don't feel there is anymore hope for my marriage....SOMEONE tell me your opinion....I have a hub who claims NOT to be a sex addict, we haven't had sex in nearly 9 years, he doesn't do any work around the house, nor does he work a job, nor does he do yardwork, I do everything outside-inside-maintenance-cooking-cleaning-bills-shopping-etc, PLUS have to find a job and support US, he verbally abuses me to the point of me screaming and bawling my eyes out...then will tell me I'm a mess...later apologizes and tells me we need to stick together...he is a Christian and knows a ton about the bible....I honestly feel like a prisioner in my own home...after supper, I try to announce when I'm coming down the stairs, and usually NEVER go downstairs unless doing laundry or cleaning....I don't go downstairs in the evening....too embarassing for either party. MY family would honestly die if they knew what he put me through, I hide it all. I think the guilt-shame-condemation (yes, from Satan)....keeps me bound.