Realisation is sinking in

Hi LadyP,

Has your husband sought a more traditional hourly or salaried position?

I pray that God will guide and direct you as you weigh your options.

TruthSeeker

Dear LadyP,

I'm so sorry.  I feel your pain.  I know you will get through this somehow.  Please understand that one of our most basic needs as women and mothers is financial safety and security.  This financial strain is only adding to the anguish you currently feel over your husband's sexual escapades. 

Your husband has to find a real job that pays a consistent salary.  You need this bit of stability in your life right now.  If he is unwilling to do that, I really think you need to separate yourself from him.   England, as I understand it, has many more social programs than we do here in the US.  Can some agency help you with the rent?  Help with food?  Help with childcare while you work? 

Please don't be afraid to ask for help.  One of the things I've had to get over is the idea that I can handle it all.......come what may. 

And I really don't think you should act as his accountability partner.  That puts you in the position of policeman.  That's not your role or shouldn't be your role in your husband's life.  You are supposed to be his wife, not his mommy, not his policeman. 

The realizations that come along are really painful.  Perhaps this is the first time you are seeing your husband clearly.  I know there were several times along this path that I was left with my mouth agape in absolute disbelief of something he had said or done.  It is astounding how childish they can be, how frankly STUPID they can be, how inconsiderate they can be, etc.  I really think porn addiction impairs their ability to think critically.

Please take care of yourself.

My best,  DW

I want to concur strongly with the notion that for wives to be accountability partners for husbands is untenable.  Of course husbands need to be honest with their wives, but to expect to be accountability partners seems to me to be impossibly difficult emotionally for both parties.

That's especially true in cases like what you describe, where your husband appears to have issues of power and control.

Further, despite the popularity of the phrase "accountability partner" especially in Christian recovery circles, I think we addicts need something a good bit more than that.  We need someone who really understands what addiction is like from inside and what recovery is like from inside who can both guide us on the path and call us out when we're deluding ourselves.  I think that requires another sober addict.  I've tried to use my priest that way, but bless his heart, he isn't an addict, and he doesn't understand.  What seems sensible to him - and what in fact is completely rational - isn't something I can do.  I need guidance and support from people who really understand us from inside.  It's not enough to be accountable.  I need to learn a whole new way to live.  Unless you've done that in your own life or have a lot of professional training, you can't help him do that.

Bottom line: your reaction of NO WAY settles the question completely, of course; but even if you were willing to try, this addict sees a whole fistful of reasons why that's a bad idea.  If he's serious about getting better, he'll listen to that and find someone else.  If he's serious about recovery, he'll take seriously the necessity many of us have found for support fellowships and for professional counseling.

I'll stop preaching to the choir; I just wanted to give you a reaction from an addict that you're right about this.

Tim M.