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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2011 8:47:40 GMT -7
Let me state for the record that I would never defend anyone who is verbally or physically abusive with his wife. I am aware however that this addiction when discovered is a lot like mental abuse to a wife,but it is in no way intentional. For a man to tell his wife that this is normal and she is going to just have to deal with it,is absolutely wrong. It is also a lie that it is normal and all men do it. This is an excuse to try and justify what we know in our heart of hearts is wrong. It does not take a real man to sit in front of his computer when no one is looking and satisfy his own flesh with no one to answer to or think about but, "Me". It does not take a real man to give in to the fleshly desires that are ingrained into our bodies from puberty, and practice no self control. A real man is a man that can love, honor respect, and please his wife. A man that can hold his head high and know that he is truly the high priest of his home as God designed us to be and his wife and children have nothing to fear or be ashamed of.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 4:00:54 GMT -7
Even before the addiction is revealed, there is abuse that occurs as a direct result of the addiction.
If you were honest with yourself and others, you'd admit that part and parcel of porn addiction involves discrediting and demeaning your wife to justify your behavior. That discrediting and demeaning takes many forms and it destroys the wifes self-esteem even before she knows that her husband is addicted to porn and masturbation. You aren't "wonderful guys except for this little porn problem." You are addicts first and foremost. Your addiction, whether revealed or not, has a terrible impact on the family, on the wife. When she finds the porn, it's another blow. When he blames her for the porn, it's another blow. Whether this abuse is intentional or not is of no consequence. It is real. It is unexcusable at any level.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2011 3:06:03 GMT -7
There are so many things that I am just realizing had to do with the porn, that I didn't put together before. For instance, he called my son a monster for something that didn't call for anything remotely close to that. You know, and oversensitivity to things. Inappropriate anger that doesn't line up with the incident.
I am beginning to see how this has taken over his mind. Everything is seen through a delusional lens, that protects his ego. Ironcally, I think the porn itself is part of this. But then, the porn brings in shame, so it is counterproductive.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2011 4:04:01 GMT -7
For me, abusive anger was very much part and parcel of the addictive cycle. This is common for many (all?) addicts, and a counselor I've worked with asserts that it is the most harmful part of our behavior for our children and for those around us. The frequency, she says, doesn't matter - whether it's every day, or every 3 years. What matters is the unpredictability, which leaves children and wives always walking on eggshells, always trying to control and to manage something that is out of control and unmanageable, always trying to find in themselves some explanation for events they have nothing to do with, but that arise exclusively from inside the addict.
I list rage behavior as an addictive bottom line, and am deeply blessed to have been able to let it go almost completely.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2011 4:21:59 GMT -7
Dear HisHeart,
You're seeing things clearly for the first time. I describe finding the porn as the "aha!" moment....a moment in time when all the technicolor pieces of my life----pieces that made no sense or had no logical explanation----assembled themselves into a heavy black frame and presented themselves to me as a complete, clear picture. Suddenly, everything made sense.....the anger, the blaming, the demeaning and belittling, the complete lack of emotional intimacy........everything made sense.
I can remember one of the first screaming sessions I had with my husband after the confrontation. I said something like: "Throughout the years, throughout the sessions of marriage counseling, it never occurred to you that THIS was the source of our problems?" He said "no." It was one of the many times when my mouth was left agape. I instinctively knew that porn had poisoned every aspect of our lives. He claims to have been clueless. You are absolutely correct when you state that they see everything through a delusional lens. This addiction impacts every aspect of their lives.
Please, never doubt your perceptions of the situation. Chances are, they are dead on accurate.
My best to you, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2011 4:28:32 GMT -7
For me, abusive anger was very much part and parcel of the addictive cycle. This is common for many (all?) addicts, and a counselor I've worked with asserts that it is the most harmful part of our behavior for our children and for those around us. The frequency, she says, doesn't matter - whether it's every day, or every 3 years. What matters is the unpredictability, which leaves children and wives always walking on eggshells, always trying to control and to manage something that is out of control and unmanageable, always trying to find in themselves some explanation for events they have nothing to do with, but that arise exclusively from inside the addict. I list rage behavior as an addictive bottom line, and am deeply blessed to have been able to let it go almost completely. Tim M. :DYeah!!!! I am so happy to hear that rage is gone. It really is so wonderful to see growth and healing in people! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2011 4:29:13 GMT -7
Dear HisHeart, You're seeing things clearly for the first time. I describe finding the porn as the "aha!" moment....a moment in time when all the technicolor pieces of my life----pieces that made no sense or had no logical explanation----assembled themselves into a heavy black frame and presented themselves to me as a complete, clear picture. Suddenly, everything made sense.....the anger, the blaming, the demeaning and belittling, the complete lack of emotional intimacy........everything made sense. I can remember one of the first screaming sessions I had with my husband after the confrontation. I said something like: "Throughout the years, throughout the sessions of marriage counseling, it never occurred to you that THIS was the source of our problems?" He said "no." It was one of the many times when my mouth was left agape. I instinctively knew that porn had poisoned every aspect of our lives. He claims to have been clueless. You are absolutely correct when you state that they see everything through a delusional lens. This addiction impacts every aspect of their lives. Please, never doubt your perceptions of the situation. Chances are, they are dead on accurate. My best to you, DW Thank you! I wish there was a hugging emoticon! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2011 16:00:32 GMT -7
Sorry!
Most men in Western Corrupt society DO NOT beat their wives because of Pornography or Masturbation. I would dare to say they do attack them because of various Anit-Male political movements such as Feminism and Cultural Marxism.
This is a TOTALLY NON-SEX related topic.
And to put it straight out, I would say Jesus, would probably NOT have a problem attacking Feminist or other leftist Cultural Marxist.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2011 16:44:27 GMT -7
Sorry! Most men in Western Corrupt society DO NOT beat their wives because of Pornography or Masturbation. I would dare to say they do attack them because of various Anit-Male political movements such as Feminism and Cultural Marxism. This is a TOTALLY NON-SEX related topic. And to put it straight out, I would say Jesus, would probably NOT have a problem attacking Feminist or other leftist Cultural Marxist. So a man beats his wife because of a political movement, and Jesus is okay with that??:shock: |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2011 17:45:45 GMT -7
So Society Trashes the male population, drives down the marriage rate, and destroys the entire infrastructure of society while corrupting the very religion the
Jesus taught.
And Jesus is Ok with it?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2011 3:47:15 GMT -7
Wandering,
Perhaps you're slightly missing the purpose of this board, which is recovery from the effects of porn/sex addiction. What most men do who are not sex addicts isn't really much help to those of us who are, nor is general political discourse. My problem isn't that society has negative attitudes toward men (if that is true); my problem is within my own soul, and centers on an addictive relationship to sex. Politics, or even why other people are abusive, doesn't really help me. I was abusive as part of the whole addictive structure of my life, and for me, the way out of the addiction and the abuse have to go together.
It might make more sense for us to try to focus here on our own personal recovery, and to deal with extraneous issues somewhere else. Additionally, angrily blaming others is for many of us a huge part of the addictive pattern. It's possible that turning inward and trying to understand the anger and blaming might be a useful piece of the path away from addictive behavior. That was certainly true for me.
Are there things you want to share about your own experience of sexual addiction and recovery?
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2011 15:42:35 GMT -7
Tim
Wallowing about in a form of self pity is NOT a form of healing. It is certainly NOT what the apostles would have done. On the subject of sex and abuse, this society has such a warped view of gender relations that even having a correct definition of what "Abuse" is would be a top parity.
I would say the first step in healing is dump the self pity, it will get you nowhere.
Second take a cold hard look at reality and what caused the abuse, including the behaviours of your wife/Girlfriend.
When you get to those points, find other brothers, that will back and support you.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2011 16:07:41 GMT -7
Done. There isn't self-pity.
I am quite clear about my own abusive behavior, thank you. The suggestion that I ought to begin blaming others for my own actions doesn't show a lot of understanding of my situation, nor, indeed, or anyone else's.
I don't see that your website, which strikes me as, to say it gently, hateful, offers anything to me or to anybody. Hatred never cease by hatred. Hatred seaces only by love. This is a timeless law.
Finally, presuming to judge and criticize another man's wife is not really the best way to make friends.
The custom in 12-step fellowships, which I think is an extraordinarily useful one, is that we share our own experience, strength, and hope without attempting to offer advice or to direct the lives of others. Each member can then take from the shares of others what may be useful to them and leave the rest. This directs us inward when others share, and it means that our own words, which are about only our own experience, and certain to be true, and are often quite powerful.
Is there anything you want to share about your own addiction and recovery? Are you even an addict, or just here to enjoy a squabble? In the latter case, I continue to think you might find other fora more to your liking.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2011 1:03:45 GMT -7
Tim is one of the clearest thinking individuals who post here.
Wives and girlfriends never, I repeat NEVER, cause the abuse.
Your attempts to blame the victim are quite telling.
I suggest a but of introspection is in order.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2011 4:24:57 GMT -7
Wandering, I do not know how you could conceive that the link I removed fulfills Philippians 4:8, or how the tone of your posts fulfills Romans 12:16-21. That covers both your contentious demeanor, and your assertion that there is anything another human being can do, especially one's wife to whom one has covenanted to love, honor and cherish, could do anything that would ever justify especially a believer's lack of self-control to the point of abuse.
TruthSeeker
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