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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2011 5:32:37 GMT -7
I was addicted to P&M for 31 years. I was raised in a spirit filled Christian home. I had godly parents. I never have turned my back on Christ, yet I was an addict. I was trying to serve two masters. It can’t be this way. I tried so hard during my first marriage to get freedom. I did everything I could to convince my wife that I loved her and wanted to get over this and save our marriage. Even to the point of spending some time in a mental hospital. We were both young and unfortunately she was unable to continue despite my efforts. I will say this; whether anyone else believes it or not you can be a sex addict and still love your spouse. I read another post where someone mentioned how as men we can so compartmentalize our lives that one part of our life can in a sense be totally independent of another. The one blessing that came from my first marriage was my beautiful daughter. After my divorce I was devastated, while my ex was immediately in another marriage. Divorce hurts a lot. When you love your spouse the pain this causes is unimaginable. Without a doubt the fact that I totally blamed myself made it even worse. I moved on and while I still struggled with my addiction I was actively seeking freedom. As a Christian I knew I would never be free without Christ help. However I also know that God gives us free will and that He will never do something to us that would take away or freedom of choice. So many times I would think and pray†God just remove the desire for sex, from my life". God put that there for a reason. It is a gift designed not only for pro creation but for a committed and married man and woman to be able to express their love to each other in a way that can only be shared by them. As an addict I had a distorted view of sex, again from the time I was 12 years old and saw my first pornographic magazine and masturbated.
I said all that to say this. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christ has delivered me in every imaginable way and I could not have made it without Him. He was there all along, and was ready to deliver me every time I asked. The problem was not Him it was me. I was like the dog that continually returns to its vomit. When I finally realized that this was it and I had to truly lay it at the Cross to not pick it up again, He was still there as before. The difference now... I have no desire to go back. A year and a half of true freedom, a year and a half of my marriage now to my second wife being the best thing I could possibly imagine. My wife tells me everyday how proud she is of the man and father I have become. I always remind her that it is not by my strength or power it is only by the grace of God. You can believe what you want, but I can guarantee you that there is a God in heaven and if it were not for him I would not have the freedom I now enjoy.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2011 9:27:48 GMT -7
Mike W,
Thank you for sharing your grace story. Every time I feel like I am winning the battle & go for weeks without P/M, then I fall. I know I'm not the man I used to be but at the same time I feel like I haven't changed. In those moments of guilt & regret I do talk to God & ask him to take me but ofcourse that's the selfish side of me.
Again, thank you for sharing as this disease continues to be present in my life.
Today is a good day!
MP
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2011 10:03:56 GMT -7
Mp, it is a vicious roller coaster on the road to recovery, but the madness can end once we truely submitt ourselves to Jesus. I know so very well how hard it is, but you can be totally and completely free. Your making those steps now. Dont give up. Get you a strong christian brother you can trust to be an accountability partner. It would be best for this to be a man you can talk to in person and local. In the meantime feel free to use the forums here and also feel free to private message me if you would ever feel the need. I'll be lifting you up in prayer from here in Texas.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 1:18:43 GMT -7
Mike,
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope!
I wonder what place is played in your recovery by relations with other people and with yourself?
My perception of addiction is that it's a 3-fold problem:
I have a vertical problem with God, and I need to find s new relationship of genuine trust and surrender with Him.
I have a horizontal problem with other people. I feel inadequate with respect to them, and I do not trust them and I hide from them. I'm only safe if I can hide behind a façade, and so I end up cut off and isolated. I need to learn that I can safely open up to others, that I can trust, that I can share, that it's not only OK to be with others and like others, but that it is deeply blessed, that if I allow others to see me, I can still live and be loved.
I have an inner problem of mistrust of myself. I'm afraid of my own feelings, afraid that if I see myself clearly I will be destroyed by the horror of my emptiness and inadequacy. I therefore hide from myself, pushing down my feelings and escaping into neverlands of addiction, splintering myself into different personalities that act at cross-purposes and that do not touch one another. I need to find the courage to step toward my fears, to feel them, to let them go. I need to dare to investigate what I feel, to learn who I am, to accept myself as God accepts me.
For me, all three of those problems are interlaced, and all three of those forms of recovery support one another as a tripod of health.
In your posts, you talk about the first leg of this tripod. I wonder if the other legs are also there as well, or if your experience is different from mine? I have trouble thinking of any piece of this package in isolation, and I know that many years of focusing exclusively on the vertical element of my problems without facing either the horizontal or the inner piece brought me no healing at all.
Just he friendly question of someone working to see all the aspects of healing in myself and others.
Peace,
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 4:59:51 GMT -7
"... I did everything I could to convince my wife that I loved her and wanted to get over this and save our marriage...." You did everything you could to CONVINCE YOUR WIFE that you loved her and wanted to get over this. Did you do everything possible to actually get over this? Sounds like you were acting and she correctly recognized it for what it was. Let me give you some advice, as long as you are lusting after another woman or women, your wife will NEVER believe that you love her. Doesn't matter what you do in addition to that. If you are maturbating to porn, your wife will never believe you love her. NEVER. That's reality. Welcome to it.
"... Even to the point of spending some time in a mental hospital. We were both young and unfortunately she was unable to continue despite my efforts...."
She was unable to continue despite your efforts? How about: She correctly deduced after many failed attempts that I was not yet serious about recovery?
I still see "blame the victim" and failure to accept 100% of the responsibility for the failure of your first marriage throughout your post. I'm not so sure that you are as far along in your recovery as you think you are.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 5:44:08 GMT -7
TM2 I have to start this reply by telling you this, I am a simple man and it is only by the grace of God that I am where I am today. It is only by the grace of God that my wife and I have survived this, that she has forgiven me and trust is being rebuilt more and more everyday. Our marriage is no longer centered on my addiction and struggles and we are moving on to bigger and better things. He has a plan for our life together and I know for me that part of that plan is to share the hope that I have in Him. I have to say that acknowledging the pain that our selfishness causes is a big part of the recovery process. Your wife’s acceptance of your genuine desire for freedom and love for her could very well take a long time, a lot of this will depend on her faith and help she is hopefully getting from other women who have been through this and have seen their husbands and marriages saved. As hard as it is in some ways it is really simple and we should be careful not to over analyze it. Your ultimate freedom can only come through Jesus Christ. The blame for your addiction can be put on no one but ourselves. If anything our desire to improve our relations should help us through this. As an example, for me I realized that as my son got older that he may well face some of the same issues I went through. I wanted to be able to be there for him and be able to honestly help him know what is and is not appropriate, without the inner guilt of knowing I was living a double standard. I know this post seems to be rambling but in short, once you reach the point of true freedom from this addiction, then and only then will all the other pieces of your life start falling back into place. Your main focus should be recovery. Don’t try to fix everything at once. Your wife is in pain, and you do not have the answer for that right now
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 7:07:31 GMT -7
False. You are an addict. Addicts are never cured or free. You are in recovery and will be for the rest of your life. If you don't realize that, you are especially prone to relapse.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 8:08:03 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 11:20:47 GMT -7
Mike, Thanks for the reply. So our experiences really do sound somewhat different. What I hear you saying is that for you, it isn't a tripod, but rather that the vertical element is paramount. That's not how it worked for me. I couldn't find openness toward God except in the context of openness toward others and toward self. With regard to your other points, - I'm not persuaded that "blame for our addiction" is a useful category, but obviously we're responsible for our actions, and obviously our actions have been very grave. My reply to the thread at blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=1947&forum_id=21 is one small acknowledgment of that fact. - Helping our kids goes a lot deeper than telling them what's appropriate and what isn't. Addictions run in families, and the family structures we create act to perpetuate themselves and the associated addictions across generations. Helping our kids includes working with them to build new ways of being a family that allow them to step out of the cycle and to begin something new. That's hard work, and it's part of why absolute honesty with our kids about our own addictive struggles is so critical. - I certainly agree that recovery has to be the center of our lives. - My wife chooses to manage her inner life in different ways than I do, and part of my task in life is accepting that fact and affirming her choices for herself. For me to believe I had the answers for her pain, or for anyone's, would be presumptuous in the extreme. All I can do is to work on me, report the results to others, and allow them to take anything from my experience that might be useful to them. Diagnosing and prescribing for others is above my pay grade. - If anyone has the capability to overanalyze, that would be me; but I don't think I'm either doing that or trying to fix everything at once. I think I'm describing a process of steady and organic growth in which I'm participating. May you be blessed if that process is not relevant to you. Peace, Tim M. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2011 11:36:26 GMT -7
TM2 I can only speak for my own life and I cant make it any more complicated than I see it. I can only pray that others can gleem hope from thoughts I share on recovery and ultimate freedom in my life. Be blessed in your recovery.
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