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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2011 8:17:45 GMT -7
Hello again,
Thought things were going fine until I got the urge to check the history on our computer today, all the history for the past three weeks was there except for this past Tuesday when I was not home. I asked about it and was told that he was not on the computer while I was out, I reminded him that he was sitting at the computer when I came in the house. I was then told that just because he didn't remember at the time of the question doesn't mean that he is doing naything wrong and that he has " a lot on his mind" and couldn't remember.
We have safe eyes on our computer so he told me to check the info there but here's the thing, back in February I received a info report from safe eyes saying that someone tried to access adultfriend finder and was blocked from it, when I aske dhim he claimed not to know how that could have happened and that he had nothing to do with it.
Am I just stupid?, seriously, am I just blinded or delusional to even question and wait for an answer when I see this things or should I just smarten up and assume what I already kindda do?...he then said he didn't do anything wrong and if I thought he did then I "have a choice on what (I) need to do".
Guess I want very much to believe that there is nothing going on but I really am not sure that everything is ok.
L1
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2011 11:33:54 GMT -7
Hi Lonely1,
I would still check the Safeeyes report. Might he have been doing word processing or playing a game, not surfing?
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2011 2:19:33 GMT -7
Hi Truthseeker,
Unfortunately no, no wordpricessing or game playing going on. I checked safeeyes but it's not necessarily flagging anything in particular. He has also told me that if he wanted to bypass safeeyes at any point and look for porn he could so who knows.
Think right now I'm feeling the same way as DW in another post where you just get this regret about not having run the first time things happened. Maybe it's because I'm just tired right now or angry but I kind of feel like a dummy thinking back on when things came out in 2009 and how he would just blame me and tell me that he wasn't happy with me or our marriage and I just cried and would beg him to not leave me, I would actually ty to find ways to make sure he was happy so he would stay and I would try to read all sorts of books and things to help what I thought was my problem. I feel like the biggest fool when I look back at myself at that point and in retrospect feel like I should have just let him make whatever decision he wanted to make regarding leaving me, I shouldn't have begged and stooped myself that low, I was worth more than that.
At this point I guess I'm just wondering, how does one know if this is what God wants for us, how does one know if this is the marriage God intended. Think I am trying to process a lot of the regrets regarding how I handled when everything came out, how I could have been stronger but wasn't, how I could have just said "whatever" and let him leave or just leave him myself and move on and how maybe perhaps our lives would have been better than the crap we are in right now. Think I'm just very angry at this point and feel very foolish.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2011 2:23:35 GMT -7
I also feel like even now there's things that I want to say that although may just be in anger and irrational would help me express that pain I guess but I hold it in because at other points where I try to express them to him he ends up looking forlorn and dejected and it makes me feel bad that I've hurt him. Even though he has NO problem whatsoever in telling me exactly how he feels about things that I have done or how he feels regardless of how harsh and then justifies it by aying he's letting his feelings out "whether right or wrong".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2011 11:37:54 GMT -7
Hi Lonely1,
If you haven't noted the recommendation from other posts, I suggest Boundaries in Marriage, and/or Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They are not specific to recovery issues, but are very empowering in terms of defining what relationships should and should not look like, and how to change them, or evaluate whether or not to continue in them.
It disturbs me that your husband would be engaging in the defiance and disrespect of "I can do it if I want." We have used SafeEyes, and it seemed pretty air tight to me, but I am no hacker.
You might try writing down the thoughts and feelings that you are hesitant to share. Give them a little time to sit, then look at them again, (after prayer for wisdom and discernment would be a good idea,) and decide if any or all of them are pertinent to share. I believe that it is important that our husbands face how their behavior has affected us. No, we don't need to beat them over the head with it, but getting their focus off of themselves is part of what must happen in order for them to heal. So not in anger, but in a quiet, communicative time, go ahead and share. I would be more worried if your feelings had no impact on him. They should make him remorseful, and remind him what he never wants to do to you and your family again. You should not feel guilty for doing that in a spirit of love.
And venting to us here is always an option.
TruthSeeker
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